Ask a Manager: People using "Rape" Metaphorically

[minoanmiss]

Content advisory in title.

Twice in the last six months — and in entirely different and unrelated professional contexts — I’ve had men use “rape” metaphorically. Things like, “XYZ Company is raping me” or “This is exactly how we get raped by ABC client.”

Like many women, I have been sexually assaulted. The man who raped me later spent months stalking me, vandalizing my car, and threatening to kill me. He is the reason I now live in another time zone, far from friends and family. Although it has been many years, the impact of this event is understandably lifelong and significant. I deeply resent being reminded of it in such a casual, thoughtless way, and especially while at work.

Both times, unsure of what to say or how to react, I just pretended it didn’t happen. I was stunned the first time it (in person, talking with someone senior to me), and I honestly cannot believe it has now occurred twice (the second time was over Zoom with a large peer group; I’ve never met the man who said it). How should we handle this if and when it happens?

It can be really hard to know how to respond to something like that on the spot — not only figuring out what to say, but also juggling all the power dynamics and politics that can be in play in a work situation. But if it happens again, it’s perfectly reasonable to say, “I don’t think that’s the right language to use” or “That’s not the right word to use” or “I’m sure you didn’t mean anything by it, but that’s not the right language to use.”

Comments

[minoanmiss]

1) This seems like a kind of mild response to me.

2) although personally I wouldn't say anything -- someone who uses such terminology is being a deliberately provocative asshole who wants someone else to challenge them on it -- I would just make a note of it and keep an eye on that person's behavior from now on.

3) It is possible I'm being too cynical in #2. Does anyone have any good ideas?

4) Speaking of metaphors, I want to dribble this commenter like a basketball. OK, that's a simile.

[zavodilaterrarium]

To the commenter mentioned in 4, who on Earth would be so ignorant as to use the term in the general meaning without realising how deeply intertwined it is with sexual violence? Almost nobody, so thus it is inexcusable… I’ve almost exclusively heard about the general-use of the word from historical art discussions, which I know most people have little care for. There is almost no way that the people around me use “rape” flippantly for any reason other than to be edgy and make their edgy friends laugh, because nobody outside of historians and losers should have the audacity to say such a thing in the current age — “back in the 1980’s”, hello hi, that was 40 years ago, a lot can change about what’s considered alright to say!

[matsushima]

I might accept that argument from a non-fluent speaker… the first time.

[zavodilaterrarium]

True… Though I would have to wonder where they learnt to use it like that…

[matsushima]

I've had coworkers use shockingly offensive language without thinking about it, who did back off and apologize when I called them out. Whether they continued to talk like that in their personal lives, I do not know - but they didn't say it at work any more, at least not around me. So sometimes it's worth speaking up.

I wonder if that's why Alison chose such a mild way of pushing back? That way, you're not a "aggressive" or "sensitive," just calmly stating, "That's not the right word to use in this situation." (You shouldn't have to remain calm in a situation like this or if a coworker is using a slur but…)

[adrian_turtle]

I'm entirely with you about #4.

But I think a mild response could have some value. There are, as you say, deliberately provocative assholes, but my experience is that some people use as if it's like saying, "We got murdered in the last quarter." Some of the shock value has worn off that metaphor because it's used so often, but most people still recognize that murder is a sensitive topic if they pause and think about it. And when they don't pause and think about it, I think they just land on rape when they're reaching for stronger metaphors for "they did something really awful to us in the last quarter."

[cereta]

Why are men? Just...why?

[ashbet]

I have encountered this – thankfully not in the workplace – and have always found it incredibly inappropriate and infuriating.

Honestly, it has the same vibe as someone who punches a wall to show how they’re “restraining themselves” from punching you… i.e., it’s an implicit threat and deliberate boundary-pushing.

[lilysea]

I encountered it in an all-male (apart from me) group of men playing board games (I was there because my then-boyfriend had brought me along, he was NOT the one who made the remark)

player A complained about player B's aggressive strategy during a board game, saying that player B's behaviour was "rapey"

and in that context, it didn't feel like a threat directed at me or at women more generally

but it DID feel like "these people have never felt personally at risk of sexual assault; and they lack emotional closeness/empathy with any of women in their lives"

It definitely made me feel creeped out and emotionally unsafe (but not PHYSICALLY unsafe).

Some of the men there had never dated, but at least two of the men had adult sisters.

[ashbet]

I saw it become prevalent in toxic male gamer culture in the 90s, back when you really didn’t want to get on audio chat if you were visibly female.

Thankfully, I never really got into the kind of games where I’d have to deal with this behavior frequently, but it did affect what kind of shared-world games that I wanted to get involved in.

[lilysea]

Yeah, this would have been around 1995, 1996, 1997

and it definitely made me think

a) these men are unpleasant individuals who lack empathy and sensitivity and kindness;

b) I don't want to play board games with these men

[ashbet]

I do not blame you in the slightest!!

[landofnowhere]

This was common in high school math competition culture in the 00s, which was heavily male and influenced by gamer culture. The couple times I tried to push back against it when I was a teenager, I got "I meant it metaphorically, don't make it gross". (I kind of wish I'd pushed back more when I was older and coaching/teaching these high school students, particurarly the one time I noticed that some kids I knew from a math program had formed an "I was raped by the [math competition]" facebook group (which did have some girls), but I wasn't entirely comfortable as an authority figure and wasn't sure how to do it without coming across as "scolding teacher ruins the fun".)

[mildred_of_midgard]

Amazingly, I have only encountered this once, and it was from a woman. I overheard a college student saying in hushed tones, "I was raped," and I had a moment of horror while I tried to think if there were resources that I could point her to on campus. Then she continued, and she repeated herself enough and I caught enough words to realize that she was saying, "I was raped on that exam."

I'm guessing she was never actually raped in her life, and I hope the young woman she was talking to wasn't, either.