Ask Amy: When a man asks a woman where she lives

[cereta]

Dear Amy: About a year ago, my husband, baby and I moved to a new neighborhood.

The neighborhood is "turning over." It was once a somewhat dangerous area, but in the last 10 years or so it has improved significantly, partly because of an influx of young professionals.

When we moved here, we made friends with our neighbors, including folks who were new to the area, and those who had been there more than 40 years.

Recently, I walked around the corner to a restaurant. My husband and baby were not with me. As I was waiting, a man -- older and larger than I -- left his party (two women) and approached me to make small talk. He asked if I lived in the neighborhood. I told him I did.

The man then asked what street I lived on, and asked me to describe my house. I told him that I wasn't comfortable sharing that information. He then read me the riot act, explaining that, "This isn't that kind of neighborhood" and, "It's not like I'm going to rob you."

Frankly, I wasn't worried about being robbed (or worse) before that comment, but I was worried afterward.


I didn't want to engage, so I simply said, "Yeah, OK."

Amy, I'm sure this man is perfectly pleasant to those who know him. But I'm a young woman, and no one should (1) ask a stranger where she lives, and then (2) respond so aggressively when she politely declines to answer.

Is there a better way to handle this in the future? I don't think I was being a baby, but I wish more men understood that questions like this are inherently intimidating to women.

-- Wondering Woman

Dear Wondering: Your instinct is not to disclose your address to a stranger, for common-sense security reasons. But I'd like to suggest an alternate storyline: He engages you in small talk, and asks which house is yours. You deflect: "It sounds like you know the neighborhood pretty well. Do you live here, too?"

Or you answer truthfully: "It's the yellow one with the white trim," and he says, "Oh, the Robinsons used to live there. They raised five kids in that house." You say, "Oh, we love that wonderful kitchen. How long have you lived in the neighborhood?"

And you've both formed a connection.

You bear no blame for reacting the way you did (my scenario might be wrong). He should not have reacted so defensively -- and offensively. But you assumed the worst and swatted away his bid for connection -- and he responded badly.

In the future, you can respond to entrees by deflecting with politeness.

When a stranger asks you any question you don't necessarily want to answer, you can say, "Hi, I'm 'Sandy.' I didn't get your name...?" This is a way of rewiring the encounter. The person's response to this polite deflection will reveal what you might want to do next.

Comments

[cereta]

It's been a while since an advice column made me quite this angry.

Amy, are you high? Do you even LIVE in this world? What the LW describes is a classic narrative experienced by way too many women.
Man not known to woman: Smile! You'd look so much prettier!/Where do you work?/Can I buy you a cup of coffee?
Woman: Politely demurs.
Mnktw: Flips the frak out.

Do you have any idea how often that scenario plays out on public transportation ALONE? The year I lived down the bus line from a men's halfway house was, on a daily basis, the scariest of my life. I took to mentioning my "girlfriend" often and early in any interaction (failing to mention that it had really been a one-night stand) because it was the safest way to say I wasn't interested (given that it did not involve the man's ego in any way).

Women are told over and over again that we have to respond to men just right: Be polite! But not too friendly! Give that poor guy a chance! Why did you get into a cab with him if you weren't going to sleep with him? Avoid all of these behaviors if you don't want to be raped! How dare you assume that all men are rapists?

I'm sick of it. How can it have been 38 years since I was my daughter's age, and we still haven't gotten past this toxic BS?

Here's a radical thought: why don't we start telling men how to behave? Why don't we remind them that the woman you just approached, who is 10 inches shorter than you, might feel intimidated when you stand too close and loom over her? Why don't we start teaching them not to fly off the handle because a woman at a bus stop declined to smile? Hey, let's take it further: why don't we tell them not to get so stinking drunk that they don't remember what happened? That they might not realize the girl they're with is either not consenting or is too drunk to consent? Any time sexual assault and harassment becomes a topic, someone will come along telling the woman in question to take some responsibility for herself! Why don't we start telling men that?

[ambyr]

I have very mixed feelings on this, as someone who lives in a similar neighborhood. There's a lot of racial dynamics that come into play with white "young professionals" moving into urban neighborhoods occupied by black people for generations and then not conforming to established social norms of what it means to be neighborly. I don't know that that's what's happening here, but it seems probable, if she's in the US.

Intersectionality is complicated.

[misbegotten]

And you've both formed a connection.

What if you don't want to form a fucking connection? Sheesh. The key here is in the first line of the answer: common-sense security reasons.

[rosefox]

I do wonder about the racial dynamics—I think they're relevant—but "describe your house" is so far beyond the pale as a question from one stranger to another that I'm kind of speechless.

[kiezh]

"I'm not comfortable sharing that information" is a polite deflection, which a person actually interested in being friendly would gracefully accept. Ranting at someone with specific mentions of what assaults you're "not" going to commit is extremely aggressive and threatening behavior.

She is not the problem in this interaction, and no amount of politeness would save her, because he was never acting politely. He meant to demand her time and attention and personal data, and he meant to threaten and terrify her if she refused. Amy's response is a mess of victim-blaming nonsense.