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Dear Prudence: My friend got my other friend fired
Link.
Dear Prudence,
I’m in a group chat with some friends where we share cat memes, talk about our workdays and relationships, make plans, etc. We all live in the same area and see each other frequently. In this group are “Samantha” and “Patricia,” who are friendly but not close. I used to be extremely close with Patricia, but we’ve drifted apart in the last couple of years.
Last week, Samantha, a teacher, shared a funny story that included a screenshot from her text conversation with a parent. The student’s first name was visible, but all other identifying information was blacked out. Patricia voiced concern about her sharing this information about the child. Their exchange was very tense. No one else felt Samantha had done anything wrong. Samantha acknowledged she should have edited out the kid’s name and Patricia seemed pacified. Apparently not, though, as Patricia went to Samantha’s principal and shared the screenshot with the principal, saying she was concerned for the student due to Samantha’s indiscretion.
The principal said the screenshots were likely harmless, but a formal complaint was made and had to be dealt with seriously, resulting in an official reprimand to Samantha, a human resources investigation, and a warning that her contract would likely not be renewed. It’s been over a week since this happened, and the gal pals are still incensed and afraid of Patricia’s wrath. They feel Patricia’s actions were self-righteous and overstepping at best (kind of par for the course for her personality), and cruel and vindictive at worst. As the previously closest one to Patricia, I’m the only one still talking to her at all and she very much sees herself as the victim in this situation. She thought she was doing the right thing and now feels she is being treated unfairly. How do I deal with Patricia? I’m about to have my first kid. She has not been there for me lately, and I’m floored she’s behaving this way. She has put me in the middle before with her choices and I have too much of my own stuff going on to deal with this again.
—Not Here for the Martyrdom
Dear Martyrdom,
Regarding the screenshots of the conversation between Samantha and the parent, I find it troubling that Patricia would go to such great lengths to either prove her point or to outright embarrass Samantha. If the screenshots were truly as innocuous as you suggest (and it sounds like they were), a concerned friend would maybe raise the issues of privacy (ideally one-on-one, and certainly not openly in a group chat). A good friend would not escalate the issue without a private conversation held in good faith. That’s kind of the whole point of friendship; you believe in the best of each other, even when there’s a chance that someone’s made a mistake.
But Patricia’s behavior proves that she has little consideration for a friend’s feelings (or employment!) over her own sense of righteousness. Perhaps you happen to have a knack for handling her rigidness, you two share certain values, or maybe you simply haven’t been subjected to her judgment yourself. But I would be very, very careful around this person. If she can behave this way toward Samantha, she will very likely not think twice about doing the same to you, should you act in a way that displeases her. My advice: Be grateful that she’s been a bit distant and hasn’t showed up for you. I’d keep it that way. With a baby on the way, you have a perfect excuse for staying out of the loop on both the inter-group dynamics and Patricia’s particular antics.
Dear Prudence,
I’m in a group chat with some friends where we share cat memes, talk about our workdays and relationships, make plans, etc. We all live in the same area and see each other frequently. In this group are “Samantha” and “Patricia,” who are friendly but not close. I used to be extremely close with Patricia, but we’ve drifted apart in the last couple of years.
Last week, Samantha, a teacher, shared a funny story that included a screenshot from her text conversation with a parent. The student’s first name was visible, but all other identifying information was blacked out. Patricia voiced concern about her sharing this information about the child. Their exchange was very tense. No one else felt Samantha had done anything wrong. Samantha acknowledged she should have edited out the kid’s name and Patricia seemed pacified. Apparently not, though, as Patricia went to Samantha’s principal and shared the screenshot with the principal, saying she was concerned for the student due to Samantha’s indiscretion.
The principal said the screenshots were likely harmless, but a formal complaint was made and had to be dealt with seriously, resulting in an official reprimand to Samantha, a human resources investigation, and a warning that her contract would likely not be renewed. It’s been over a week since this happened, and the gal pals are still incensed and afraid of Patricia’s wrath. They feel Patricia’s actions were self-righteous and overstepping at best (kind of par for the course for her personality), and cruel and vindictive at worst. As the previously closest one to Patricia, I’m the only one still talking to her at all and she very much sees herself as the victim in this situation. She thought she was doing the right thing and now feels she is being treated unfairly. How do I deal with Patricia? I’m about to have my first kid. She has not been there for me lately, and I’m floored she’s behaving this way. She has put me in the middle before with her choices and I have too much of my own stuff going on to deal with this again.
—Not Here for the Martyrdom
Dear Martyrdom,
Regarding the screenshots of the conversation between Samantha and the parent, I find it troubling that Patricia would go to such great lengths to either prove her point or to outright embarrass Samantha. If the screenshots were truly as innocuous as you suggest (and it sounds like they were), a concerned friend would maybe raise the issues of privacy (ideally one-on-one, and certainly not openly in a group chat). A good friend would not escalate the issue without a private conversation held in good faith. That’s kind of the whole point of friendship; you believe in the best of each other, even when there’s a chance that someone’s made a mistake.
But Patricia’s behavior proves that she has little consideration for a friend’s feelings (or employment!) over her own sense of righteousness. Perhaps you happen to have a knack for handling her rigidness, you two share certain values, or maybe you simply haven’t been subjected to her judgment yourself. But I would be very, very careful around this person. If she can behave this way toward Samantha, she will very likely not think twice about doing the same to you, should you act in a way that displeases her. My advice: Be grateful that she’s been a bit distant and hasn’t showed up for you. I’d keep it that way. With a baby on the way, you have a perfect excuse for staying out of the loop on both the inter-group dynamics and Patricia’s particular antics.
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The times and places it is okay to take the risk of getting someone in a role like a teacher fired is:
a) someone caused serious medical harm with their actions;
b) someone caused serious physical harm with their actions;
c) someone is being unrepentantly racist/homophobic/transphobic/misogynist/ableist and won't listen to push back.
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which would have gotten them fired,
and there are still very bitter feelings and people not talking to each other as a result 30 years later.
(The threatened outing was because someone felt that people who were in open relationships and dating two adults shouldn't come to science fiction events. I obviously don't agree.)
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I... did not know that. *horrified face*
I was born in 1976, but I only really started reading fan fiction in 2022.
(I dipped my toes in briefly in 2008 and one of the first stories I encountered - which was not tagged/warned for in any way - horrified me so much that I didn't come back again until Our Flag Means Death enticed me in in 2022.)
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…Are we talking about the genre that includes Robert Heinlein, Ursula K. LeGuin, Theodore Sturgeon, and Philip José Farmer?
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If adult A is married to adult B, and adult A is also sleeping with adult C, with the full knowledge and consent of adult B (and also the full knowledge and consent of adult D, who is married to adult C)
how the hell is it anyone else's business, as long as the sex is happening behind closed doors?
The person who threatened the outing was like "I don't ever want adults A, B, C, D at any fannish events"
and it's like
"You know adults, A/B/C/D behave in a strictly G-rated way at any fannish events, right?"
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while I do try to protect the identity of those I mention in my journal, and the student's name probably should have been blacked out, unless it's massively unique, I honestly don't see a major harm, certainly nothing calling for Patricia's actions.
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It was an innocuous communication shared in a small, “safe” group. Samantha admitted she was wrong and will be more careful to not do it in the future. But Patricia went to the principal and said she was worried about the student?! Like, one of the ladies in their little group chat was going to go up to the kid publicly and point and say, “Ha ha! Your parent writes dumb texts to your teacher!” Like, wtf, Patricia…
Prudence is absolutely right that Patricia’s judgey eyes will turn on LW sooner or later. Best to let her take herself out of LW’s life.
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Here’s an alternative hypothesis: this wasn’t a one-off, this woman has been chided for gossiping about students before and that is why her contract isn’t being renewed. And she’s been shaping the truth a little with her friends about the topic.
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