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Toxic: It's not just a buzzword!
Dear Prudence,
I would never cut off my family, and I don’t think of them as “toxic” or any of those buzzwords, but we aren’t close. We talk on holidays and they attended my wedding celebration, but we don’t really know each other. My parents focused on my brother growing up, and I was just kind of also there. When I was 15, my brother had some more intense issues and my parents moved out of state to give him a fresh start. My best friend’s parents offered to take me in so I could finish high school in my hometown. It was the best thing anyone could have possibly done for me. They parented me in a way I’d never experienced and, although I was difficult, they were patient. I thrived with them. I went on to get an apprenticeship, build a small business, and marry a wonderful man. We co-own a duplex with my best friend and her spouse, and are close with his family and hers. We plan to raise kids together. I feel like my family is here, and complete. But then my beloved brother changed everything.
Completely unexpectedly to me, my brother sharply cut off our parents this winter. I have no idea why. They’re responding by pouring all that energy and money my way for the first time in my life. It’s very weird and uncomfortable, and I don’t know how to get them to stop. I’ve been dodging their calls and texts, but they’ve escalated to mailing gifts, and pushing for a visit. How do I politely shut them down and keep our normal level of contact?
—I Barely Know Them
Dear Barely Know,
Hear me out: Is there any part of you that wants to explore what a closer relationship with your parents might look like? It sounds like they were disappointing and emotionally neglectful, but fell short of being mean or abusive, at least in your eyes. I’m not reading that you strongly dislike them. How do you feel when you think about the possibility of getting to know them, eventually letting them know how hurt you’ve been by their choices, and potentially forgiving them and charting a different course for the next part of your lives?
I’m suggesting this in part because you have created your own family, and I know that you’ll be OK if your mom and dad disappoint you yet again. Would you consider a letter or phone call that might open the door to reconnecting? If not, that’s fair! They haven’t offered an apology, and there’s always the risk that they could abandon you again if and when they reconnect with your brother. If you want to keep them at arm’s length, here are two ways you might go about it:
1) The nonconfrontational option: Silence notifications for their calls and texts and only respond as frequently as you would have in the past. Say “My schedule is really busy so I can’t commit to a visit, and I’m not sure when I will be able to.”
2) The confrontational option: “Hey Mom and Dad, I’m noticing that ever since you had a falling out with my brother, you’ve been reaching out to me and wanting to visit a lot more. I have to admit it feels strange to me, since we haven’t been close since you moved when I was in high school. It took a lot to create a life where I have a lot of love and support from others and I’m happy with the way things are. So I don’t think I’ll be up for a visit or much more contact than we’ve had in recent years.”
And remember, if you do decide, now or later, that you’re open to more from them, that doesn’t have to mean fully welcoming them into your life, accepting all their gifts, and taking every phone call. If they are offering to show up more, you can set the terms of the relationship, so it might be worth thinking about whether there’s anything you would like from them. Then ask for it! You don’t have much to lose.
Link
I would never cut off my family, and I don’t think of them as “toxic” or any of those buzzwords, but we aren’t close. We talk on holidays and they attended my wedding celebration, but we don’t really know each other. My parents focused on my brother growing up, and I was just kind of also there. When I was 15, my brother had some more intense issues and my parents moved out of state to give him a fresh start. My best friend’s parents offered to take me in so I could finish high school in my hometown. It was the best thing anyone could have possibly done for me. They parented me in a way I’d never experienced and, although I was difficult, they were patient. I thrived with them. I went on to get an apprenticeship, build a small business, and marry a wonderful man. We co-own a duplex with my best friend and her spouse, and are close with his family and hers. We plan to raise kids together. I feel like my family is here, and complete. But then my beloved brother changed everything.
Completely unexpectedly to me, my brother sharply cut off our parents this winter. I have no idea why. They’re responding by pouring all that energy and money my way for the first time in my life. It’s very weird and uncomfortable, and I don’t know how to get them to stop. I’ve been dodging their calls and texts, but they’ve escalated to mailing gifts, and pushing for a visit. How do I politely shut them down and keep our normal level of contact?
—I Barely Know Them
Dear Barely Know,
Hear me out: Is there any part of you that wants to explore what a closer relationship with your parents might look like? It sounds like they were disappointing and emotionally neglectful, but fell short of being mean or abusive, at least in your eyes. I’m not reading that you strongly dislike them. How do you feel when you think about the possibility of getting to know them, eventually letting them know how hurt you’ve been by their choices, and potentially forgiving them and charting a different course for the next part of your lives?
I’m suggesting this in part because you have created your own family, and I know that you’ll be OK if your mom and dad disappoint you yet again. Would you consider a letter or phone call that might open the door to reconnecting? If not, that’s fair! They haven’t offered an apology, and there’s always the risk that they could abandon you again if and when they reconnect with your brother. If you want to keep them at arm’s length, here are two ways you might go about it:
1) The nonconfrontational option: Silence notifications for their calls and texts and only respond as frequently as you would have in the past. Say “My schedule is really busy so I can’t commit to a visit, and I’m not sure when I will be able to.”
2) The confrontational option: “Hey Mom and Dad, I’m noticing that ever since you had a falling out with my brother, you’ve been reaching out to me and wanting to visit a lot more. I have to admit it feels strange to me, since we haven’t been close since you moved when I was in high school. It took a lot to create a life where I have a lot of love and support from others and I’m happy with the way things are. So I don’t think I’ll be up for a visit or much more contact than we’ve had in recent years.”
And remember, if you do decide, now or later, that you’re open to more from them, that doesn’t have to mean fully welcoming them into your life, accepting all their gifts, and taking every phone call. If they are offering to show up more, you can set the terms of the relationship, so it might be worth thinking about whether there’s anything you would like from them. Then ask for it! You don’t have much to lose.
Link
no subject
LW: my situation is not similar except for how it is. My parents abused me as a child: now they want to be kind to me since they're elderly and I'm their only child. I am not willing to never talk to them again (some days I'm not sure why) so I keep them at arm's length. Your previous level of contact sounds about right to you. Keep to it. Tell tehm you have no time nor space for visits.
Also, if you're up for it, and he's willing to talk to you, I would recommend you talk to your brother. But don't break yourself on that either.
no subject
Sometimes siblings who experienced radically different sides of their parents can connect over the fucked-up middle and sometimes they can’t, but depending on LW’s relationship with their brother, reaching out to him might not be a bad idea.
no subject
I've said it before, to many different people, and I'll say it again: if your parents wanted you to close to them as an adult they should've tried being nice when you were a kid.