agonyaunt | (no subject)

(no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I was sexually abused as a child. Because of this, as an adult woman, I have issues around being touched. I have had therapy, and I am doing much better, but I'm still uncomfortable with physical contact. I simply request that people ask me before they touch me, and I usually agree.

The issue is my mother-in-law. She refuses to ask before touching me and often pulls me into unwanted hugs or comes up behind me. I have explained to her about my history, so she knows why I want her to ask me first, but she brushes it off and says she isn't going to hurt me. One time she said, "What? Do you think I'm going to attack you?" No, I don't think she is going to attack me. This issue is about me, not her, but she doesn't understand that.

My husband throws up his hands and refuses to get involved, as he hates being put in the middle. How can I make her understand that I need her to ask before putting her hands on me? -- PROTECTIVE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR PROTECTIVE: Tell your mother-in-law once more, when you are both calm, that because of your history of abuse you do not want to be touched without first being asked. If she says, "Do you think I'm going to attack you?" your response should be, "That's EXACTly what it feels like! It feels like I'm being assaulted. DON'T DO IT!" If she does it after that, then, in my opinion, you have every right to defend yourself.

P.S. Your wimp of a husband should be there during this conversation.

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Maybe extreme, but divorce could solve that issue.

LOL.

I'm just imagining that if the husband doesn't support her in this situation, he's probably not supportive otherwise. And as Desmond Tutu said (to paraphrase) - anyone who doesn't stand up against an oppressor (bully in this case) has taken their side.

I have a somewhat exaggerated startle reflex. When I was a kid, my mother got her nose broken when she reached over to tickle me from behind. Got her in the face with the back of my head. (I'd like to say she stopped deliberately trying to make me jump after that, but no, I had to take drastic measures later. The story has, however, stopped other people from doing the same thing, so there's that.)

Over the years I've managed to get the jumping down significantly, but with a corresponding increase in screaming. People I've screamed at include the pizza guy (he came to the back door instead of the front, I was not expecting to see him there), every one of my relatives multiple times, and my cat (she was sitting on my keyboard, I was not expecting to see her there). My relatives are used to this. Strangers are... not. They are not.

Hilariously, I don't particularly feel anything when this happens. My brain goes right towards "jump and/or let out an earsplitting wordless shriek" and bypasses steps like "increase heart rate and breathing". But judging from their reactions, other people not only find this alarming but also assume I must have some intense feeling of some sort. They try to reassure me and I stand there going "Seriously, it's just a thing, if you're okay we can move on".

Anyway, I finally stopped my mother by walking off every time she tried to touch me. It took a while, but she eventually got the message the time I stopped an elevator on the next floor, got off, and went home instead of hanging out with her.

LW clearly does not have my little startle issue, but nobody else has to know that. It would not be unusual in a person with PTSD, which also would not be unusual in her situation. I'd recommend that the next time this boor attacks her, LW screams very loud, then pushes her away and shouts "Stop touching me! It hurts!" before leaving the gathering. And I do mean leaving - get her things, get in her car, and if anybody asks say "You all know why I don't like being hugged without permission. I need to go home and calm down."

People may talk about her behind her back, but I can guarantee that she won't have to deal with this nonsense for too much longer. (And if she does, then she'll know and can stop going to any of their parties henceforth. Why spend time with people like that?)

Sometimes I think that the trouble with our society is that all the wrong people throw all the tantrums. A well-placed storm out can do you a world of good, just so long as you don't misuse the tactic.

I once accidentally scared a woman collecting things for Buy Nothing when they were an hour earlier than the agreed time and came up behind me when I was outside

As an 100% automatic reflex, I screamed at the top of my lungs, spun around, and raised my arms way up above my head like I was a preying mantis about to strike.

No amount of explaining that she had badly startled me/badly scared me by being an hour early and sneaking up right behind me like a Ninja stopped her from acting like she thought I was completely insane.

Oh, this is a great idea! Screaming "Get your hands off me!" in the moment is a whole lot better than calmly explaining for the 3rd or 4th time why it is so important that she keep her hands off.

Honestly, I wouldn't blame LW if she starts spilling her red wine on MIL's expensive clothes or expensive carpet every time MIL startles her like this.

Hard to remove stains might well matter more to MIL than LW's feelings.

I really wish society had better bodily autonomy, especially for women [people are generally better about not touching adult men without permission than they are about not touching adult women without permission, and I am not just talking about sexual harassment]

I had a little old lady (a customer) at the pharmacist sneak up behind me and painfully grab a handful of my dress and my body

which

a) hurt and

b) scared the hell out of me

and when I turned around and yelled at her about how badly she had scared me, and how dangerous what she did was because I could very possibly have punched her in self defense as a purely involuntary reflex/purely automatic reflex (between my PTSD and having been punched from behind by a different stranger in public that month, me punching her on autopilot as an automatic involuntary reflex to her grabbing my neck from behind was a very real possibility, it was VERY lucky both for her and for me that I autodefaulted to FREEZE instead)

she was like "but you had a tag sticking out the back of your dress! and I couldn't put up with looking at it!"

and the other people in the chemist (including the chemist staff) acted like *I* was the unreasonable person for being upset for being frighteningly and physically painfully grabbed from behind by a stranger.

"Sorry to bother you, but your tag's sticking out." (leave you to deal with it unless you ask for help). How hard is that? Apparently very hard for some people.

I really wish society had better bodily autonomy, especially for women

Word. And for disabled people.

Word. And for disabled people

Yes, I've been using a power wheelchair since 2010, I am Very Aware.

(and it's significantly worse for disabled women than for disabled men, based on writings I've read by disabled women vs writings I've read by disabled men - disabled men get more nonconsensual touch than abled men do; but disabled women get more nonconsensual touch than disabled men do.)

I am gleefully imagining a broken nose for LW’s MIL. (I can’t believe THAT didn’t teach your mother.)

My mother continued to recount it as a funny story that was my fault until my sister got sick of it and told her in no uncertain terms that this made her look much worse than me and she was 1000% responsible for what had happened.

Sometimes I think that the trouble with our society is that all the wrong people throw all the tantrums. A

wORD.

I came here to say screaming.

As with a lot of things I think consistency is quite effective -- even if she doesn't leave, if she screams a bit each time and has the nerve to keep it up, I *think* most people learn after once or twice.

I just had this image of LW carrying around a water pistol and squirting MIL in the face every time she grabbed LW without asking

as tho MIL was a misbehaving cat.

Abby is correct that LW's husband should help in this defense, but I think she's mistaken that the mother-in-law doesn't recognize the boundary. The problem is that she thinks she is entitled to cross the boundary. For many people, a physical counter-attack like a foot-stomp or hard elbow to the ribs would not be a good idea. (Breaking grandma's foot sets a bad example for the children. Refusing to be in the same building with grandma? A good example.)

"What? Do you think I'm going to attack you?" is a deflection I've heard in situations where that was imminent/in progress, so that's telling for me.

LW is usually able to accommodate requests and has done a lot of work to be able to handle her discomfort and to connect with people she cares for in this way. MIL could get real hugs if she didn't insist on them being a surprise submission exercise, but demonstrating parental entitlement seems to be the point.

I think a physical response in the moment might discourage, though screaming or leaving is probably better than my body's go-to for unexpected touch, which is to come around slapping like a kangaroo.

Hey, LW's husband, you are supposed to take LW's side on this, and tell your mother in no uncertain terms to stop the unwanted touching. That is part of being married to LW. Sheesh.

When I was in kindergarten and had long hair there was a boy who would sneak up behind and pull it and the teacher would not do anything because it was "my word against his". My mother told me to just stomp down hard right behind me next time it happened without waiting to look. I did, and he cried to the teacher... but he never did it again.

Also, LW's mother is sadistically toying with her. It's a power thing. Fuck her.

Geez, that teacher.

Yeah, I don't remember much about her, including what she looked like, but that's a pretty solid fail for that age of children.

Every time someone touches my hair in the store (we're on sixteen times this year), I shriek like I'm participating in Beatlemania.

Anyone who gets defensive and ugly after they made someone shriek after touching their hair deserves to feel bad.

Do not touch people without consent unless you're literally saving their life.

Whole Man Disposal Service, you're late for your appointment.

I come from a hockey culture, which means that I will throw elbows. Throwing an elbow followed by "Sorry, you startled me," in a flat, blatantly non-sorry voice, repeated as necessary, has worked a treat for me.

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