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Is it just me or are these parents awful?
Dear Eric: I grew up with highly educated parents, with a strong work ethic. Because of my and my also well-educated and accomplished husband’s many years of hard work, we have been able to provide well for our children. Unfortunately, all of them have had health difficulties from birth, and instead of growing and recovering, they each developed long-term substance abuse. They barely got their high school diplomas and only one has made it through two years of college and wants to give up because she is tired of trying.
Meanwhile, my husband and I have continued to work hard to cover all their needs. We are way past retirement age and have our own health problems. We are exhausted. And very worried about our children who seem incapable and uninterested in supporting themselves.
How on earth are they all going to be able to manage? We feel sure any money they inherit will disappear because they are ignorant of investing, taxes, managing finances, adverse to chores, etc., and refuse to learn. They all used to be smart enough but now they seem so stupid. (We get along and even have laughs but can’t connect on anything serious or important.) We are wondering how we can leave our hard-earned money to them just for them to waste it and continue to decline in the way they already are?
How can we persuade our adult children to go to and complete college and become financially literate (and responsible) despite being older? Two are working at menial jobs and one will be limited in his job prospects, and one is not working at all.
It’s painful to spend time with them because we don’t have any interests or values in common, and they are completely uninterested and ignorant about almost any subject. We are grieving and we are ashamed of our children; their former schoolmates are growing and thriving. Are we asking too much or too little?
– Disappointed Parent
Dear Parent: Persuasion time is over; it’s time to protect your children from themselves and protect your assets from frivolous spending. Talk to an estate lawyer about setting up a trust for your kids. Find out what kind of stipulations you can put on the funds. And then think through what you really need to feel comfortable leaving them money. It may be finishing school, but I encourage you to try to separate your expectations from the reality of your children’s lives and abilities.
You’re experiencing a lot of grief reconciling the lives that you wanted for yourself and your kids with the lives that you have. Some of that grief is coming out in judgment and resentment. Your children are responsible for their actions (or inactions) but they’re not responsible for your resentment. Try to free yourself from some of this by speaking to a counselor about what’s going on. A family therapist will also be helpful.
Additionally, consider Al-Anon or SMART Recovery Family meetings, if you don't already go. Parenting people who struggle with substance abuse can lead to codependent relationships and toxic relationships. Talking to others about what you’re feeling will help you to separate what you can control about your kids’ lives from what you must learn to accept.
Link
Meanwhile, my husband and I have continued to work hard to cover all their needs. We are way past retirement age and have our own health problems. We are exhausted. And very worried about our children who seem incapable and uninterested in supporting themselves.
How on earth are they all going to be able to manage? We feel sure any money they inherit will disappear because they are ignorant of investing, taxes, managing finances, adverse to chores, etc., and refuse to learn. They all used to be smart enough but now they seem so stupid. (We get along and even have laughs but can’t connect on anything serious or important.) We are wondering how we can leave our hard-earned money to them just for them to waste it and continue to decline in the way they already are?
How can we persuade our adult children to go to and complete college and become financially literate (and responsible) despite being older? Two are working at menial jobs and one will be limited in his job prospects, and one is not working at all.
It’s painful to spend time with them because we don’t have any interests or values in common, and they are completely uninterested and ignorant about almost any subject. We are grieving and we are ashamed of our children; their former schoolmates are growing and thriving. Are we asking too much or too little?
– Disappointed Parent
Dear Parent: Persuasion time is over; it’s time to protect your children from themselves and protect your assets from frivolous spending. Talk to an estate lawyer about setting up a trust for your kids. Find out what kind of stipulations you can put on the funds. And then think through what you really need to feel comfortable leaving them money. It may be finishing school, but I encourage you to try to separate your expectations from the reality of your children’s lives and abilities.
You’re experiencing a lot of grief reconciling the lives that you wanted for yourself and your kids with the lives that you have. Some of that grief is coming out in judgment and resentment. Your children are responsible for their actions (or inactions) but they’re not responsible for your resentment. Try to free yourself from some of this by speaking to a counselor about what’s going on. A family therapist will also be helpful.
Additionally, consider Al-Anon or SMART Recovery Family meetings, if you don't already go. Parenting people who struggle with substance abuse can lead to codependent relationships and toxic relationships. Talking to others about what you’re feeling will help you to separate what you can control about your kids’ lives from what you must learn to accept.
Link
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I'm thinking way back to when my dad was clearly experience major mental illness but in the 1950s his parents had no idea what to do or how to help him and were actually ashamed of his condition. His brother was an alcoholic and almost died at least twice that I know of because of drinking so much, and his parents never talked about that either and were quite ashamed.
I think the advice to go to Al Anon and/or get counseling is good advice. But I just have a feeling there is way more to this than what's in the letter. The parents clearly have no idea what is going on with their kids. And it's very possible the kids have given up trying to talk to them about anything important!
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He died a year ago.
They used to say that They Paid in Advance and thank goodness they had a wonderful retirement and traveled a lot and all their dreams came true.
So it turned out good.