Dear Prudence: Caught In A Lie

[minoanmiss]

Help! I’ve Told Everyone in My Life a Lie About My Family for Years. It’s Finally Caught Up to Me.



My mother was a narcissist who failed to do anything of note with her life but have me. As a result, my childhood was one abusive blur of competitions, lessons, and training for unachievable goals that my mother set. From sports to academics, I was OK, even good sometimes, but never great—and my mother never let me forget it. Not even for a moment. She expected me to thank her for giving me life and grovel at her feet for the privilege.

I went to college on the opposite coast and saw her once or twice a year until my mid-20s, when I finally got the courage to cut her out of my life like the cancer that she was. I started telling people that my mother was dead and I had no remaining family. It was just easier. The problem is that I am finally in a fairly serious relationship, and I think this is the one. I am imagining marriage and kids, maybe, at least a dog or two.

But my partner has a great relationship with their parents and has an optimistic view of how the world works. They think I am a legitimate orphan rather than just a figurative one. I know I need to come clean, but I don’t have any idea how or how to have a conversation like this. Help!

—Wish I Were an Orphan

Dear Wish I Were an Orphan,

This is a pretty huge lie. But it’s one that I think you may be able to come back from. You didn’t hide the truth for selfish reasons. You didn’t do it to hide missteps of your own. You didn’t manipulate your partner or conceal information that would change what it would be like to be married to you.


Still, you do need to come clean. Go with an old-fashioned, “There’s something I need to share with you. Can we talk?” introduction. The hard part won’t be sharing the basic information; it will be doing it in such a way that your partner understands why you decided to lie, and believes that you take their side of this experience seriously (don’t be dismissive or minimize it!) and feels reassured that keeping things secret won’t be a pattern for you.

So come up with some responses to the following questions:

Why did you lie? (Dig deeper than “It was the easier option.”)

How do you think it must feel for your partner to hear this? (Validate that they will probably be shocked and a bit worried.)

Why should they believe you will be honest going forward?

Then be prepared to say, “If there’s anything you want to know, I’ll be happy to share. And I understand if it will take some time to absorb this information.” On the other side of this conversation is a more intimate relationship and hopefully a much more loving family than the one you grew up with.

Comments

[lethe1]

I honestly don't think it's that big of a lie. LW cut off contact with their mother for very valid reasons, so for all intents and purposes, their mother is dead to them.

[otter]

I agree. It was a safety consideration for LW

[oursin]

Isn't there a real danger that partner and family will blithely try to engineer A Reconcilation?

[otter]

If that happens, then LW may want to reconsider choice of partner

[cereta]

This is th kind of thing I might suggest involving a professional in, both as emotional support for LW in general, and for the creation of a safe space to tell the truth. I know I'd feel more comfortable revealing that with someone else present. Of course, that runs the risk that the partner will feel less comfortable hearing it, but I think I'd be okay privileging my emotional safety in that circumstance.

[dissectionist]

“I told you my family is dead because to me, they are. My mother was abusive and my family aided the abuse. When I was strong enough in my mid-20s, I escaped her, and I’m never risking her harming me again. I haven’t had contact since then and I don’t know if she’s dead or alive physically now, but either way, she’s dead as far as I’m concerned. I tell everyone she’s dead because it’s true for me and because I don’t want to keep explaining the abuse to everyone and their brother. But things are getting more serious between us, and I don’t want you to feel like I’m holding anything back, so I need to tell you this now.”

If he’s not able to sympathize with why she says her family is dead or he pushes for her to give her mom another chance after hearing something like that, then LW needs to reconsider this relationship.

[ashbet]

Very well-said!

I had been thinking something along the lines of "I discovered that people got weird and intrusive if I said that my mother and I are estranged/no-contact, so it made more sense to just say she was dead (which she is, to me.) All of my friends I've met since my 20's think of her as dead, but since we're closer than that, as partners, I wanted to explain further. This whole situation was very painful to me, and I needed to cut off contact with my mother for my physical and emotional safety, but I want to be completely open with you about my past."

[gremdark]

Ugh, I'm so sympathetic to LW here. I've absolutely considered telling people my estranged parents are dead to make them back off.