Care and Feeding: My Son Argues Endlessly

[cereta]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am at a loss for what to do with my almost 11-year-old.

He argues constantly about everything. Here’s an example of the arguing: We made gingerbread houses this weekend. He got home from school, and I gave him a snack. While he was eating, he said, “I’m going to smash the gingerbread house on Christmas.” I said, “Nope, we do it on New Year’s Eve.” He said, “I made mine, so I get to smash it when I want.” I replied, “Nope, we always do it on New Year’s.” He kept repeating himself until I finally said, “We are done arguing, just drop it.” To which he retorted, “You just drop it!” I then asked him to go anywhere in the house besides the kitchen because he was still talking about it after I asked him to stop. (I couldn’t leave, I was helping his sitter get a snack, and doing dishes.) He then yelled at me, “You leave! Why do I have to leave if you’re the one with the problem?”

This happens every time he talks to me. I don’t get it. I want to spend time with him, but he is so hard and angry right now. He is so exhausting. He is nice to everyone else except his little sister and me. Whenever she talks to him, he makes fun of how she said something. Please help!

—Argued Out

Dear Argued Out,

It seems as if your son is truly upset with something other than what you’re actually arguing about. For example, in the case of the gingerbread house, he seemed upset about the loss of autonomy in making decisions about the house that he created, rather than the actual fact of not being allowed to smash it on Christmas. Does he feel like you always make all of the big and little decisions, while he isn’t allowed to make any? During these tween ages, it’s totally normal to want more freedom. It sounds like that could be the case, but you’ll need to ask him directly. Approach him in a quiet moment—not when you’re in the middle of a squabble and try to get to the bottom of it and his emotions. But make sure to stress that there is a way to respectfully share his feelings, especially when talking to his little sister. Also, think about the small ways that you can let him make his own decisions. Smashing his own gingerbread house, for example, doesn’t really hurt anyone else. So, sometimes, consider letting him make decisions that aren’t necessarily the ones you’d make.

In these day-to-day situations, do your best to keep calm. If your emotions start to rev up, his will automatically do the same. Then ask him why he wants to do something and encourage him to rephrase what he is saying. The fact that he only gets angry with you and his sister shows that he’s capable of communicating and expressing himself, but is too frustrated in those moments to do so. I’m unsure of where this inability is ultimately coming from, but some conversations with a therapist—for the whole family—during calmer times when emotions aren’t running so high would be beneficial for everyone. Good luck!

—Arionne

Comments

[cereta]

The advice is not bad for what it is (pick your battles, LW! Does it really matter when a kid smashes his gingerbread house?), but I feel like both LW and the advice completely undersell/elide what to me is a more serious problem than an argumentative kid: a kid who is being cruel to a sibling. I know: My Issues, Let Me Show Them, but making fun of his sister every time she speaks is not lighthearted teasing. It's cruelty. And I think it's way more important to address than when he wants to smash his gingerbread house.

*

[minoanmiss]

Yeah I got to that part and gasped at the skewed priorities. Why is the girl less important than the gingerbread house? (We all know why)

[cimorene]

Same, yikes. I can only hope she's exaggerating somewhat there.

[winterfirelight]

For real!! I was aghast enough that the reply did not meaningfully address how he treats his sister that I honestly might write in to shame them for it.

[purlewe]

I find the "being nice to everyone but his little sister and me" part startling. Are they the only women he belittles or is there a larger pattern?

[ysobel]

I was wondering that ... and what his internet history is

[topaz_eyes]

I kind of think LW is leaving out some important info here, like where is the father while Son picks on his sister and argues with LW. Family therapy is a good idea.

[conuly]

A bajillionty words to the subject of an utter nonissue, and half a sentence to "Also, he picks on his younger sister". Where are this LW's priorities.

[melannen]

Yep. I get people's concern over the way he treats his sister, but I am more concerned over LW's lack of concern about it. I rather strongly suspect he mistreats his sister because she's the only person in the house he can get away with expressing any frustration or personality or independence at, at all.

[zavodilaterrarium]

I always have to worry if the parents are actively saying negative things about the victim-child, prompting the siblings to join in. My parents used to comment on my weight, and while those comments weren’t individually that bad (I know they meant well, though that doesn’t mean much), I was tired of hearing it, especially because it influenced my siblings into making remarks on it too. Now, my siblings have never been genuinely nasty people, and they stopped mentioning it after my parents dropped it, so it’s clear to me that my parents were really the cause of it.

[ethelmay]

Totally irrelevant, but is "smashing" a gingerbread house a thing now? The few times we had a gingerbread house, we got to start eating bits after it had been up a while, and eventually I suppose the whole thing was up for grabs, but it sounds as if they have some specific gleeful smashing ceremony.

[conuly]

People often have weirdo, just-us family traditions.