Toxic: It's not just a buzzword!

[conuly]

Dear Prudence,

I would never cut off my family, and I don’t think of them as “toxic” or any of those buzzwords, but we aren’t close. We talk on holidays and they attended my wedding celebration, but we don’t really know each other. My parents focused on my brother growing up, and I was just kind of also there. When I was 15, my brother had some more intense issues and my parents moved out of state to give him a fresh start. My best friend’s parents offered to take me in so I could finish high school in my hometown. It was the best thing anyone could have possibly done for me. They parented me in a way I’d never experienced and, although I was difficult, they were patient. I thrived with them. I went on to get an apprenticeship, build a small business, and marry a wonderful man. We co-own a duplex with my best friend and her spouse, and are close with his family and hers. We plan to raise kids together. I feel like my family is here, and complete. But then my beloved brother changed everything.

Completely unexpectedly to me, my brother sharply cut off our parents this winter. I have no idea why. They’re responding by pouring all that energy and money my way for the first time in my life. It’s very weird and uncomfortable, and I don’t know how to get them to stop. I’ve been dodging their calls and texts, but they’ve escalated to mailing gifts, and pushing for a visit. How do I politely shut them down and keep our normal level of contact?

—I Barely Know Them

Dear Barely Know,

Hear me out: Is there any part of you that wants to explore what a closer relationship with your parents might look like? It sounds like they were disappointing and emotionally neglectful, but fell short of being mean or abusive, at least in your eyes. I’m not reading that you strongly dislike them. How do you feel when you think about the possibility of getting to know them, eventually letting them know how hurt you’ve been by their choices, and potentially forgiving them and charting a different course for the next part of your lives?

I’m suggesting this in part because you have created your own family, and I know that you’ll be OK if your mom and dad disappoint you yet again. Would you consider a letter or phone call that might open the door to reconnecting? If not, that’s fair! They haven’t offered an apology, and there’s always the risk that they could abandon you again if and when they reconnect with your brother. If you want to keep them at arm’s length, here are two ways you might go about it:

1) The nonconfrontational option: Silence notifications for their calls and texts and only respond as frequently as you would have in the past. Say “My schedule is really busy so I can’t commit to a visit, and I’m not sure when I will be able to.”

2) The confrontational option: “Hey Mom and Dad, I’m noticing that ever since you had a falling out with my brother, you’ve been reaching out to me and wanting to visit a lot more. I have to admit it feels strange to me, since we haven’t been close since you moved when I was in high school. It took a lot to create a life where I have a lot of love and support from others and I’m happy with the way things are. So I don’t think I’ll be up for a visit or much more contact than we’ve had in recent years.”

And remember, if you do decide, now or later, that you’re open to more from them, that doesn’t have to mean fully welcoming them into your life, accepting all their gifts, and taking every phone call. If they are offering to show up more, you can set the terms of the relationship, so it might be worth thinking about whether there’s anything you would like from them. Then ask for it! You don’t have much to lose.


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Comments

[conuly]

LW should a. ask their unofficial foster parents what they think of all this and b. if they're in contact with their brother at all, ask him what the hell is going on from his perspective, with a promise to hear him out and not make any comments.

And then maybe speak to a therapist because, boy howdy, those bioparents sound fucking toxic. (As noted in the comments at Slate, it may not be that strange to take in a kid so they don't have to transfer in their last year of high school, but it's a lot more unusual to do so for an unrelated 15 year old unless you suspect something is not quite right at home.)

Thoughts

[ysabetwordsmith]

Since there aren't overt statements or signs of abuse, I'm less inclined to say "toxic" (which I think of particularly as emotionally abusive or manipulative) as much as inept. Some people just suck at parenting. They aren't necessarily cruel, just bad at it. Maybe they're overwhelmed, or they didn't have good examples, or they didn't actually want kids. Not all crappy parenting is necessarily toxic, abusive, or neglectful but can still be so crappy that someone doesn't want extra of it.

Now, there certainly could be abuse. I wonder what's going on with the brother too. People with an iffy home life won't necessarily know what kinds of abuse there are or how to identify that.

[redbird]

This is something where the difference between an advice column and a conversation with a friend or a therapist stands out: either of those people would have useful background, and be able to ask questions about things like LW's relationship with their brother. Like, does "unexpectedly to me" mean that they hadn't talked to any of the people involved in a while, and it's like learning from a Cbristmas letter that one of your cousins is moving to Oregon, or does it mean that they'd been in touch, but it went from "I'm annoyed that Mom did X" to "I'm no longer talking to them" quickly and without LW knowing why?

One significant piece of the puzzle here is who told LW about the break: one or both parents, or the brother? (I'm guessing the parents, but I may be reading too much into the word "sharply.") Any advice I might give the LW would depend significantly on who LW heard this from, and on what sort of relationship, if any, they had with their brother.

[topaz_eyes]

My parents focused on my brother growing up, and I was just kind of also there. Emotional neglect is still neglect, which is a form of abuse, and had a profound effect on LW growing up. LW says of BFF's parents, They parented me in a way I’d never experienced and, although I was difficult, they were patient. LW was fortunate to land with BFF's parents. It's weird how Prudence is pushing LW to make contact when LW points out it's very weird and uncomfortable, and has already decided to go no/low contact.

[lilysea]

Yes, experts consider emotional neglect one of the Adverse Childhood Experiences that puts people at greater risk of chronic physical health issues and/or chronic mental health issues in adulthood.

[ethelmay]

Yeah, the parents seem to have cast LW in the role of Backup Kid, and I don't blame them for not wanting to take it on.

[princessofgeeks]

Oh man those parents are in la la land. They are so focused on what's going on inside their own heads, they think they can just resume the relationship with LW without ANY consideration or contemplation of what had been happening to LW SINCE THEY WERE 15.

It's like for the parents NO TIME HAS PASSED AT ALL. They were focused on the brother and now that he's out, they have awakened suddenly to the fact that THEY HAVE ANOTHER CHILD OMG.

This is so awful. Like the LW I would be very wary. So very wary. Yikes.

[conuly]

Since before LW was 15, and by the way, I'm itching to ask why LW refers to themself as being "difficult" those last few years of high school and where they think that comes from.

[minoanmiss]

Prudence, what the everloving fuck, why are you encouraging LW to shred themself on the jagged flinty rocks of these parents?

LW: my situation is not similar except for how it is. My parents abused me as a child: now they want to be kind to me since they're elderly and I'm their only child. I am not willing to never talk to them again (some days I'm not sure why) so I keep them at arm's length. Your previous level of contact sounds about right to you. Keep to it. Tell tehm you have no time nor space for visits.

Also, if you're up for it, and he's willing to talk to you, I would recommend you talk to your brother. But don't break yourself on that either.

[gremdark]

The brother cutting them off also makes me suspect that being the “all the attention” child was not a picnic either. They don’t seem to understand LW’s boundaries, which indicates to me that they may not have cultivated any with their brother.
Sometimes siblings who experienced radically different sides of their parents can connect over the fucked-up middle and sometimes they can’t, but depending on LW’s relationship with their brother, reaching out to him might not be a bad idea.

[conuly]

My parents abused me as a child: now they want to be kind to me since they're elderly and I'm their only child.

I've said it before, to many different people, and I'll say it again: if your parents wanted you to close to them as an adult they should've tried being nice when you were a kid.

[firecat]

Q: “How do I politely shut them down and keep our normal level of contact?”
A: “But don’t you want to meet them? They’re faaaaamily!”

Did Prudence get a kickback from these neglectful parsnts?

[mrissa]

From the Neglectful Parents' League in general, I think; this is not her first time down that path.

[mrissa]

This is why sometimes I don't push on terminology. Yes, by any rational standard so-and-so's spouse (parent, friend, aunt) is abusive, but they will balk at the word. The standard is not "is this person abusive," it's "are they good to you, are they a positive presence in your life."

[conuly]

Oh, no, totally. What I'd say to LW and what I'm happy to say about LW are different things. Bringing in the A word if the other person hasn't said it first is almost never the best move.

[movingfinger]

The parents seem to think that parenting is a pay-to-play relationship. LW would be wise to turn down the gifts that these people are trying to pour on her. I suspect, given the brother cutting them off and their frantic turn to LW, that everything they do comes with a halter or a noose attached, and they expect full return on their investments. I would not advise even having them to visit. The less contact the better.

Prudence gives such awful advice.