Dear Annie: Leave the Kids Behind?

[cereta]

Dear Annie: My wife passed away in 2003. We had two children, who were 5 and 7 at the time. They were pretty spoiled. They have children of their own now and never seem to have time to come and visit me but always seem to have time for their boyfriends' families. They always break dates with me and then post on Facebook about what a wonderful time they had with their "other" families. They never come around to just visit; it's always when they need money or something else. I have possibly been given a chance to accept a job halfway across the country. I have told them about it, but they don't seem to care. I feel guilty for even thinking about accepting it, but it would mean a better life for me. Should I accept the job if I'm offered it or take my name out of the hat? -- Confused and Depressed

Dear Confused and Depressed: First, I implore you to seek counseling, as depression is a serious illness and shouldn't go untreated.

As for the job, it sounds like an ideal opportunity to reclaim the starring role in your own life. Just think: Instead of sitting at home wondering why your daughters stood you up, you'll be out exploring the town, trying new activities, meeting new people, maybe even going on dates. As a matter of fact, you could be doing all those things right now. Even if you don't end up moving, you can and should seek fulfillment outside of your kids. You'll always love your children, but you have to start living for yourself.

Comments

[angelofthenorth]

Maybe some family therapy may be in order. Parents who are widowed often find it difficult to be emotionally available for their kids when they're struggling with their own emotions, substituting money for affection.

I think that individual therapy is a great idea, and possibly revisiting the grief, before embarking on dating and other sociable activities.

[wordweaverlynn]

Agreed. Also, given their ages in 2003, those kids are now 20 and 22 years old. They are very unlikely to be as attentive as this guy wants.

Moreover, everything he says about them is negative. It can be extremely difficult to cope with a parent (or anyone else) who offers nothing but disapproval. Whether or not this is because Dad is depressed, it's bound to be off-putting.

[cereta]

Moreover, everything he says about them is negative.

There it is. That's what's setting my teeth on edge.

[kaberett]

Yup!

[mommy]

The negativity is why I suspect LW's children might have a good reason for minimizing contact with their parent. And they're both parents, so they have their own families to think about.

[cereta]

There is a lot that is going unmentioned, here. There is an awful lot of passive voice and very little of him in the active voice. And his daughters are, what, 20 and 22, and they have "children of their own"? Both of them? Can you imagine how the columnist(s), and many commentors at other sites, would be excoriating a single mother who wrote a letter like this?

Honestly, the fact that the daughters post so often about the great times they are having with their new families makes me wonder what those families are providing that dad did not, and makes me suspect that it is love, attention, and interest. He sounds a bit like one of those parents (sadly, mostly fathers, but that's because men aren't socialized to relate to children the way women are) who have little interest in ballet recitals and Hamilton Camp performances (why, yes, my daughter played Eliza in one song, thank you ;), but then wake up one day are realize that his children are interesting human beings, and now want to spend time with them. *Hums "Cat's In the Cradle."

It's hard to tell from the syntax if he means that they were spoiled when the mother died, after, or their whole child. If it was before, I wonder if what he means by "pretty spoiled" is "used to having an attentive parent." If it was after or the whole time...dude, take some responsibility.

I dunno, maybe I'm being unfair, but there's something about this letter that sets my teeth on edge.

[angelofthenorth]

Or they were spoiled with monetary gifts by both sets of grandparents, and he was just trying to survive in the years after his wife died.

Depression can make everything seem negative, and it's possible that the editing of the letter didn't help that process. I dunno it doesn't set my teeth on edge, but I wouldn't want to send him back into the bearpit of dating without support and reflection.

[rymenhild]

Yes. In no way is the writer acknowledging that his choices in the intervening fifteen years might have contributed to the current estrangement.

[mommy]

I like this advice. Some breathing room and counseling would be incredibly useful for LW.