Good Job: My Work Disrespected Me During a Religious Holiday

[minoanmiss]

My Work Disrespected Me During a Religious Holiday. I Held My Tongue, But I’m Mad.

I work in an office. A few months ago, something happened that I can’t seem to get over. We had an all-hands meeting in person with some sensitivity training for everyone. It was pretty bog-standard HR generated stuff, reminding you not to openly discriminate against people in ways that could get the company sued. That’s all well and good I suppose, but the meeting did have some food provided, a variety of dishes from around the world which was supposed to showcase outreach or something.

The training was held during Passover and I am Jewish, meaning I had a pretty restricted set of things I was religiously allowed to eat at that moment. Before taking anything on offer, I asked the two ladies running the workshop whether or not anything there was pesadik. They did not even know what that meant, so I figured that nothing was and declined to eat anything. That led to me being lectured, in front of my coworkers, for my ‘insularity’ and how this is how that sort of xenophobia they were just warning against gets started.

I am aware of the irony, and also quite upset with how this turned out. My immediate, emotional response was to complain to either my boss, HR, or both.

But a louder part of me said that the overall economy isn’t good and that I might just be putting a target on my back by complaining about it. But it’s been months now, and I keep thinking about it. Should I have complained? And if so, is it too late to say anything?

-- Insensitivity Training


Dear Insensitivity Training,

Oh yes, the irony of being lectured for “insularity” during an anti-discrimination workshop is just too rich. Are people truly this un-self-aware? I have to believe that something about your request made them feel defensive so this was their response, but yeesh. I’m with you that their reaction was completely inappropriate, and I don’t think it’s too late to say anything. One approach, since you’re mindful of not wanting a target on your back and you don’t want to come across like you’ve been stewing over this for months, would be to wait until the month or so before Passover and then send a note to your boss and/or HR reminding them that Passover is approaching, and because you’d like to avoid the misunderstanding that happened last year, this is what you can and cannot eat during the holiday.

Which brings me to my next point. I’m truly not trying to blame the victim here (to be clear, you are the victim!), but as a fellow Jew, I try not to assume that anyone has knowledge of Jewish traditions. You say you “asked the two ladies running the workshop if anything was pesadik,” aka kosher for Passover, aka made without wheat, barley, oats, rye, and spelt. But I think it may have been unrealistic to expect that they knew what “pesadik” meant (which, for what it’s worth, is a term I haven’t heard most Reform Jews use either). You wrote “They did not even know what that meant” and so you didn’t eat anything, but I think it’s worth giving people grace in these moments and explaining what it means. Yes, it’s annoying that it’s on you to educate people, but next time, I would probably just send an email to the organizers ahead of time, explaining that you observe Passover, it runs for eight days, and during that time you cannot eat anything leavened that is made with these five grains.

And if you ever get a similar response as you did during the workshop, please do not wait to bring it up to your boss and/or HR. If the workplace is serious about sensitivity training, then they should be receptive to your feedback.

Comments

[rymenhild]

Facepalming forever

[katiedid717]

I think the advice here is great - of you have specific dietary restrictions, it is your responsibility to make sure there is something you can eat (whether that means communicating needs in advance or providing your own food)

I had a couple of dietary restrictions during pregnancy, including cold cuts/deli meat and premade items like chicken/edd/tuna salad. My office was having a lunch so I asked the organizer in advance what the menu was so that I knew in advance if I needed to bring my own food (since so many office lunches have the standard sandwich/wrap platter) - my boss has a handful of allergies/intolerances, and she'll do the same.

[rymenhild]

I mean, yes, the person should speak up in advance, but blaming them for having unusual needs is extremely non-inclusive and a problem that the office needs to fix.

[ambyr]

LW says they were fine not eating anything--the problem was they got publicly lectured for refusing to eat the food. No one should ever be pressured into eating any food in any circumstance!

[magid]

This reminds me of the day-long DEI training I was pulled into, where they couldn’t manage to get kosher food for me despite my advance request, so I had to bring breakfast and lunch. (And had to speak up about how going on and on about Hanukah was not, in fact, inclusive, because ignoring the actual major holidays in favor of the one in proximity to Xmas is still making it All About Xmas and the “Holiday” Season….). Not as bad as being lectured about my food choices, which, yeah, makes it over the top to me, but it’s stuck in my craw since then, and it’s possibly a decade since then….

[matsushima]

There are lots of reasons someone might decline to eat shared food (religious, allergies, fear of germs, illness, maybe nothing looks appetizing) and no good reason to lecture someone about what they are or aren't eating.

[cimorene]

Oh, I didn't catch that! And that would be a problem regardless of the religious context, although that makes it almost unbearably ironic.

[cimorene]

LW should be allowed to abstain as they wish without any explanation beyond saying no thank you, regardless of their religion.

However, if they were hungry, there quite possibly was something among the food made without those grains, and the answer is correct that in general it's probably worth the time to explain the term.

[magid]

It depends on how strict the LW is about kosher stringencies for Passover; there are those who won’t eat *anything* prepared in a non-kosher-for-Passover kitchen during the holiday, even if the rest of the year they’d be ok with plain undressed salad, or a fruit plate, much less anything actually cooked.

[cimorene]

Ah. In that case, I can see that notifying in advance would be necessary.

[magid]

Speaking as a kosher-keeping person, advance notice often does not result in food I can eat at the event. It’s very frustrating.

[redbird]

What I'd like to know is, what happened when they said something like "pesadik? What's that?"

Did LW say something like "sorry, that's Yiddish, it means kosher for Passover" or did they say "if you don't know, I can't eat any of this"?

I would expect whoever was serving/in charge of the food to think that "pesadik" was a new-to-them food restriction they might need to work with, and be hoping for an answer like "vegetarian, without eggs or alcohol."

Disclaimer: Gentile here.

[full_metal_ox]

You say you “asked the two ladies running the workshop if anything was pesadik,” aka kosher for Passover, aka made without wheat, barley, oats, rye, and spelt.

And that’s the TV Guide single-sentence summary—-before you start getting into stuff like what denomination’s version of Kosher you’re keeping (do grains that wouldn’t have been available to Moses, such as maize, quinoa, and rice fall under the taboo?) and kitniyot (grains and grain-adjacent foods such as that might conceivably have come into contact with a proscribed food and thus risked contamination—-practically every grain, legume, seed, and paragrain can fall under this according to the strictness of your particular tradition, denomination, and rabbi.)

As with any food restriction, I think the leading question from the organizers needs to be, “What can you eat?”

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, when I read this article at Slate you were one of the people I thought of. And as someone who has planned events I'm angry on your behalf in several different ways! Twenty years ago I could have accommodated a kosher, gluten-free or vegan diner if I were willing to put in a couple hours' work arranging that detail of the catering, though admittedly Boston gives a lot of resources to choose from. It certainly wouldn't even take a couple of hours now.

[conuly]

You can't berate people for not eating, that's never okay. FFS.

[cimorene]

That makes some sense I suppose, but I think asking in advance is probably a worthwhile gamble for anybody with a special diet. At least it somewhat increases the odds of getting something edible.

[magid]

It may improve the odds, but not nearly enough to rely on, in my decades of work experience. And if I can’t rely on it, then I have to either bring my own or watch other folks eat.

For example, when I was in publishing (~15 years), not once was a kosher meal managed for me for team or site outings, though once there was an ice cream social that was all kosher ice cream. Even at my going-away gathering, I could eat only one item, that a coworker had gotten at the kosher bakery. Or at my previous job, where they said that they acommodated dietary needs, but when it came down to it, they weren’t willing to pay extra to get kosher food for me, because the in-house place was of course not certified, and while they could manage vegan/gluten-free/allergies in house, paying for the admin to be able to eat was too spendy. And on and on. It’s exhausting, and almost never results in food I can eat, so why even bother to be the constantly squeaking wheel that never gets fixed?

[ashbet]

Agreed — they didn’t complain about the food, they just didn’t eat.