Ask Amy:Out-of-wedlock pregnancy leads to family secret

[cereta]

Dear Amy: I got pregnant 37 years ago. The father and I were in our 20s and engaged to be married, but he dumped me when I refused to have an abortion. He and I tried to reconcile a couple of times, but it was always contingent on me "getting rid of the kid." He didn't care how -- I could leave our son with relatives -- but there was just no place in his plans for children.

I agreed not to sue for child support as long as he stayed out of our lives. I did not want him dropping in from time to time -- I have seen the damage absentee fathers inflict on children, and I did not want our son subjected to his father's whims.

I sent a birth announcement to his mother, and she and I remained in touch for a couple of years. She expressed interest in meeting her grandson, but wanted to respect her son's decision, and never did ask to meet him.

Fast-forward to the present day. My son's father is deceased, the family was helping Grandma move and the birth announcement was discovered.

The paternal relatives who have contacted my son are very accepting of him, but they are understandably upset by the deception.

I have offered to answer any questions they may have, and I am helping my son to navigate these new relationships. I do not expect to have a relationship with any of these people, but I feel like there is something more I should do.

I'm worried about the choices I made. Should I have inserted us into the lives of his paternal family? What do you think?

-- Conflicted

Dear Conflicted: Given your choices up to this point, I think you are doing the right thing to basically turn this issue over to your son. He is an adult and he has the right to make choices concerning having relationships with his biological relatives.

You should continue to be transparent with all parties and compassionate regarding any questions your son has about your life before and after his birth.

I can't fully agree with your choice to withhold your son from his paternal family members, but given the father's wholesale rejection, I understand why you made this particular choice (and your son's grandmother could have sought him out, but didn't). This falls into the category of: You did what you knew to do. Now that you know better, you might do better.

Comments

[cereta]

I'm baffled as to what LW1 was supposed to do or not do when her offspring was a baby. The child's father rejected him in no uncertain terms, and grandma chose honoring her son's rejection over a relationship with her grandson. If the LW did anything wrong, it was letting that dink off the hook for child support, but I can see why she might make that decision if it meant keeping said dink out of her child's life.

She has nothing to feel guilty for, and nothing to do "better."

[the_rck]

Yes. This.

[lydiabell]

I can't figure out what the "deception" was. I can't figure out how she "withheld her son from his paternal family members." Can I not read, or is this really weird?

[cereta]

I can't tell if there's an expected narrative of the mother not telling anyone (usually including the father) that's so strong that Amy is trying to map it onto this situation even when it obviously doesn't fit, or if she can't read.

[minoanmiss]

That's weird. Amy's usually not misogynist like this, as far as I know.

[cereta]

I don't recall her being so. She's absolute death on people being even the slightest bit overweight, and has been nasty about it in the past, but I don't know if that's specific to women.

[neotoma]

...what deception, at least on the letter writer's part?

If dead(beat) father and the paternal Grandmother didn't tell them the son existed, then that's on them.

[rosefox]

The deception was on the birth father and grandmother's part, not the mother's! She did just fine.