Care & Feeding: Wandering Toddler

[minoanmiss]

I Left My 2-Year-Old Alone With My Husband for 15 Minutes. The Aftermath Might Haunt My Marriage Forever.



Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband “Justin” and I have a 4-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son. Last weekend, my husband did something so negligent I’m not sure if I can ever trust him with our kids again.

The weather was finally nice in our area and we were hosting a barbecue in our backyard with about a dozen friends and family members over. At one point, my daughter spilled an entire bowl of chili on herself. I left Justin to watch my son while I took her inside to get cleaned up. About 15 minutes later, I had gotten my daughter’s clothes changed and we were about to return to the backyard when the doorbell rang. I opened up to find a neighbor holding our son. He handed him to me and said he was driving home when he spotted my son wandering around in the street halfway down the block from my house.

Justin’s excuse was that he had given my son a popsicle to eat to keep him busy and left him sitting on one of our lawn chairs while he kept an eye on the grill. I told him that if he wasn’t able to watch him, he should have said so and I would have asked someone else to do it. Even though my husband apologized, I no longer feel comfortable having him watch our kids. Until our kids are several years older, I plan on taking them with me when I need to go somewhere rather than have him watch them. If I am not able to do that, I’m going to send them to my parents’ or have one or both of them come over. Justin says it was an honest mistake on his part and I’m being unfair. I don’t think I am. Our son could have been hit by a car, kidnapped, attacked by a dog, or God knows what else. Right?

—No More Chances

Dear No More Chances,

Advertisement

That must’ve been absolutely heart-stopping. The image of your toddler wandering down the street is terrifying. I’m so relieved your neighbor found him and returned him safely. So many things could have gone wrong! Alhamdulillah, nothing did. I’m honestly shaken just reading about it.

Let me be as clear as possible: What happened was scary, preventable, and totally irresponsible. Your husband made a potentially dangerous mistake. Parking a 2-year-old in a lawn chair and expecting they’d stay put? Come on.

That said, throwing your husband into exile might not be the answer here. Instead of asking whether you can ever trust him again, ask whether this behavior reflects who he is, overall, as a parent. Does he usually keep the kids safe? Is he engaged? Does he understand that parenting can’t be paused? If the answers are yes, then I’d bet this shook him too. Unless this is part of a larger pattern of inattentiveness or dangerous carelessness, I’d argue that this incident, as awful as it was, is a wake-up call.

You’re not wrong to feel like your trust was broken. He absolutely should’ve said no if he couldn’t fully watch Jacob. But I’d also bet he said yes because he wanted to help, not because he didn’t care. That’s not an excuse—it’s just a starting point for a real conversation.

Advertisement

So have that conversation. Sit down and calmly establish some non-negotiables for when either of you is on solo kid duty. Make a plan for chaotic moments like what to do if one kid spills chili on themselves. Be honest about your limits. If you’re juggling too much, say so. And make it clear that this isn’t about blame or punishment. It’s about keeping your kids safe and making sure neither of you ever has to live through that kind of fear again.

Parenting requires vigilance, yes, but it also requires growth. Give him the opportunity to grow from this. He won’t forget this moment. Neither will you. Thankfully, your child is safe. As terrifying wake-up calls go, this one came without lifelong scars or consequences. That’s a gift. Use it.

Comments

[melannen]

I think this is all reasonable as a response in the five minutes after you got your toddler back, yeah. But LW sat down and wrote this out in a letter to an advice column and I have less sympathy for "immediate terror" there.

[dissectionist]

Rumination is an awful thing. The more time you spend ruminating on it, the easier it is to keep the emotions fresh and remain in that immediate-emotions state for hours, days, weeks, or longer. I’m guessing LW has been doing a *lot* of rehashing and rumination on all the things that could have been much, much worse than they were.

[gingicat]

Yes, exactly.

[melannen]

That's true, but I think that falls under "something is very wrong with your marriage" to me. In the five minutes or even six hours after something like this happens, not wanting to leave your husband with your kids ever again is a response even the most well-adjusted person with the best husband might have; if you're still ruminating to this level days later, and if the focus is still your husband rather than how terrifying it is to be a parent generally, then something needs fixed.

[dissectionist]

Definitely agree. This isn’t someone who feels like they’re on the same team; LW feels very alone in this.