Dear Prudence: My Mother Takes My Migraines Personally

[cereta]

(Yes, I read Prudie in spurts.)


Q. Mom takes my chronic illness personally: I’m a 21-year-old who has been suffering from migraines for the last 10 years, and chronic migraines for the last five. Last spring they took a turn for the worse, and I spent months trying to find a way to deal with the latest evolution of nearly unbearable symptoms, on top of attending school full time, working, and being pretty involved on campus. I finally found an excellent neurologist, got some great interventions, and started to come to terms with the necessary lifestyle adjustments of dealing with chronic pain in college. My issue is my mother. Whenever I’m home and tell her that I’m having a bad migraine day or need to lie down for a while, she takes it personally and makes comments about how I always get migraines around her, specifically, and chastises me for having the symptoms and not doing more about it.

I’ve tried calmly explaining to her that I have a chronic illness and that I’m working on finding the best treatment plan with my neurologist, but that I’m still going to have bad days. She tells me regularly that “considering yourself chronically ill is just pessimistic” and undermines my doctor’s medical advice. I try to tell her about the helpful ways my roommates at school support me, but it falls on deaf ears. This is souring an otherwise good relationship I have with my mom. Is there anything I can do to get her to acknowledge the reality of my illness and make her take it less personally?

A: I think having a regular script you can stick to and then going about your ordinary business is the best strategy you can take with her. “Mom, I don’t time my migraines around you, and this isn’t a helpful conversation for me to have. I’m going to go lie down now.” If she tries to give you medical advice or calls you pessimistic, stick with, “Mom, I think it’s better if we don’t discuss my condition and you don’t try to offer me advice. I’ve found a doctor I trust and a plan that’s working well for me. Let’s drop this.” After that, if she tries to bring it up again, just say, “We’ve talked about this, and I’m not going to have this conversation with you. Let’s talk later.”

Comments

[cereta]

Wow. Just...WOW. I have known people to be really stupid about migraines and other chronic health conditions, but I can't imagine dealing with that kind of aggression. I'd suggest the LW stop visiting Mom for a while, but given their description of their life, I suspect they're a college student, who may have no choice but to go home on holidays. Given that, I don't know what there is for it but what Prudie suggests.

[minoanmiss]

WOW is right. It amazes me sometimes how cruel family members can be to each other.

I hope the LW's migraines improve.

[jadelennox]

My mother is okay about migraines now that I am an adult, but when I was a child, she thought I was faking. "Mum, I think this is a migraine, and I can't see, and the light is as bright as the sun, and I think someone's put an ice pick in my eye socket, and I am gonna vomit." Her: "Nonsense. If it were a migraine you'd need to go to the hospital. Now sit and eat your dinner."

Ah, the ignorance of a healthy person, combined with the patience of a working parent of three. Fun.

Sometimes there's not much you can do. If the LW's life is such that they can't avoid the parents, then they should say what they need to say in order to avoid conflict. Lies, if necessary. Whatever works. "Mom, I have a note from my doctor / I'm hungover / I'm writing my thesis / I'm working on my business plan." Just manage the situation until they go away.

Most people would say that my avoidance strategy is unhealthy, but in my experience as the chronically ill daughter of a healthy, massively illness-phobic parent, this is one way to handle it.

[xenacryst]

I think it may be worth noting that there is a lot of American cultural baggage around "headaches" as being something that is a semi-controlled reaction to ... a lot of things ("my work is giving me a headache" "you are a pain" "I'm sorry I can't tonight, I have a headache"). It's like a lot of people believe that headaches are the result of exposure to something, and that if you're not exposed you don't get a headache - and that if you have headaches around them, they must be the something causing it, which they take as an affront. This may have some truth for stress/tension headaches, but chronic illness and migraines are a different beast. If mom hasn't been exposed to the realities of chronic illness and migraines before, then she's probably regurgitating a lot of this baggage as a way of trying to come to terms with the fact that her kid isn't a model of what she thinks of as perfect health, and, to be honest, will require some compromises/lifestyle changes/etc. that impact mom. So, while Prudie's script is good, it might also be worthwhile to say something like, "I know this isn't what you wanted for my life, and it's not not my choice either, but this is what my body is, and we need to work from there. I know you're hurt/confused/disappointed, but be assured it's not something I'm doing to you personally - this isn't just a 'headache' that I can control but a part of a package of a whole illness that I'm working with some very good people on. I need to rest now, but when I'm not having a bad day, let's think about ways we can productively enjoy the life we've been handed together."