Dear Prudence: Divorcing a Stepchild

[cereta]

Divorcing a Stepchild: My husband and I are unfortunately in the middle of a divorce. He was a widower with a daughter when we married and we raised her together since she was 6. I have never been much affectionate of children, uninterested in having any of my own, and while I did make an effort to include my stepdaughter and spend time with her, I never felt that fuzzy warmth other parents feel as they relish in the company of their children. She is now 15, and probably in need of a mother figure/female role model. My husband assumed I would maintain this role and suggested she stay with me on weekends. The problem is, I don't want to. As long as I was a stepmother to this child I would fulfill whatever parental duties I had. Now that I am divorcing her father, I don't feel particularly compelled to continue. How can I communicate this to the two of them gently with minimal hurt feelings? I don't want to be callous, but I don't feel it's right for me to remain a "mother" out of obligation when my heart is not in it.

A: I'm wondering if during those years you raised your stepdaughter you ever got around to reading her any fairy tales. I'm hoping the portrayals of the stepmothers called you up short. Sure, just because you spent this girl's childhood going through the motions doesn't make you an evil stepmother. And I'll give you credit for being an honest one now in saying you want out. But for all child-haters contemplating marrying someone with children—please don't. Being barely interested in the child in your life simply isn't enough. If you are marrying someone with children, especially a widow or widower, you aren't just becoming a spouse but a parent, a role you should embrace and think of as one for life. My heart breaks for this girl who lost one mother then had a cold one as a replacement. However, it seems rather manipulative on the father's part to try to free up his weekends by passing his daughter on to you. But now that this girl is becoming a young adult, surely you can soften your heart enough to want to remain part of her life, even if that just means occasional sleepovers or lunches. As for how you tell her you're glad to get rid of her—well, maybe before your family totally dissolves all of you could get some short-term counseling to help clarify your future roles and let your soon-to-be ex-stepdaughter find a way to say what she's feeling.

Comments

[abbylee]

I think it's good for Prudie to mention that there's a middle ground; they can just go out occasionally. But, yeah, if after living with her for ten years, the most she can say about their relationship is that she made "an effort to include" her and fulfilled "whatever parental duties" she had? Then it's got to be better for everyone for them to just end the relationship. Ideally by the adult leaving the city so that the child has more room to grow.

Hopefully, the daughter is better adjusted than the adult. One of my old co-workers had been in a relationship since her son was around 3, and the relationship broke up when he was about 14. They kept in touch for about a year, and that was it. The two guys liked each other well enough, but just never connected enough to keep that relationship going, which even though it was an adult/child relationship within a household, it was never one of father/son. Given all the things that came up in other discussions, I really don't think it was an issue. (I feel like there's more hard feelings in my own family over my mom's brother in-law who decided he was no longer part of our family once my aunt passed away, even though we lived in different cities. And a large part of that was because we did have a close relationship before that.)

I'm trying not to touch the whole bit about how if it's a father trying to share custody, then having the "secondary" parent get the weekends is him trying for party time. Prudie - maybe that's what he was trying to do, but a lot of people think that's the status quo: moms on the weekdays to get the kids to school and be responsible, and dads on the weekends so that they can have fun together.