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Grandma thinks it’s harsh to let 2-year-old cry instead of picking her up
Dear Meghan: My granddaughter is having crying jags with her mom and dad that can last 30 minutes because she wants to be picked up. They are refusing because at preschool, she also wants her teacher to sometimes pick her up, and that’s a problem for the teacher. She’s 2½ and the youngest in her class. I suspect she sometimes wants extra attention from her parents. Is it wrong to pick up a 2-year-old?
Mom works outside the home and is pregnant with baby #2, due in June. My granddaughter sees Mom and Dad for two hours in the evening during the week before bedtime. Dad works from home and is very hands on. He’s following Mom’s lead regarding not picking up his daughter.
I watch her one day a week, and she doesn’t request that I pick her up when I’m there, but I am on the floor playing with her all day, so she has my uninterrupted attention.
How should Mom and Dad deal with their daughter wanting to be picked up? Letting her cry it out for 30 minutes seems harsh for someone her age.
— Crying Toddler
Crying Toddler: One of our great misunderstandings of young children is that their crying and attempts at connection are a form of manipulation; that couldn’t be further from the truth. Young children don’t have the skills to ask for what they need, to wait until a convenient time or to understand the needs of others, and that is not a deficiency.
Not only is the teacher hurting her relationship with her charge, but now the parents are, too. The child may eventually stop crying to be picked up, but the cost of her disquiet is high. We want young children to feel safe and responded to, not to give up and not trust their attachments. Still, you want to resist the urge to lecture or judge the parents, no matter how wrong you think this new tactic is.
The way a young child matures and begins to regularly use their prefrontal cortex is primarily through a warm and loving attachment to a caregiver. In order for a mammal to grow to their fullest maturity, they need to feel safe and that safety must first come from their primary caregiver. So if you refuse to pick up a crying 2-year-old, that 2-year-old will not “learn” to cope; they will learn that if they need their caregiver, their caregiver doesn’t respond. If Mom and Dad ask for your input or appear open to ideas, it could be worth explaining this to them in a loving way.
Am I recommending that the teacher and parents stop everything they are doing and pick up the child every time she cries? No, not necessarily. It is appropriate and understandable that a teacher or parent cannot drop everything and pick up a child, and the goal of caring for a child isn’t to eliminate all suffering. When children feel safe and strongly connected to their caregivers, even 2-year-olds can weather some frustration; it’s good for them.
So rather than choose one extreme or another (never pick her up, always pick her up), I would invite the parents and teachers to look at the patterns around her needs. Is she hungry or tired? Is she overwhelmed by the older kids because the tasks are beyond her developmental skills? Is she scared of something? A 2-year-old isn’t going to be able to articulate much emotionally, but watching her closely will yield some important information that the adults can act on. For instance, if it is time to put on coats and go outside, but the child gets overwhelmed and begins to cry, how can we help her before she cries? What steps could be taken to lower her frustration and help her to feel safe?
Above all, the parents should absolutely be responding to her needs to be held and loved. Again, she is regulating her nervous system with this closeness, not manipulating them. Of course, there will be times when there is nothing to be done and she will cry, but that should be the exception, not the rule. Refusing to pick up a 2-year-old to teach her independence is not only not effective but will cause attachment-related issues down the road that could be much more serious.
Encourage the parents — again, only if they ask for your thoughts — to begin their own learning and to work with the teachers. You should spend as much time with your granddaughter as possible because your attachment is an important part of her life. Good luck.
Mom works outside the home and is pregnant with baby #2, due in June. My granddaughter sees Mom and Dad for two hours in the evening during the week before bedtime. Dad works from home and is very hands on. He’s following Mom’s lead regarding not picking up his daughter.
I watch her one day a week, and she doesn’t request that I pick her up when I’m there, but I am on the floor playing with her all day, so she has my uninterrupted attention.
How should Mom and Dad deal with their daughter wanting to be picked up? Letting her cry it out for 30 minutes seems harsh for someone her age.
— Crying Toddler
Crying Toddler: One of our great misunderstandings of young children is that their crying and attempts at connection are a form of manipulation; that couldn’t be further from the truth. Young children don’t have the skills to ask for what they need, to wait until a convenient time or to understand the needs of others, and that is not a deficiency.
Not only is the teacher hurting her relationship with her charge, but now the parents are, too. The child may eventually stop crying to be picked up, but the cost of her disquiet is high. We want young children to feel safe and responded to, not to give up and not trust their attachments. Still, you want to resist the urge to lecture or judge the parents, no matter how wrong you think this new tactic is.
The way a young child matures and begins to regularly use their prefrontal cortex is primarily through a warm and loving attachment to a caregiver. In order for a mammal to grow to their fullest maturity, they need to feel safe and that safety must first come from their primary caregiver. So if you refuse to pick up a crying 2-year-old, that 2-year-old will not “learn” to cope; they will learn that if they need their caregiver, their caregiver doesn’t respond. If Mom and Dad ask for your input or appear open to ideas, it could be worth explaining this to them in a loving way.
Am I recommending that the teacher and parents stop everything they are doing and pick up the child every time she cries? No, not necessarily. It is appropriate and understandable that a teacher or parent cannot drop everything and pick up a child, and the goal of caring for a child isn’t to eliminate all suffering. When children feel safe and strongly connected to their caregivers, even 2-year-olds can weather some frustration; it’s good for them.
So rather than choose one extreme or another (never pick her up, always pick her up), I would invite the parents and teachers to look at the patterns around her needs. Is she hungry or tired? Is she overwhelmed by the older kids because the tasks are beyond her developmental skills? Is she scared of something? A 2-year-old isn’t going to be able to articulate much emotionally, but watching her closely will yield some important information that the adults can act on. For instance, if it is time to put on coats and go outside, but the child gets overwhelmed and begins to cry, how can we help her before she cries? What steps could be taken to lower her frustration and help her to feel safe?
Above all, the parents should absolutely be responding to her needs to be held and loved. Again, she is regulating her nervous system with this closeness, not manipulating them. Of course, there will be times when there is nothing to be done and she will cry, but that should be the exception, not the rule. Refusing to pick up a 2-year-old to teach her independence is not only not effective but will cause attachment-related issues down the road that could be much more serious.
Encourage the parents — again, only if they ask for your thoughts — to begin their own learning and to work with the teachers. You should spend as much time with your granddaughter as possible because your attachment is an important part of her life. Good luck.
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My feelings about this letter are very different if the child is being held and comforted but not picked up, versus ignoring the crying and not comforting the child.
I don’t think that “picking up” is necessarily required for the emotional health of a child, but being held absolutely is.
It really does sound like this kid’s emotional needs are not being met, and I would love to see someone with some authority (i.e., an expert like a pediatrician, not necessarily Grandma) would advise them that being held is a normal need for a toddler, and that there are ways to meet that without carrying the child around.
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it could also that the school has rules about how teachers can touch children in a non-emergency situation
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