Ask Amy: When a man asks a woman where she lives

[cereta]

Dear Amy: About a year ago, my husband, baby and I moved to a new neighborhood.

The neighborhood is "turning over." It was once a somewhat dangerous area, but in the last 10 years or so it has improved significantly, partly because of an influx of young professionals.

When we moved here, we made friends with our neighbors, including folks who were new to the area, and those who had been there more than 40 years.

Recently, I walked around the corner to a restaurant. My husband and baby were not with me. As I was waiting, a man -- older and larger than I -- left his party (two women) and approached me to make small talk. He asked if I lived in the neighborhood. I told him I did.

The man then asked what street I lived on, and asked me to describe my house. I told him that I wasn't comfortable sharing that information. He then read me the riot act, explaining that, "This isn't that kind of neighborhood" and, "It's not like I'm going to rob you."

Frankly, I wasn't worried about being robbed (or worse) before that comment, but I was worried afterward.


I didn't want to engage, so I simply said, "Yeah, OK."

Amy, I'm sure this man is perfectly pleasant to those who know him. But I'm a young woman, and no one should (1) ask a stranger where she lives, and then (2) respond so aggressively when she politely declines to answer.

Is there a better way to handle this in the future? I don't think I was being a baby, but I wish more men understood that questions like this are inherently intimidating to women.

-- Wondering Woman

Dear Wondering: Your instinct is not to disclose your address to a stranger, for common-sense security reasons. But I'd like to suggest an alternate storyline: He engages you in small talk, and asks which house is yours. You deflect: "It sounds like you know the neighborhood pretty well. Do you live here, too?"

Or you answer truthfully: "It's the yellow one with the white trim," and he says, "Oh, the Robinsons used to live there. They raised five kids in that house." You say, "Oh, we love that wonderful kitchen. How long have you lived in the neighborhood?"

And you've both formed a connection.

You bear no blame for reacting the way you did (my scenario might be wrong). He should not have reacted so defensively -- and offensively. But you assumed the worst and swatted away his bid for connection -- and he responded badly.

In the future, you can respond to entrees by deflecting with politeness.

When a stranger asks you any question you don't necessarily want to answer, you can say, "Hi, I'm 'Sandy.' I didn't get your name...?" This is a way of rewiring the encounter. The person's response to this polite deflection will reveal what you might want to do next.

Comments

[cereta]

It's been a while since an advice column made me quite this angry.

Amy, are you high? Do you even LIVE in this world? What the LW describes is a classic narrative experienced by way too many women.
Man not known to woman: Smile! You'd look so much prettier!/Where do you work?/Can I buy you a cup of coffee?
Woman: Politely demurs.
Mnktw: Flips the frak out.

Do you have any idea how often that scenario plays out on public transportation ALONE? The year I lived down the bus line from a men's halfway house was, on a daily basis, the scariest of my life. I took to mentioning my "girlfriend" often and early in any interaction (failing to mention that it had really been a one-night stand) because it was the safest way to say I wasn't interested (given that it did not involve the man's ego in any way).

Women are told over and over again that we have to respond to men just right: Be polite! But not too friendly! Give that poor guy a chance! Why did you get into a cab with him if you weren't going to sleep with him? Avoid all of these behaviors if you don't want to be raped! How dare you assume that all men are rapists?

I'm sick of it. How can it have been 38 years since I was my daughter's age, and we still haven't gotten past this toxic BS?

Here's a radical thought: why don't we start telling men how to behave? Why don't we remind them that the woman you just approached, who is 10 inches shorter than you, might feel intimidated when you stand too close and loom over her? Why don't we start teaching them not to fly off the handle because a woman at a bus stop declined to smile? Hey, let's take it further: why don't we tell them not to get so stinking drunk that they don't remember what happened? That they might not realize the girl they're with is either not consenting or is too drunk to consent? Any time sexual assault and harassment becomes a topic, someone will come along telling the woman in question to take some responsibility for herself! Why don't we start telling men that?

[moem]

I like the way you think!

[minoanmiss]

Word.

Sometimes I worry that in my natural friendliness I encourage the horribly burdensome stereotype that all women re supposed to be friendly at all times. We aren't required to.

[sathari]

Here's a radical thought: why don't we start telling men how to behave?

YES. Ahem. "Personal responsibility" begins with their own pantsfeelings. (And that is me being succinctly snarky when I could be downright grandiloquent on the topic.)

[amaebi]

Yes and yes and yes. For instance, Take "I'm not comfortable sharing that information" as a legitimate answer. Because it is.

[ambyr]

I have very mixed feelings on this, as someone who lives in a similar neighborhood. There's a lot of racial dynamics that come into play with white "young professionals" moving into urban neighborhoods occupied by black people for generations and then not conforming to established social norms of what it means to be neighborly. I don't know that that's what's happening here, but it seems probable, if she's in the US.

Intersectionality is complicated.

[cereta]

I can understand that. I live in a neighborhood that's undergone a sort of opposite of gentrification, more based on social class than race, and I'm keenly, keenly aware of all the undercurrants involved in just waving (or not waving) to my new neighbors as I pull out of my garage. That said, I still wouldn't tell a man I didn't know who lived two streets down exactly where my house is. It's entirely possible, even likely, that there were both race and class issues involved in the LW's situation - the gentrification bit did make me wince a little. I've also both experienced and heard from enough other women of the same thing happening just at a random bus stop to accept Amy's advice on the situation.

[minoanmiss]

As a Black woman, with the caveat that I am just one person, I've never known anyone who would think "describe your house" is a reasonable question to ask a stranger (as opposed to people who would claim so as a way to shove through someone's boundaries). I'm coming down on the "no, he was wrong to ask that," side of this.

eta I say this as someone who likes saying hi to my neighbors, no less, but saying hi is one thing and intrusive questions another, even considering neighborliness. (Am trying to be succinct due to time.)

[ambyr]

Fair enough. It's a question that would be pretty common in my neighborhood (though the exchange would generally go more like, "Oh, I live at XX Y St with the cherry tree out front, which house is yours?" with the questioner volunteering the information first; asking without offering would come across a little strangely), but social norms differ from city to city and from block to block. I mean, I literally had this exact exchange with a (male) stranger yesterday and didn't think twice of it, so I guess I am a little surprised at how strongly others are reacting.

[minoanmiss]

I think what makes this alarming for several people here -- at least, what alarms me -- is 1) the demand without an offer first (as you point out, a question like "I live in X house, which one is yours?" is very different than "describe your house to me") and 2) the subsequent lecture when she refused to answer. As a woman I've had more than one strange man demand things of me (smiles, numbers, interaction) and get mad at me for not giving it to him, and I know other women have had this experience too.

One of the reasons I brought up that I'm Black is to better describe my perspective; as I mentioned elsecomment, at best this is a clash of disprivileges if the man is not White and the woman is, or if the man is Black and the woman is not Black. We do have a problem in US society (among others) of Black men being expected to be criminals and up to no good (not just Black men but Black people in general, but I digress) but we also have a problem with men demanding interaction and attention from women they don't even know, and often acting to punish women who withhold that demanded attention, which is at least disruptive for the woman and can be terrifying. I've personally experienced this behavior from a spectrum of men (and, nb, I am in no way a striking or notable person, so between my experiences and the reports from other women I can only conclude that many men act this way quite often) and I think that the disprivileges of being a man of color in the US do not excuse treating any woman that way.

... god that's wordy. It's hard to explain concepts like this concisely, because so many factors combine into the particular moment. But, even with LW's comment about gentrification, which is the kind of statement often rooted in racism and classism, I still find the experience she describes resonant enough with experiences I've had and heard about that I conclude the man was wrong to demand this information from her and much more wrong to act angrily towards her. So that's why I'm reacting this strongly.

(And this all assumes that race is a factor, which it might not even be.)

(sorry for the edit on an already long comment. Like I said, this is hard to accurately put into words)

[jadelennox]

I had written a much longer and less clear version of this same comment (except without the being black part, obvs!), and my browser lost it, but you say it better anyhow. The core of my comment was a Miss Manners letter on people claiming street harassment (sorry, I mean, "loudly complimenting strangers on the sidewalk") is part of their culture. To which Miss Manners responds, every time someone tries that, something to the effect of "I dare you to tell your mother that. I double-dog dare you."

[amaebi]

Yes, that seemed very strange to me as well.

[misbegotten]

And you've both formed a connection.

What if you don't want to form a fucking connection? Sheesh. The key here is in the first line of the answer: common-sense security reasons.

[cereta]

Having spent many, many years using public transportation (I didn't get my first car until I was 21), the daily effort it took just to left alone on my ride into work was exhausting.

[rosefox]

I do wonder about the racial dynamics—I think they're relevant—but "describe your house" is so far beyond the pale as a question from one stranger to another that I'm kind of speechless.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah. From where I stand I think this is at best a collision of disprivileges, and that the "describe your house" question was where things crossed into beyond the pale regardless.

[jadelennox]

Yes, this exactly. The unspoken race words the LW pointedly doesn't use (while coding in things like how her male questioner is much larger than she is, which would statistically be something which doesn't need saying) are certainly uncomfortable. But unless she's misrepresenting the question (ie "Oh is it the rosebush house that Uncle Benzion used to live in, or the pink house that Englebart grew up in?") the question's not one anyone should answer.

And as others have said, women in cities are asked probing questions from strange men every day, and we have no neighborly requirement to answer them all.

That being said, it's possible the LW race and class markers, combined with the way she refused to answer, was actually what pissed off the questioner. Or possibly, hypothesizing a white woman and a black man, she saw his startled disappointment, confusion, or self-blame, and saw 'the riot act.' (That is, maybe he said "oh, I'm so sorry I made you nervous! Of course you needn't answer, but I want to reassure that this isn't that kind of neighborhood!" and she parsed it as "large angry black man reading me the riot act.") Since we know from research that white Americans see black rage where it doesn't exist, even the white Americans who think they're wicked #woke.

I'm not saying that happened, I'm just seeing that as a plausible reading.

[kiezh]

"I'm not comfortable sharing that information" is a polite deflection, which a person actually interested in being friendly would gracefully accept. Ranting at someone with specific mentions of what assaults you're "not" going to commit is extremely aggressive and threatening behavior.

She is not the problem in this interaction, and no amount of politeness would save her, because he was never acting politely. He meant to demand her time and attention and personal data, and he meant to threaten and terrify her if she refused. Amy's response is a mess of victim-blaming nonsense.