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DEAR ABBY: I was sexually abused as a child. Because of this, as an adult woman, I have issues around being touched. I have had therapy, and I am doing much better, but I'm still uncomfortable with physical contact. I simply request that people ask me before they touch me, and I usually agree.
The issue is my mother-in-law. She refuses to ask before touching me and often pulls me into unwanted hugs or comes up behind me. I have explained to her about my history, so she knows why I want her to ask me first, but she brushes it off and says she isn't going to hurt me. One time she said, "What? Do you think I'm going to attack you?" No, I don't think she is going to attack me. This issue is about me, not her, but she doesn't understand that.
My husband throws up his hands and refuses to get involved, as he hates being put in the middle. How can I make her understand that I need her to ask before putting her hands on me? -- PROTECTIVE IN ILLINOIS
DEAR PROTECTIVE: Tell your mother-in-law once more, when you are both calm, that because of your history of abuse you do not want to be touched without first being asked. If she says, "Do you think I'm going to attack you?" your response should be, "That's EXACTly what it feels like! It feels like I'm being assaulted. DON'T DO IT!" If she does it after that, then, in my opinion, you have every right to defend yourself.
P.S. Your wimp of a husband should be there during this conversation.
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The issue is my mother-in-law. She refuses to ask before touching me and often pulls me into unwanted hugs or comes up behind me. I have explained to her about my history, so she knows why I want her to ask me first, but she brushes it off and says she isn't going to hurt me. One time she said, "What? Do you think I'm going to attack you?" No, I don't think she is going to attack me. This issue is about me, not her, but she doesn't understand that.
My husband throws up his hands and refuses to get involved, as he hates being put in the middle. How can I make her understand that I need her to ask before putting her hands on me? -- PROTECTIVE IN ILLINOIS
DEAR PROTECTIVE: Tell your mother-in-law once more, when you are both calm, that because of your history of abuse you do not want to be touched without first being asked. If she says, "Do you think I'm going to attack you?" your response should be, "That's EXACTly what it feels like! It feels like I'm being assaulted. DON'T DO IT!" If she does it after that, then, in my opinion, you have every right to defend yourself.
P.S. Your wimp of a husband should be there during this conversation.
Link
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I had a little old lady (a customer) at the pharmacist sneak up behind me and painfully grab a handful of my dress and my body
which
a) hurt and
b) scared the hell out of me
and when I turned around and yelled at her about how badly she had scared me, and how dangerous what she did was because I could very possibly have punched her in self defense as a purely involuntary reflex/purely automatic reflex (between my PTSD and having been punched from behind by a different stranger in public that month, me punching her on autopilot as an automatic involuntary reflex to her grabbing my neck from behind was a very real possibility, it was VERY lucky both for her and for me that I autodefaulted to FREEZE instead)
she was like "but you had a tag sticking out the back of your dress! and I couldn't put up with looking at it!"
and the other people in the chemist (including the chemist staff) acted like *I* was the unreasonable person for being upset for being frighteningly and physically painfully grabbed from behind by a stranger.
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Word. And for disabled people.
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Yes, I've been using a power wheelchair since 2010, I am Very Aware.
(and it's significantly worse for disabled women than for disabled men, based on writings I've read by disabled women vs writings I've read by disabled men - disabled men get more nonconsensual touch than abled men do; but disabled women get more nonconsensual touch than disabled men do.)