Annie's Mailbox:

[cereta]

Dear Annie: Many years ago, my husband, "Sam," and I divorced. I started seeing someone else and became pregnant. That man left me, saying he didn't want more children. Sam and I began dating again, and he said we could remarry if his name went on the baby's birth certificate. The biological father didn't care, so I agreed. Three months after the baby was born, Sam and I married again.

That was 13 years ago. The problem is, sometimes Sam and I will argue, and he'll say, "Just take your daughter and get out," and other hurtful things indicating he's not her real father and so there's nothing to tie us together.

I'm worried that our daughter will find out about her parentage and be hurt. Should we tell her about her biological father? I know her bio dad recently got out of prison after a year's sentence for child molestation. I don't know where he's living, but I don't really want him around my daughter. Any suggestions? -- Living a Lie

Dear Living: The biological father no longer has any claim on your daughter. He gave up his rights. Your daughter is old enough to know about her background, although due to the particular circumstances, we suggest you first discuss it with a therapist who specializes in such issues. It would help to bring Sam into the sessions, as well, because his comments are not only reprehensible, but could cause all kinds of repercussions in his relationship with his daughter. He may be too angry with you during these arguments to fully realize how much he can hurt this child.

Comments

[cereta]

AUGH, this is why lying to people about their origins is a bad idea. YES, you should tell your daughter the truth, and YES, there should be a counselor involved, and YES, "Sam" needs to be a part of that process, because he needs to cut that shit out 13 years ago. Either he is this kid's father or he's just a name on a birth certificate (which, btw, combined with those 13 years, would almost certainly require him to pay child support if you do leave). Be prepared for your daughter to be angry that you kept this from her.

You should also engage in couples counseling without the daughter present.

Side note: there is nothing to indicate that the bio father has legally ceded his parental rights. Just allowing Sam to sign the birth certificate probably doesn't cut it, and you should contact an attorney post hast.

[fairestcat]

DO NOT DO THIS OMG.

This letter hits so many of my "parenting, you're doing it wrong" buttons.

Don't hide your child's parentage or history from them. I have never known a case where that didn't fuck the kid up when it came out.

If you claim a child as your own they're YOUR CHILD. No caveats, no "unless I want to use it against them or their other parent(s)."

And LW, your child is already being hurt by your husband's behaviour. Finding out why he's saying this hurtful shit (because there's no way the kid doesn't hear at least some of these fights) is probably not going to make things worse.