Dear Prudence: Divorcing a Stepchild

[cereta]

Divorcing a Stepchild: My husband and I are unfortunately in the middle of a divorce. He was a widower with a daughter when we married and we raised her together since she was 6. I have never been much affectionate of children, uninterested in having any of my own, and while I did make an effort to include my stepdaughter and spend time with her, I never felt that fuzzy warmth other parents feel as they relish in the company of their children. She is now 15, and probably in need of a mother figure/female role model. My husband assumed I would maintain this role and suggested she stay with me on weekends. The problem is, I don't want to. As long as I was a stepmother to this child I would fulfill whatever parental duties I had. Now that I am divorcing her father, I don't feel particularly compelled to continue. How can I communicate this to the two of them gently with minimal hurt feelings? I don't want to be callous, but I don't feel it's right for me to remain a "mother" out of obligation when my heart is not in it.

A: I'm wondering if during those years you raised your stepdaughter you ever got around to reading her any fairy tales. I'm hoping the portrayals of the stepmothers called you up short. Sure, just because you spent this girl's childhood going through the motions doesn't make you an evil stepmother. And I'll give you credit for being an honest one now in saying you want out. But for all child-haters contemplating marrying someone with children—please don't. Being barely interested in the child in your life simply isn't enough. If you are marrying someone with children, especially a widow or widower, you aren't just becoming a spouse but a parent, a role you should embrace and think of as one for life. My heart breaks for this girl who lost one mother then had a cold one as a replacement. However, it seems rather manipulative on the father's part to try to free up his weekends by passing his daughter on to you. But now that this girl is becoming a young adult, surely you can soften your heart enough to want to remain part of her life, even if that just means occasional sleepovers or lunches. As for how you tell her you're glad to get rid of her—well, maybe before your family totally dissolves all of you could get some short-term counseling to help clarify your future roles and let your soon-to-be ex-stepdaughter find a way to say what she's feeling.

Comments

[eleanorjane]

Ugh, what a mess. :(

[cereta]

I agree with the first part of Prudie's response. I wish I had a time machine and could tell this woman that she had no business marrying someone with a child, much less with full-time custody of a child, if the most she could summon was "making an effort to include her." I have absolutely no problem with people not liking kids or even liking to be around kids, but the child in thi situation had no choices about who she lived with or spent time with. The adults had those choices. And children deserve caregivers who at the least have warmth and affection for them.

That said, I disagree with the second half. The girl has to know step-mom doesn't enjoy spending time with her, even if Dad doesn't appear to (the kids are often much more perceptive in these matters). I doubt having a mother figure who doesn't want to be one is going to help much in her teen years. The counseling would be good as long as someone ensures that the girl is made comfortable saying what she really wants.

[abbylee]

I think it's good for Prudie to mention that there's a middle ground; they can just go out occasionally. But, yeah, if after living with her for ten years, the most she can say about their relationship is that she made "an effort to include" her and fulfilled "whatever parental duties" she had? Then it's got to be better for everyone for them to just end the relationship. Ideally by the adult leaving the city so that the child has more room to grow.

Hopefully, the daughter is better adjusted than the adult. One of my old co-workers had been in a relationship since her son was around 3, and the relationship broke up when he was about 14. They kept in touch for about a year, and that was it. The two guys liked each other well enough, but just never connected enough to keep that relationship going, which even though it was an adult/child relationship within a household, it was never one of father/son. Given all the things that came up in other discussions, I really don't think it was an issue. (I feel like there's more hard feelings in my own family over my mom's brother in-law who decided he was no longer part of our family once my aunt passed away, even though we lived in different cities. And a large part of that was because we did have a close relationship before that.)

I'm trying not to touch the whole bit about how if it's a father trying to share custody, then having the "secondary" parent get the weekends is him trying for party time. Prudie - maybe that's what he was trying to do, but a lot of people think that's the status quo: moms on the weekdays to get the kids to school and be responsible, and dads on the weekends so that they can have fun together.

[wordweaverlynn]

Maybe you don't like "children" in the abstract. But this isn't "children" -- it's your daughter.

Stepmom should never have married this guy, and he should have walked away when (IF!) he realized she wasn't a good mother.

I hope they have enough money for this kid's therapy bills.

[sara]

C. had a similarly unsuitable stepfather who disappeared (with the contents of his mom's savings account, no less) when C. was about this age.

On the whole, we're all just as glad not to have heard from the shit in the last 25 years or so.

[ellen_fremedon]

I agree that the dad and the stepmom should never have gotten married, if stepmom wasn't willing to have a parental relationship with the girl. But they didn't have that relationship, and the girl isn't stepmom's daughter. That rejection happened years ago, and if the girl was hurt by it, the hurt has already happened. Stepmom's walking away now probably isn't going to make it worse.

[celli]

Ugh, this gives me flashbacks to my ex-stepfather, who ADOPTED my little brother and then wrote him out of the will to make his other kids happy. He also kicked him out of the house at 16/17 for not doing his chores while recovering from knee surgery, ignored him completely once the divorce started, and then made out like he Really Did Care and my mom was just getting between them. Fortunately my little bro is not stupid and ignored him.

My dad, actually, is a better father figure than my stepdad ever was (my brother is not related to him). I refer to him as my bro's reverse step-dad. Little bro even lived with him and worked for him a while this summer before college.