Ask Amy: When a man asks a woman where she lives

[cereta]

Dear Amy: About a year ago, my husband, baby and I moved to a new neighborhood.

The neighborhood is "turning over." It was once a somewhat dangerous area, but in the last 10 years or so it has improved significantly, partly because of an influx of young professionals.

When we moved here, we made friends with our neighbors, including folks who were new to the area, and those who had been there more than 40 years.

Recently, I walked around the corner to a restaurant. My husband and baby were not with me. As I was waiting, a man -- older and larger than I -- left his party (two women) and approached me to make small talk. He asked if I lived in the neighborhood. I told him I did.

The man then asked what street I lived on, and asked me to describe my house. I told him that I wasn't comfortable sharing that information. He then read me the riot act, explaining that, "This isn't that kind of neighborhood" and, "It's not like I'm going to rob you."

Frankly, I wasn't worried about being robbed (or worse) before that comment, but I was worried afterward.


I didn't want to engage, so I simply said, "Yeah, OK."

Amy, I'm sure this man is perfectly pleasant to those who know him. But I'm a young woman, and no one should (1) ask a stranger where she lives, and then (2) respond so aggressively when she politely declines to answer.

Is there a better way to handle this in the future? I don't think I was being a baby, but I wish more men understood that questions like this are inherently intimidating to women.

-- Wondering Woman

Dear Wondering: Your instinct is not to disclose your address to a stranger, for common-sense security reasons. But I'd like to suggest an alternate storyline: He engages you in small talk, and asks which house is yours. You deflect: "It sounds like you know the neighborhood pretty well. Do you live here, too?"

Or you answer truthfully: "It's the yellow one with the white trim," and he says, "Oh, the Robinsons used to live there. They raised five kids in that house." You say, "Oh, we love that wonderful kitchen. How long have you lived in the neighborhood?"

And you've both formed a connection.

You bear no blame for reacting the way you did (my scenario might be wrong). He should not have reacted so defensively -- and offensively. But you assumed the worst and swatted away his bid for connection -- and he responded badly.

In the future, you can respond to entrees by deflecting with politeness.

When a stranger asks you any question you don't necessarily want to answer, you can say, "Hi, I'm 'Sandy.' I didn't get your name...?" This is a way of rewiring the encounter. The person's response to this polite deflection will reveal what you might want to do next.

Comments

[ambyr]

Fair enough. It's a question that would be pretty common in my neighborhood (though the exchange would generally go more like, "Oh, I live at XX Y St with the cherry tree out front, which house is yours?" with the questioner volunteering the information first; asking without offering would come across a little strangely), but social norms differ from city to city and from block to block. I mean, I literally had this exact exchange with a (male) stranger yesterday and didn't think twice of it, so I guess I am a little surprised at how strongly others are reacting.

[minoanmiss]

I think what makes this alarming for several people here -- at least, what alarms me -- is 1) the demand without an offer first (as you point out, a question like "I live in X house, which one is yours?" is very different than "describe your house to me") and 2) the subsequent lecture when she refused to answer. As a woman I've had more than one strange man demand things of me (smiles, numbers, interaction) and get mad at me for not giving it to him, and I know other women have had this experience too.

One of the reasons I brought up that I'm Black is to better describe my perspective; as I mentioned elsecomment, at best this is a clash of disprivileges if the man is not White and the woman is, or if the man is Black and the woman is not Black. We do have a problem in US society (among others) of Black men being expected to be criminals and up to no good (not just Black men but Black people in general, but I digress) but we also have a problem with men demanding interaction and attention from women they don't even know, and often acting to punish women who withhold that demanded attention, which is at least disruptive for the woman and can be terrifying. I've personally experienced this behavior from a spectrum of men (and, nb, I am in no way a striking or notable person, so between my experiences and the reports from other women I can only conclude that many men act this way quite often) and I think that the disprivileges of being a man of color in the US do not excuse treating any woman that way.

... god that's wordy. It's hard to explain concepts like this concisely, because so many factors combine into the particular moment. But, even with LW's comment about gentrification, which is the kind of statement often rooted in racism and classism, I still find the experience she describes resonant enough with experiences I've had and heard about that I conclude the man was wrong to demand this information from her and much more wrong to act angrily towards her. So that's why I'm reacting this strongly.

(And this all assumes that race is a factor, which it might not even be.)

(sorry for the edit on an already long comment. Like I said, this is hard to accurately put into words)

[jadelennox]

I had written a much longer and less clear version of this same comment (except without the being black part, obvs!), and my browser lost it, but you say it better anyhow. The core of my comment was a Miss Manners letter on people claiming street harassment (sorry, I mean, "loudly complimenting strangers on the sidewalk") is part of their culture. To which Miss Manners responds, every time someone tries that, something to the effect of "I dare you to tell your mother that. I double-dog dare you."