Dear Prudence: Making Friends Of Neighbors

[minoanmiss]

I (30, they/them) live in a small city that tends to lean pretty conservative, whereas my household is definitely not.

Since moving into a house a few years ago, I had dreams of becoming friends (or at least being friendly, in a way that can build community for sharing resources, helping each other out, etc.) with my new neighbors … but that was quickly dashed when I realized most people directly around me are the types that either really keep to themselves or are full-blown, far-right, racist conspiracy theorists. I basically gave up on trying to go out of my way to connect with anyone around us, but over the past couple of years, I started noticing a few houses around us have yard signs indicating that the people living there are, at the very least, fairly liberal. It made me want to reach out to those people, with the hopes it would turn out better than previous attempts to meet neighbors. Easy enough, right?

The problem is, I’m not sure how best to do this! Some complicating factors include: I’m agender and use they/them pronouns, which many people struggle with/are put off by, and our household is still taking COVID seriously, so we wouldn’t be up for unmasked meetings or people randomly showing up at our door. My first instinct was to write them a letter (since we obviously would know the address) and introduce ourselves that way and include phone numbers/emails for contact, but I’m not sure what to include or if that would be weird. If I send a letter, what would I say? Should I mention why I chose them to reach out to? Do I include our pronouns? Do I mention we are still adhering to COVID precautions and wouldn’t want people showing up unannounced? And if not a letter, what would be a better option? I’m not sure what is considered “normal” for meeting neighbors, because I grew up almost exclusively in apartments, and that always felt different since we’d mostly just meet people in passing in the hallways.

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I know I’m overthinking this all, but I would love your opinion, thoughts, scripts, or anything else you’ve got!

— To Write or Not to Write

Dear To Write,

You’re not overthinking, but I think you’re possibly over-expecting. You absolutely deserve friendships with people who you like, who like you back, who have good politics, who have good vibes, who know it’s no big deal to use your correct pronouns and respect whatever you need to do avoid getting COVID. But to make it a goal to find these friendships in people who live in specific homes in your neighborhood is to set yourself up for disappointment.

Just imagine it: “Hello I don’t know you but I like your sign and assume it reflects your politics (at least I hope so!) and would like to be friends. My pronouns are they/them and I’m avoiding COVID so I hope you’re not put off but please don’t show up unannounced or expect me to hang out indoors. Looking forward to connecting and getting to know each other — Your neighbor.” This could very well start a beautiful relationship, but it might also feel a bit … intense.

You should disentangle your desire to meet close, local friends who are compatible with you and share your values from your desire to know your neighbors. When it comes to the people who share your worldview and live nearby, just make it a goal to meet them. Start there. To make a connection, find something that might begin to weed out people who would have a fit over saying “they” or wearing a mask. This is what NextDoor was made for (though please note it can often also be a racist cesspool). How about a post asking for help with an effort that could attract people who tend to be compassionate and progressive? Maybe you could gather a group to support a local political candidate who aligns with your values. Or ask for donations for a shelter for LGBTQ youth, or asylum-seekers.

Then, you know how it goes—see if you end up in a really good conversation with someone who’s dropping off a load of socks and toiletries. Exchange numbers. Arrange a coffee. Or invite a few people over for a cookout. If somewhere along the way they tell you COVID is just a flu or they can’t seem to stop calling you by the wrong pronoun, you can pull back, but you won’t have wasted your time.

Comments

[magid]

What about the semi-traditional bringing over baked goods when you know they're home? Can wear a mask and stand outside, introduce themselves with their pronouns, and see if anything develops?

(Also not perfect, but at least not as scattershot as joining a website and avoiding those with Those Opinions....)

[ambyr]

Organizing a neighborhood trash pick-up, setting up a rota of people willing to help elderly or disabled neighbors with their yard work or snow clearing, or recruiting participants for a joint yard sale are all classic neighborhood bonding techniques for a reason, and it's wild to me that the columnist suggested none of them.

[mrissa]

The two comments I can see so far are absolutely correct. Also hosting a block party is a classic that requires zero adjustment for Covid times. Yes, some of these things might get you in contact with neighbors in addition to the ones who have signs you like, but you'll sort yourselves out fairly quickly--the sole bewildered conservatives (still never-Trumpers) across the street from us wave and smile at everyone else, but they don't stop to talk at the mailbox with anybody. The rest of us have figured things out and will talk to each other about neighbor emergencies, plan who's bringing a salad and who's bringing bars and etc.

[conuly]

1. Has LW considered putting up their own lawn sign?

2. Or getting a dog? I talk to all my neighbors when I walk my dog. If LW doesn't want to get a dog, LW might consider "taking a twice daily walk". Then when walking by those houses LW can drop a casual "Hey! Love your sign!" or whatever if they happen to see those people in the yard. Do that enough times and you can segue into a quick chat about their forsythia or whatever. (Pro tip: forsythia can survive being trimmed almost to the ground, and is definitely happier if you do that occasionally rather than trying to get it into a box shape. I don't know why people keep trying shapes on forsythia, you just end up with a mass of dead twigs and a few resentful leaves.)

[elf]

I am not happy with the response of "why would you want to make friends with your neighbors?" with the apparent sub-message of "Your real friends aren't likely to live nearby." Also annoyed by "hey have you tried this app? Which might be horribly racist, but I can't actually recommend starting by talking with your neighbors."

LW could try a letter that contained substantially less info than they threw at the online advice columnist. "Hi I'm local and I like your yard sign; I was hoping to find a shopping buddy for [upcoming holiday/family birthday]; would you like to meet up for a low-stress wander-through-stores and maybe get coffee?"

And if they turn out to be less compatible than hoped, LW has an unpleasant shopping trip and never has to speak to them again.

[matsushima]

I think your version of the letter is perfect, honestly. LW could invite their neighbor out shopping or to a local event or… anything, really. After all, their neighbor did put up that sign to an express something to their community, right?

[melannen]

100%

The idea that you have to be so picky about your friends that you can't possibly expect to be friends with your neighbors is, quite honestly, deadly.

That said, the way to make friends is not to dump a bunch of requirements on people you've never met as prerequisites for talking. LW, say hello. That's a start.