Carolyn Hax: Relevant to Our Times

[cereta]

Q: Boyfriend unwelcome in my parents' home

Dear Carolyn, My boyfriend blew it when he met my parents earlier this year. My dad is disabled and has not worked for a few years, and my boyfriend made a comment basically implying that only lazy people collect disability checks (which I do not agree with but see as a valid expression of my boyfriend's values, just one he should not have expressed out loud to someone who does collect disability). My dad did not make a big deal at the time, but he told me (privately, later) that my boyfriend is not welcome in his home for now. He has declined a couple of opportunities since then for us all to get together, and his message is clear: He isn't going to stand in the way of my relationship, but he isn't going to willingly spend time around my boyfriend, either. It is sad but manageable most of the year. However, I am wondering how to approach the upcoming holidays. I am invited to my boyfriend's family's house, but I would be sad not to see my own family at all. I believe that this problem would be fixed if my boyfriend would apologize straight-on for his comment, but he will not--the most he will say is that it was a poor choice of words, but he stands behind the values themselves.

A: Carolyn Hax

Your boyfriend's values and attitude suck. Isn't that the real problem here? That, and your staying with him despite having full awareness of--and objecting to--who he is? That you "blew it" in choosing a mate?

And since when is it healthy to dislike someone's beliefs but be okay with that as long as he hides those beliefs from certain people you would prefer didn't know him for who he really is and what he really believes?

You've got some stuff to own here. A lot. The boyfriend-said-mean-things-out-loud-to-my-dad issue is just a symptom.

Please choose people whose values you respect enough to want them spoken aloud. Then watch this whole problem unmagically go away.

Comments

[cereta]

Oh, yeah. I've watched a number of people go through the process, and there's no question that they (a) make it harder than it needs to be on purpose, and (b) routinely deny people who qualify just to save money.

And I'm going to save that stat for the next time one of my students starts on the "people on disability who are gaming the system."