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Marguerite Kelly: When a Grown Daughter is Mean to Her Mother
Q. I have post-traumatic stress disorder because I was physically and emotionally battered by my father, an alcoholic, and my mother, a drug addict. But the abuse I get now is much worse.
My beautiful, sweet little girl once loved me, but she’s 33 now and has hurt me more than anyone ever has. This saddens me beyond words and makes me wake up in a panic.
I got pregnant in college, and though her father married someone else, we had a series of affairs whenever they separated. These repeated appearances and disappearances were hard on my daughter, however, and she was very angry when we finally got married.
My daughter and I lived on welfare for the first six years, however, until I got a job as a zookeeper. Here, they treated my daughter like their mascot and then hired her at 13, which helped her get a full scholarship at a prestigious private high school. Though consumed by her studies, she received many awards, won many friends, captured the hearts of many boys and was respected by both teachers and classmates.
In those days, she never asked for anything. She comforted me when my depression got worse and we remained close even as she morphed into a grumpy, harried, impatient, selfish teenager at an all-women’s college. It was there that she had a lesbian relationship with a woman who had been abused by her parents, which led my daughter to accuse her father and me of abuse and neglect; to treat me with sarcasm and cruelty and to tell me that she was disgusted by my illnesses and how I dealt with them, even though I seldom talk to her about my problems. She even said that she wanted a mother who was a mature, professional woman she could respect, not someone who was weak and depressed.
(Hadley Hooper/for The Washington Post)
Later she broke up with this woman, married a man she met in India, moved with him to his native Australia and now has a toddler. She tells me that her son is very close to his other grandparents, but will not tell me if my packages have arrived safely or even thank me for the items I’ve sent.
My daughter is expecting again and said that I could name the baby. But she doesn’t like the name I chose and won’t use it. When we told her how disappointed I was, she said I was acting like a drama queen and that our selfish, childish behavior had ruined this happy occasion.
I don’t want to communicate with my daughter anymore, but what if she cuts us off from our grandchildren? What then?
A. You’ll always be cut off from your grandchildren to some extent unless you and your daughter learn to let each other go.
This should have happened when she was a teenager, the time when children either leave their emotional nests or rebel, get depressed or angrily blame others for their own behavior. Unfortunately, the safest person for your daughter to blame was the person she had loved so long and so well, which must make her words hurt all the more.
Don’t dwell on them, though, and don’t talk to your daughter as she talks to you, for words, once said, cannot be unsaid. Instead, set boundaries for yourself and be more aloof. This will make her reach out to you, if only to see what’s going on.
If she’s rude or accuses you of some mistake however, simply say, “You must be tired; I’ll call some other day” and don’t phone her again for a couple of weeks. When your daughter gets the same treatment, over and over, she’ll realize that her tantrums don’t work anymore.
Send fewer packages, too, and ask the post office to tell you when they have arrived, instead of asking your daughter if they got there. Don’t compete for your grandson’s affection, either. It’s not for sale. Just Skype him once a month; mail funny postcards to him and send him the same treats his mother loved at his age.
Finally, there’s therapy. Your daughter clearly needs it, although you shouldn’t tell her so, and you need it, too, for you’ve endured more than you can handle alone. Look for a psychologist who’s trained in cognitive behavioral therapy and in energy therapy, too, because it can sometimes help with post-traumatic stress syndrome.
Life is a journey which must be walked, even when the hills are steep and the valleys are filled with despair. There is no standing still.
wow
"we had a series of affairs whenever they separated."
"These repeated appearances and disappearances were hard on my daughter, however, and she was very angry when we finally got married."
"they treated my daughter like their mascot"
"In those days, she never asked for anything."
"She comforted me when my depression got worse"
"It was there that she had a lesbian relationship"
"which led my daughter to accuse her father and me of abuse and neglect"
"or even thank me for the items I’ve sent"
"When we told her how disappointed I was"
So, let's review:
Tumultuous childhood: check.
Behavior by parents that made them happy at the expense of their child's stability: check.
Over-achieving child who was undemanding: check.
Child placed in parental role (helping mother with depression): check.
Blaming discord on a "bad influence": check.
Making sure daughter knows she has hurt mother: check.
I mean, it's entirely possible that daughter has turned into a snarly, unreasonable person where her mother is concerned. But just from the mother's own words, I kind of doubt this came out of nowhere, and her apparent obliviousness makes it worse.
Re: wow
And the advice giver seems to completely miss it.
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I'm debating whether the advice-giver completely missed it or correctly sussed out that the writer wasn't going to hear anything negative about herself. At least the suggestions (stop being so pushy about contact and gifts, talk less often and be more willing to end conversations when they get painful, get thee into therapy) might help the daughter too?
Re: wow
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Red flag, red flag, red flag - either this woman still considers her daughter a "sweet little girl", or it all went bad once her "little girl" was old enough to assert herself.
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WTF on the zookeeper thing? I though you had to have qualifications for that? What kind of "zoo" lets a little kid of an employee be a "mascot" and then puts her to work at 13? What?
Seems the best outcome is for her never to contact her daughter again.
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Unfortunately, it won't work that way.
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Meanwhile like... kids are allowed to be upset that their parents weren't there for them! If you have a legacy of abuse, it can help to talk about how it didn't begin with the parent currently under scrutiny, but that parent has to acknowledge their part in continuing it!
*madly googles* Marguerite Kelly, columnist and author, has given thoughtful, practical parenting advice for 40 years, but as a parent, not an expert. OH WELL, THAT EXPLAINS SOME STUFF.
It's funny. I'm 32; my mom and I live together, and are in family therapy right now. We talk about frequent points of friction; she explains how a negative pattern got ingrained in her during her dysfunctional childhood; I explain how I've held back from expressing how much this hurt me all my life; we find a better way forward. And the thing that really gets me is how healthy she, I, and our relationship has to be for this to happen. She loves me a lot and she's really willing to hear hard truths. Right now, in her sixties, she's changing how she treats me every day. I've started asking her if a topic makes her feel stupid, which is the emotion that leads to a lot of her bad parenting behaviours. She's started asking me if I believe something negative about her, or if I'm just afraid it's true, so she can be less offended and not derail my requests for reassurance with "How could you even THINK that about me?!"
Which is why we live together. Ten years ago I got so sick of her I threw all my stuff in my car and drove 1000km away just to get her out of my hair. But what's changed is that every time I tell her that something she does hurts me, she listens and changes.
eating disorders tw
For years psychiatrists have said that people — especially teenage girls — succumb to eating disorders because they are trying to control some small part of their lives, but they no longer think that parents can cause their children’s anorexia or bulimia. This should make you feel better if you ever thought that you were to blame for your daughter’s eating disorder.
Well that's just fucking misleading. Of course it's more complicated; there is not a 1:1 correspondence between dysfunctional families and eating disorders or vice versa. You can't say there's a "cause" of a mental illness any more than you can say there's a "cause" for a child going into a specific career. It's always going to be a complex interplay of a hundred different elements.
However, you cannot "fix" an eating disorder the way you send a kid into hospital for a surgery; efficacy of treatment is vastly improved when family are included in the treatment and educated about healthy attitudes and positive communication strategies. The blame-the-family position is being talked down as much as it is largely to reduce the defensiveness parents feel; by blaming them less, we're more able to engage them in therapy.
Where we get them to stop exacerbating their kids' problems.no subject
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