Is it just me or are these parents awful?

[conuly]

Dear Eric: I grew up with highly educated parents, with a strong work ethic. Because of my and my also well-educated and accomplished husband’s many years of hard work, we have been able to provide well for our children. Unfortunately, all of them have had health difficulties from birth, and instead of growing and recovering, they each developed long-term substance abuse. They barely got their high school diplomas and only one has made it through two years of college and wants to give up because she is tired of trying.

Meanwhile, my husband and I have continued to work hard to cover all their needs. We are way past retirement age and have our own health problems. We are exhausted. And very worried about our children who seem incapable and uninterested in supporting themselves.

How on earth are they all going to be able to manage? We feel sure any money they inherit will disappear because they are ignorant of investing, taxes, managing finances, adverse to chores, etc., and refuse to learn. They all used to be smart enough but now they seem so stupid. (We get along and even have laughs but can’t connect on anything serious or important.) We are wondering how we can leave our hard-earned money to them just for them to waste it and continue to decline in the way they already are?

How can we persuade our adult children to go to and complete college and become financially literate (and responsible) despite being older? Two are working at menial jobs and one will be limited in his job prospects, and one is not working at all.

It’s painful to spend time with them because we don’t have any interests or values in common, and they are completely uninterested and ignorant about almost any subject. We are grieving and we are ashamed of our children; their former schoolmates are growing and thriving. Are we asking too much or too little?

– Disappointed Parent

Dear Parent: Persuasion time is over; it’s time to protect your children from themselves and protect your assets from frivolous spending. Talk to an estate lawyer about setting up a trust for your kids. Find out what kind of stipulations you can put on the funds. And then think through what you really need to feel comfortable leaving them money. It may be finishing school, but I encourage you to try to separate your expectations from the reality of your children’s lives and abilities.

You’re experiencing a lot of grief reconciling the lives that you wanted for yourself and your kids with the lives that you have. Some of that grief is coming out in judgment and resentment. Your children are responsible for their actions (or inactions) but they’re not responsible for your resentment. Try to free yourself from some of this by speaking to a counselor about what’s going on. A family therapist will also be helpful.

Additionally, consider Al-Anon or SMART Recovery Family meetings, if you don't already go. Parenting people who struggle with substance abuse can lead to codependent relationships and toxic relationships. Talking to others about what you’re feeling will help you to separate what you can control about your kids’ lives from what you must learn to accept.

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Comments

[conuly]

Is LW blaming these kids for not being cured from the vague "health problems from birth"?

Also, like... if your kids have been struggling with these health problems and substance abuse, maybe focus on that instead of accusing them of "being tired of trying" in college?

They all used to be smart enough but now they seem so stupid. (We get along and even have laughs but can’t connect on anything serious or important.)

Yeah, well, I wouldn't want to spend time trying to have a serious or important conversation with LW either.

Anyway, Eric's right - despite the fact that LW sounds terrible, the kids should not just get the money straight out. Have it put in a carefully planned "spendthrift trust".

[princessofgeeks]

Yeah, this seems like the tip of the iceberg.

I'm thinking way back to when my dad was clearly experience major mental illness but in the 1950s his parents had no idea what to do or how to help him and were actually ashamed of his condition. His brother was an alcoholic and almost died at least twice that I know of because of drinking so much, and his parents never talked about that either and were quite ashamed.

I think the advice to go to Al Anon and/or get counseling is good advice. But I just have a feeling there is way more to this than what's in the letter. The parents clearly have no idea what is going on with their kids. And it's very possible the kids have given up trying to talk to them about anything important!

[ashbet]

1) Yes, kids with substance abuse issues should have a trust with a financial manager.

2) If ALL FOUR of their kids are having the same struggles, I'm side-eyeing their parenting. Particularly in light of the "health difficulties since birth" -- are any of those difficulties intellectual or learning disabilities, which might make it harder to follow in their parents' financial/educational footsteps?

3) Gen X and Millennials (I'm guessing that's the age range of the kids, because the parents are past retirement age) face an *extremely* different financial, educational, housing, and employment reality than previous generations, and a lot of older people do NOT get it.

4) LW, you are not hiding your disappointment from your kids as well as you think you are, and that is inevitably going to affect your relationship.

I think that LW would benefit from meeting with a financial/trust advisor, but ALSO a therapist who has expertise in treating parents of kids with various kinds of struggles, because the kids are DEFINITELY aware of the judgment from their parents, and I think that LW and their spouse would benefit from getting a more realistic perspective on what their expectations should be, and how to deal with their feelings about their children's lives not turning out the way they had hoped.

[petrea_mitchell]

I'm wondering what the "menial jobs" two of the kids are working are. Are they crappy jobs for crappy pay, or are they just in non-college-degreed careers that maybe they like and LW doesn't think are appropriate for their class?

who raised these children anyway?

[redbird]

It seems unlikely that the LW and her hushand have no interests or values in common with any of their children, even though the only interests LW mentions are money and formal education. I suspect that what the parents want to talk about is status markers--not "what cool things dod you learn?" or what their children enjoy doing, but grades and that the children aren't in college.

I'm not surprised that children who "have had health problems from birth," and are working menial jobs, are ignorant of investing: what would they be investing with?

[sushiflop]

I am not going to argue that it's impossible for a parent to raise a deadbeat kid (as it were) - but all of them? Every single child that this couple had? Minimum two, implied to be more if I'm reading it right??

If you meet one asshole they might be the problem. If everyone you meet is an asshole, there's a good chance you are the problem.