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Daughter-in-law bristles when asked for flight info
Dear Carolyn: When I asked my daughter-in-law about their vacation destination and flight information, she asked why I wanted to know. I said if there was a crash, I would want to know that it wasn’t their flight. She asked why I was wishing their plane to crash. She also said this type of question takes away her agency.
Sharing flight information is common among my mom friends, so I was surprised. She suggested therapy to handle my anxiety.
I am now feeling very unsure about how to relate to her. She seems to make up a version of me that isn’t accurate and then respond as if that was who I am. I want to avoid conflict with her because this relationship is important to my son. How to proceed?
Easiest: Stop asking for flight info. You gain nothing from it. Zero. In the incredibly unlikely event of a crash, having it will be meaningless to the outcome.
Also easy: It took me a second to translate her “agency” point into, “You’re treating us like children,” but she’s right. Albeit very mean about it. If this is just your family’s way and you all share travel info, parents with kids and kids with parents, then ask your son instead.
Harder: You said “crash,” so I’m saying “anxiety.” If you routinely expect others to calm you by doing performative things — i.e., that won’t change outcomes — then take the therapy suggestion seriously. If you’re unsure, then mentally audit whatever you and “my mom friends” ask your adult kids to do, to see whether any keep anyone safer.
Demanding false assurances isn’t just tiresome; it helps you postpone real work on sources of worry.
I sound mean now, too, ugh. But thinking “crash” when you hear “vacation” isn’t the only way to be.
And you lose nothing by quitting a practice that clearly irritates your daughter-in-law. Some adults don’t mind parent figures, but others chafe at it hard. Expect she’s the latter and adjust accordingly. The fewer expectations the better, otherwise. Less disappointment that way.
Readers’ thoughts:
When I first started out professionally, my mom made me do that — until my colleagues and boss looked horrified after I gave my mom all my flight, hotel and cab information (with phone numbers!). Yeah. No agency at all. Whatsoever.
Many years ago, I was leaving a visit with my father to drive 300 miles home. I said, “I’ll call you when we get in.” He said, “Don’t trouble yourself; I’m sure I’ll hear if you don’t make it.”
My sister and I laughed about that for years.
I was leaving my elderly mother’s independent living unit, and she hugged me and said, “Call me when you get home.” I hugged her back and gently said: “I won’t promise to do that. I might not always go straight home. If something goes wrong, [husband] or [sister] will let you know. Meantime, trust that I’ll be fine, and I’ll see you next time.” To her credit, she accepted that.
I left unsaid that when I left there, I was Done With That Visit and returning to other parts of my life, and didn’t want to stay “on the hook” a minute longer. That sounds much, much colder than it was, honestly. Others who have been caregivers will understand.
Re: Flight info: Carolyn, you’re being awfully lenient on the daughter-in-law, who gave a very snarky response to a rather reasonable request.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: When she asks me, then I will counsel her to be kind. I’m advising the person who asked me — that it’s a less reasonable request than she thinks.
Sharing flight information is common among my mom friends, so I was surprised. She suggested therapy to handle my anxiety.
I am now feeling very unsure about how to relate to her. She seems to make up a version of me that isn’t accurate and then respond as if that was who I am. I want to avoid conflict with her because this relationship is important to my son. How to proceed?
Easiest: Stop asking for flight info. You gain nothing from it. Zero. In the incredibly unlikely event of a crash, having it will be meaningless to the outcome.
Also easy: It took me a second to translate her “agency” point into, “You’re treating us like children,” but she’s right. Albeit very mean about it. If this is just your family’s way and you all share travel info, parents with kids and kids with parents, then ask your son instead.
Harder: You said “crash,” so I’m saying “anxiety.” If you routinely expect others to calm you by doing performative things — i.e., that won’t change outcomes — then take the therapy suggestion seriously. If you’re unsure, then mentally audit whatever you and “my mom friends” ask your adult kids to do, to see whether any keep anyone safer.
Demanding false assurances isn’t just tiresome; it helps you postpone real work on sources of worry.
I sound mean now, too, ugh. But thinking “crash” when you hear “vacation” isn’t the only way to be.
And you lose nothing by quitting a practice that clearly irritates your daughter-in-law. Some adults don’t mind parent figures, but others chafe at it hard. Expect she’s the latter and adjust accordingly. The fewer expectations the better, otherwise. Less disappointment that way.
Readers’ thoughts:
When I first started out professionally, my mom made me do that — until my colleagues and boss looked horrified after I gave my mom all my flight, hotel and cab information (with phone numbers!). Yeah. No agency at all. Whatsoever.
Many years ago, I was leaving a visit with my father to drive 300 miles home. I said, “I’ll call you when we get in.” He said, “Don’t trouble yourself; I’m sure I’ll hear if you don’t make it.”
My sister and I laughed about that for years.
I was leaving my elderly mother’s independent living unit, and she hugged me and said, “Call me when you get home.” I hugged her back and gently said: “I won’t promise to do that. I might not always go straight home. If something goes wrong, [husband] or [sister] will let you know. Meantime, trust that I’ll be fine, and I’ll see you next time.” To her credit, she accepted that.
I left unsaid that when I left there, I was Done With That Visit and returning to other parts of my life, and didn’t want to stay “on the hook” a minute longer. That sounds much, much colder than it was, honestly. Others who have been caregivers will understand.
Re: Flight info: Carolyn, you’re being awfully lenient on the daughter-in-law, who gave a very snarky response to a rather reasonable request.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: When she asks me, then I will counsel her to be kind. I’m advising the person who asked me — that it’s a less reasonable request than she thinks.
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But my bigger question is, why is LW asking DIL instead of Son??? (I know the answer. The answer is gendered ideas of who's the social secretary. I just don't like the answer.)
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Also, since I live alone, my mom worries that something could happen to me and no one would know. So when I go on a long drive (say, 4+ hours), I make her feel better by telling her when I leave and when I return. But when I lived with a friend years ago, I didn't do that and it was fine.
But my bigger question is, why is LW asking DIL instead of Son??? (I know the answer. The answer is gendered ideas of who's the social secretary. I just don't like the answer.)
Right???? That was my immediate reaction.
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I guess I'm so used to him being like this that it never occurred to me this could be a vector of control by parents over children. Though now I wonder if he used to give the information to his mom (who was very anxious and controlling) and when she passed I inherited responsibility for Knowing About The Plane Crash.
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But that's also my own mother. I agree the real question is why is she asking her DIL and not her son!
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I don’t reciprocate unless I’m traveling to visit him, though.
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I personally would not be annoyed if a parent asked me for this information, but YMMV. I don't think there's an objective answer to the question "Is asking for this info the same as treating the person like a child," because I think this one example has to be part of a much larger pattern.
My late MIL was a catastrophizer and over many years I quit trying to reassure her and just learned to let her weird fears roll off me because she actually had no power over me at all. She could be a real wet blanket.
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This is exactly what I thought while reading the letter. The DIL's reaction reminds me a lot of myself when people I dislike ask me about private-ish stuff, especially if they sound like they believe they're owed that information
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My parents shared their itinerary the last time they went to visit my brother, but that was because they were 79 and 80 at the time, they were driving, and the round trip was over 2000 miles. I figure they're telling my local-to-them sister their basic travel plans as their emergency contact, and I don't need to know.
The only reason I'd expect my kids' flight info (or, indeed, to be informed that they're travelling at all) would be if they were coming to visit me, or if they're living with me in which case I'm likely their emergency contact. Otherwise, we live in the era of cell phones! I can call or text my kids if there's a plane crash in the news and I think "wait, wasn't Kid going to that city?"
Also, I recommend the "compared to driving across town" metric to LW -- if the chances of getting killed in an activity are lower than the chances of getting killed driving across town, I should make an effort to worry less about Activity.
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If my mom pushes for more detailed information, like what time I plan to leave for the airport, am I sure I have enough money to pay for parking, what will I do if there's a delay, etcetera, that's where I say "I have it handled" and change the subject -- because that's her anxiety talking and honestly it's none of her business. To her credit, she self-corrects when reminded.
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Yes. I was a bit astonished at the number of WaPo comments basically saying "We do this, so there's nothing wrong with what MIL is asking" ... choosing to do something voluntarily != being demanded at.
I think there's more to this than the one incident. Has MIL ever 'coincdentally' shown up in the same place? Does she expect we-got-here texts, and send "omg are you dead" messages if that doesn't happen within 0.5 nanoseconds of the estimated arrival time? Is she helicoptery or overly involved? Is she judgmental about their choices?
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I send my itinary to my family because I want them to know where I am when I go on my big trips. They send it to me when they go away so we have an inkling of where they are when. But also, if they don't send it, nobody is going to panic or get anxious about it.
Sometimes we're more detailed "I'm leaving to go up to visit the stepbrother at X o'clock" because someone need to drop something by or pick something up, feed a pet, or water the garden. There are reasons other than "I'm anxious and worried" (or controlling and demanding).
But also, we live fairly close and in each others' pockets. I'll call mum and drop in for dinner. Mum will ask if I have something that she can drop off at our house.
Maybe if the sistren and I were married with our own families, there'd be more space between us and the parentals, but we're good with it so far as I know, and they're informed but not interfering. (Well, the stepdad might try sometimes, but we push back on him.)
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OTOH, I don’t share this info with my mother, because she is difficult and judgmental, so I can understand bristling at the request, if you feel like there’s going to be a bunch of unwanted commentary.
I do normally send my flight info to my daughter and to anyone I plan on visiting on the trip.
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More to the point, though, most parents teach their kids that "but all my friends are doing it" is not actually an adequate reason to do something, and the ones who remember that when the shoe is on the other foot often find their kids appreciate it.
Also also: your DIL is literally married to your son. So yes, this relationship is important to your son. What a weird thing to say--but it's telling that it's not "this relationship [with DIL] is important to ME."
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......my mother didn't even know I'd gone across the country last September.
(Granted, I don't even let her know I've gotten home after a visit, but still.)
Mister Rat's mother wants to be all up in his business and he has to work hard to not tell her. It's handled, stop it.