agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: My daughter married a man last spring. One week after their honeymoon, he was diagnosed with Stage 4 metastasized colon cancer. After eight months of doctors, hospitals and chemo, he passed away.

They never had an opportunity to write thank-you notes for their wedding gifts. My daughter feels it is not appropriate now. I feel she should do it, saying something like, Before my husband passed away, we enjoyed this gift very much. She said to ask you. What is your opinion? -- WONDERING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WONDERING: It is always appropriate to thank people for their kindness. Since you asked my opinion, I agree that your daughter should write short notes to the people who gave her wedding gifts and tell them she would have written sooner, but she is still grieving the loss of her husband. Then she should thank them for their generosity. The rules of etiquette do not require her to say more than that. When you discuss with her what I have written -- as I am sure you will -- please convey to her my deepest sympathy.

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I cannot believe this person is bothering their kid about this. If you're so hung up on those thank you notes - and in this specific situation I think everybody else understands! - write them yourself!

Omg, the poor woman has enough to deal with.

You so rarely get an out from wedding thank you notes, but this is the out.

Agreed. The kind thing to do would be for the LW to write the notes on their daughter's behalf. She's clearly the one with the emotional energy to spend on the situation.

These sort of notes are not common here so I don't know how much it is culturally expected as such. I am pretty damn sure though that every gift giver understands that this poor woman has other things to deal with than write over and over again that her husband died so soon after they planned to spend the rest of their lives together. This mother is horrendous for pushing this.

OH MY SWEET JESUS someone actually wrote a thank you note letter about a woman who was widowed less than a year after her wedding.

Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, who is disgruntled over not receiving a thank you note in this circumstance is a petty ass.

I think it would be kind of the mother to take over the task of writing thank you notes because they could double as death notices; it's entirely possible that many of the gift-givers may not know the husband has died, and the sooner they get told, the less likely she is to get awkward, "So, how are you and husband enjoying the new china?" queries from people who had their gifts shipped and want to make sure they actually arrived.

(now that I calmed down from my first reaction) I agree with you. If LW feels these need to be done she should write them on her daughter's behalf.

I actually support the simple letter writing Abby suggests, not because the thank you's should be done, because conuly is right that they could be excused here, but they are a way of contacting the community who came to support the couple together and it puts the ball in their court to reach back because what she needs most is community support and we're not a good culture at supporting the grieving and its easy to get isolated. Abby's phrasing opens up the daughter's grief as an approachable subject like a distress flag. I would suggest the LW help the daughter do them if it is something they could peacefully do together--because shared tasks that address the daughter's grief and that the marriage still happened would probably be helpful for her processing of it all.

Edited 2019-08-04 17:52 (UTC)

The detachment in "my daughter married a man last spring and he died eight months later" is so chilly. This person should step up and write all the notes. All of them.

It is always appropriate to thank people for their kindness.

What I am questioning is whether the daughter has the emotional energy to do something that might very well be poison in a wound, remembering a time of hope when she's now lost that hope. And 'it is not appropriate now' is less about what is appropriate socially and more about what is appropriate for her.

In which case, mum, you're not listening to your daughter. LISTEN BETTER.