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Dear Prudence: I brought my ex-boyfriend to help my widowed friend clear out her house
"Dear Prudence,
“Trevor,” the husband of my friend “Emily,” recently passed in a very dramatic manner. He was a hoarder of expensive electronics. He hadn’t updated his will or life insurance policy to reflect his wife as beneficiary. Emily is entitled to the possessions within their house, with the rest going to Trevor’s estate. Trevor left the house in disarray, so we had to sort through the mess for valuables. Being short on time (and hands), I called an ex-boyfriend with whom I’ve remained friendly to help. Emily told the ex he could take one of the large (valuable) television sets if he helped. On both days my ex showed up late, wasn’t much help, and asked for nearly everything he saw, which was mortifying. The first day he left with four valuable Bluetooth headsets, a Bose Bluetooth speaker, and Xbox controllers. The second day he left with $250 cash and camping supplies.
Throughout the whole ordeal, he pestered us about which television he was getting. Fed up, Emily told him he wasn’t getting one because he had already been compensated fairly. Having loaded the final truck alone, I agreed with Emily. When my ex and I were alone in the cab of the truck, he yelled at me until I broke down in tears. I still have not heard the end of it.
I understand he’s an ex for a reason, and shame on me for bringing him around (I was completely caught off guard by his greed). But he still thinks we owe him the amount of money he could make from selling a television. How should you compensate “friends” for helping move? And while we are at it, how can I be better at picking men?
—Still Stunned
Answer: First and foremost, give yourself credit for no longer dating this guy. Second, delete his number and block his calls from your phone. If you feel like you must say something before doing so, try: “I asked you to help a grieving widow sort through her husband’s possessions. In exchange you’ve received valuable electronics, camping supplies, and cash. I am horrified and astonished that you are still asking for more. Please do not contact me again.” This is not a question of appropriate compensation for helping a friend move because a) he did not, in fact, help very much at all and b) he’s already taken at least four times the value of what you agreed upon. Do not blame yourself for his aggressive yet low-stakes jerkassery—the behavior you’ve described is jaw-dropping, and it sounds like you had no idea he would be so boorish, so unhelpful, and so belligerently selfish."
Mods: would an "entitlement issues" tag be appropriate?
“Trevor,” the husband of my friend “Emily,” recently passed in a very dramatic manner. He was a hoarder of expensive electronics. He hadn’t updated his will or life insurance policy to reflect his wife as beneficiary. Emily is entitled to the possessions within their house, with the rest going to Trevor’s estate. Trevor left the house in disarray, so we had to sort through the mess for valuables. Being short on time (and hands), I called an ex-boyfriend with whom I’ve remained friendly to help. Emily told the ex he could take one of the large (valuable) television sets if he helped. On both days my ex showed up late, wasn’t much help, and asked for nearly everything he saw, which was mortifying. The first day he left with four valuable Bluetooth headsets, a Bose Bluetooth speaker, and Xbox controllers. The second day he left with $250 cash and camping supplies.
Throughout the whole ordeal, he pestered us about which television he was getting. Fed up, Emily told him he wasn’t getting one because he had already been compensated fairly. Having loaded the final truck alone, I agreed with Emily. When my ex and I were alone in the cab of the truck, he yelled at me until I broke down in tears. I still have not heard the end of it.
I understand he’s an ex for a reason, and shame on me for bringing him around (I was completely caught off guard by his greed). But he still thinks we owe him the amount of money he could make from selling a television. How should you compensate “friends” for helping move? And while we are at it, how can I be better at picking men?
—Still Stunned
Answer: First and foremost, give yourself credit for no longer dating this guy. Second, delete his number and block his calls from your phone. If you feel like you must say something before doing so, try: “I asked you to help a grieving widow sort through her husband’s possessions. In exchange you’ve received valuable electronics, camping supplies, and cash. I am horrified and astonished that you are still asking for more. Please do not contact me again.” This is not a question of appropriate compensation for helping a friend move because a) he did not, in fact, help very much at all and b) he’s already taken at least four times the value of what you agreed upon. Do not blame yourself for his aggressive yet low-stakes jerkassery—the behavior you’ve described is jaw-dropping, and it sounds like you had no idea he would be so boorish, so unhelpful, and so belligerently selfish."
Mods: would an "entitlement issues" tag be appropriate?
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