conuly: (Default)
conuly ([personal profile] conuly) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2025-06-17 02:57 pm

One column, two letters

Link to Dear Annie

Dear Annie: My husband and I have two kids under 5, and we both work full-time. As you can imagine, our lives are pretty hectic. My mother-in-law lives about 30 minutes away and expects us to visit her almost every weekend. If we don't, she lays on the guilt pretty thick -- talking about how she "never sees the kids" or implying we don't value family.

The truth is, we're just exhausted. Weekends are the only time we get to catch up on rest, housework or just quality time together as a family without having to entertain. We've tried inviting her to our house instead, but she always declines and insists we come to her.

I know she means well, and we want her to have a relationship with the kids, but I'm starting to dread the constant pressure. How can we set firmer boundaries without starting a bigger family conflict? -- Tired But Trying


Dear Tired But Trying: If she's only willing to see you on her terms, you're under no obligation to accommodate her. You've already opened up your home -- quite generously, I might add, given how cherished your weekends must be -- and she declined.

Instead of enduring her guilt trips every weekend, how about setting a standing date -- say, the first Saturday of every month -- where you go over to her house with the kids? Let her know that you'd love to see her more, but given your hectic schedule, additional visits will have to be at your place.

****************


2. Dear Annie: Out of the blue, my daughter told me she bought a house in Connecticut and will be moving there from New Jersey. She insists the two-hour drive isn't far, but I feel hurt and blindsided that she didn't let me know about this until she'd already bought the house and was getting ready to sell her New Jersey home.

Her mother-in-law helped her financially with the move, which is great, but now she'll live just 30 minutes from her in-laws while I'm two hours away. I feel betrayed having been kept in the dark. I'm also 65, live on my own and have a very, very sick dog. I don't know how long the dog will live, but for now, traveling two hours one way just isn't an option.

I'm very hurt by what she did and I'm trying to get past it. She used to live just 30 minutes from me, and now she'll be just as close to her mother-in-law, who helped her buy the house. I've actually had to go on antidepressants because of this. Thankfully, my son and his fiancee live a mile away, so that's a blessing. But I feel like the mother-in-law pulled a fast one as she has her daughter, her daughter's family and now her son and his family so close to her.

Please give me some advice to help me get through this. -- Left Out in New Jersey


Dear Left Out: What hurts most isn't that your daughter chose to move; it's that she made a major life decision without including you in it. While I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt you, it's understandable why you feel blindsided and even a little rejected with her now being closer to her in-laws.

Instead of seeing this as a competition between "you" versus "them," focus on what you can do to maintain the relationship and stay connected with your daughter despite this newfound distance. Let her know you wish you'd been kept in the loop and then together, figure out ways to bridge the gap, whether that's weekly calls or visits every few months when she's able to make it down to you. Don't let this change overshadow the support you still have. Your son and his fiancee are nearby, which is, as you said, a blessing.
angelofthenorth: Two puffins in love (Default)

[personal profile] angelofthenorth 2025-06-17 07:27 pm (UTC)(link)
Maybe LW1 could have a facetime/Zoom organised on the weeks she isn't seeing MIL.
cimorene: cartoony drawing of a woman's head in profile giving dubious side-eye (Default)

[personal profile] cimorene 2025-06-17 08:21 pm (UTC)(link)
My MIL also loved to complain about "favoritism" of the mothers of her kids' spouses, including throwing a fit about the one who was providing unlimited free babysitting when nibling triplets were toddlers (BIL and SIL were like, She offered. Did you want to offer free babysitting? Be our guest, and she actually did start to babysit for them occasionally) and crying because my wife and I asked my mom, who has been fixing up houses her whole life and even done paid work for a contractor friend of hers in the summer, for advice about woodworking and painting and tiling instead of her "even though she was right there" (she had no relevant experience).

Anyway, my MIL had an inferiority complex due to childhood abuse. I suspect there might be something going on with LW that is more appropriately dealt with between her and a therapist than between her and her daughter.
mrissa: (Default)

[personal profile] mrissa 2025-06-17 08:28 pm (UTC)(link)
So many people. So many many many people. Asking for solutions with no conflict when the other person has brought enough conflict for everybody.

"Please tell me the magic words for making my relative into a different and nicer person" welp.
tielan: Teal'c: choose freedom (SG1 - Teal'c)

[personal profile] tielan 2025-06-17 11:40 pm (UTC)(link)
"Please tell me the magic words for making my relative into a different and nicer person"

Oh man, this is precisely what people are asking for!

(And there are no magic words. There never are.)
sushiflop: (kakuhidan; bother bother bother)

[personal profile] sushiflop 2025-06-18 02:54 am (UTC)(link)
Wishing LW1 well in keeping in pleasant, but also, firm. Pleasant and firm. The pleasant part will keep it from snowballing into a blizzard of family drama at least on the LW's side (the high ground!) and the firm part will keep those boundaries in place.

Wishing LW2 well in finding a friend whose shoulder she can cry on about this and not making it her daughter's problem.
gremdark: A cluster of orange, many-petaled marigolds (Default)

[personal profile] gremdark 2025-06-18 06:35 am (UTC)(link)
Partner and I live three minutes away from her mother and three hours from mine, a decision we made, in part, because her mother is generally enjoyable to be around.
Lots between the lines in that second letter!
shreena: (Default)

[personal profile] shreena 2025-06-18 04:23 pm (UTC)(link)
Yeah. Like the dog taking priority over the daughter
frenzy: (Default)

[personal profile] frenzy 2025-06-18 08:08 pm (UTC)(link)
Remind me to never buy a house in NJ so I can avoid LW2 at all costs...
shreena: (Default)

[personal profile] shreena 2025-06-19 06:46 am (UTC)(link)
I don't agree, I would be very hurt if my parent refused to come and visit me because of their dog, dying or not. But everyone's different
shreena: (Default)

[personal profile] shreena 2025-06-19 07:17 am (UTC)(link)
I don't think most people spend 24/7 with their unwell pets so that's always a possibility.

But that's just a values difference which there isn't much point in arguing about - I don't think pets are anything like this important and I would be very hurt if my parent wouldn't visit me indefinitely because of their pet.
Edited 2025-06-19 07:22 (UTC)
shreena: (Default)

[personal profile] shreena 2025-06-19 07:36 am (UTC)(link)
Sure. This community is about sharing our opinions
azurelunatic: Vivid pink Alaskan wild rose. (Default)

[personal profile] azurelunatic 2025-06-20 07:25 am (UTC)(link)
I am also less sympathetic to the idea of someone feeling compelled to stay with a pet who may well be suffering from old age(?) and making it other people's problem, because my partner's ex used the long, drawn-out decline of an elderly pet as an instrument of control over my partner (requiring them to stay up past the time they should have been asleep due to work in the morning, in order to be awake and monitoring the dog, so she could visit with friends; she was not amenable to my partner having friends, much less them visiting friends).

It doesn't sound like LW2's daughter is deeply distraught that LW2 can't visit, it's LW2 who is upset.
lethe1: (squirrel!)

[personal profile] lethe1 2025-06-25 11:15 am (UTC)(link)
+1