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DEAR ABBY: I was sexually abused as a child. Because of this, as an adult woman, I have issues around being touched. I have had therapy, and I am doing much better, but I'm still uncomfortable with physical contact. I simply request that people ask me before they touch me, and I usually agree.
The issue is my mother-in-law. She refuses to ask before touching me and often pulls me into unwanted hugs or comes up behind me. I have explained to her about my history, so she knows why I want her to ask me first, but she brushes it off and says she isn't going to hurt me. One time she said, "What? Do you think I'm going to attack you?" No, I don't think she is going to attack me. This issue is about me, not her, but she doesn't understand that.
My husband throws up his hands and refuses to get involved, as he hates being put in the middle. How can I make her understand that I need her to ask before putting her hands on me? -- PROTECTIVE IN ILLINOIS
DEAR PROTECTIVE: Tell your mother-in-law once more, when you are both calm, that because of your history of abuse you do not want to be touched without first being asked. If she says, "Do you think I'm going to attack you?" your response should be, "That's EXACTly what it feels like! It feels like I'm being assaulted. DON'T DO IT!" If she does it after that, then, in my opinion, you have every right to defend yourself.
P.S. Your wimp of a husband should be there during this conversation.
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The issue is my mother-in-law. She refuses to ask before touching me and often pulls me into unwanted hugs or comes up behind me. I have explained to her about my history, so she knows why I want her to ask me first, but she brushes it off and says she isn't going to hurt me. One time she said, "What? Do you think I'm going to attack you?" No, I don't think she is going to attack me. This issue is about me, not her, but she doesn't understand that.
My husband throws up his hands and refuses to get involved, as he hates being put in the middle. How can I make her understand that I need her to ask before putting her hands on me? -- PROTECTIVE IN ILLINOIS
DEAR PROTECTIVE: Tell your mother-in-law once more, when you are both calm, that because of your history of abuse you do not want to be touched without first being asked. If she says, "Do you think I'm going to attack you?" your response should be, "That's EXACTly what it feels like! It feels like I'm being assaulted. DON'T DO IT!" If she does it after that, then, in my opinion, you have every right to defend yourself.
P.S. Your wimp of a husband should be there during this conversation.
Link
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Yes, I've been using a power wheelchair since 2010, I am Very Aware.
(and it's significantly worse for disabled women than for disabled men, based on writings I've read by disabled women vs writings I've read by disabled men - disabled men get more nonconsensual touch than abled men do; but disabled women get more nonconsensual touch than disabled men do.)