Dear Abby: Parents Grin and Bear the Bill for Man's Upscale Appetite

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: Our son-in-law, "Brody," has a very different lifestyle than ours and the one in which we raised our daughter. I pointed it out to her while they were dating, and she was not pleased. I decided to say no more and try to accept him as best as possible, although I admit my husband has been better at it than I have.

One thing that continues to bother us is that whenever we invite them out for dinner, Brody will order the most expensive thing on the menu. He also has a couple of drinks, upgrades his salad and orders dessert. By the time he's done, the cost of his meal is double that of everyone else's.

Although we can afford it, we feel this is bad manners. I'm not sure if he's trying to take advantage of us or if he just thinks he is entitled. Our daughter thinks he's wonderful and doesn't seem to mind that he does this. I worry that it may reflect badly on her when they are out with others. Is this acceptable? Do we grin and bear it? Or should we say something and, if so, what do we say? -- PAYING DEARLY IN MONTANA

DEAR PAYING: If you bring the subject up, I can almost guarantee that what you say will not be well received. What your son-in-law is doing is "acceptable" in light of the fact that you say you can afford it. If you couldn't, I assume those dinner invitations would be few and far between, and you would have had to explain the reason to your daughter. When they dine out with contemporaries, presumably the bill is split between the couples. If that isn't the case, it probably wouldn't happen twice because the other couple would likely request separate checks.

Comments

[shirou]

I could be this son-in law. I was lucky to be born to a family that can afford to regularly go to expensive restaurants, and I tend to order steak or lamb because I can't eat seafood (allergies) and see chicken as rather too boring for a dinner out. Ordering a couple drinks and a dessert seems perfectly ordinary, and the idea that it would occasion comment surprises me. Dinner at home includes a couple glasses of wine, so why would dinner at a restaurant be any different? Unless the son-in-law is ordering expensive bottles of wine or single-malt scotches for himself, his behavior strikes me as altogether normal.

Ordering dessert when nobody else does is the one thing that might be rude, not because of the cost difference, but because everyone else will have to wait while the son-in-law eats it.

From this perspective, I disagree completely with Abby's advice that if the LW's parents bring it up, it would not be well received. I guess it depends on how it was brought up. In the son-in-law's place, if the LW told me in an accusatory way that my behavior was inappropriate for violating a rule I hadn't been told, I might not take it well. But if I was gently told that they normally limit their spending when dining out and would prefer I not order drinks/steak/whatever, I'd be fine with that. I'd probably wonder why they didn't tell me sooner.

In fact, what bothers me most about this letter is that the LW makes clear that this is a pattern and she has said nothing. I hate it when people expect others to infer things instead of just saying them aloud.

I'm from a Euro-American family, fairly recently immigrated, and while my parents never got drunk that I could see, wine was part of daily life. Now I constantly watch people around me to see how my moderate but regular drinking will be received, not because I'm worried about the price of the wine, but because some people are teetotalers with ideas about alcohol that I find bizarre. In the son-in-laws place, I'd probably feel relieved that my in-laws seemed okay with my drinking, despite not drinking themselves -- because they hadn't said anything! -- without once thinking about cost.

As an irrelevant aside, despite a privileged upbringing, I have no idea what it means to upgrade a salad.

[jadelennox]

I absolutely agree that this could just be different sets of cultural mores, and the LW is angry because they assume their unspoken mores are universal.

I'm not saying the SiL isn't being a thoughtless creep -- we've all known that person -- but it's not reasonable to assume he is. (Except, as you said, I do think it's a relatively universal courtesy not to order dessert if you're the only one, just because then people are watching you eat dessert.)

More over, the daughter and SiL are adults. The parents don't need to pay for their meals. Here are some reasonable scripts for them:

• "Daughter, would you and SiL like to come over to our house for dinner?"
• "Daughter, you Other Parent and I love going out with you and SiL, but we realized we've been infantilizing you by always paying for your dinner! We're sorry, but we're so used to thinking of you as our baby girl and not the Excutive Widget Designer you've become. Shall we go out to Kitten Chops House of Klaus on thursday and split the check?"
• "Daughter, can we take you out to Taco Bell this weekend?"
• "Daughter, we always take you to our favorite restaurant! Why don't you take us to yours sometime?"

In general, if you keep giving an open ended blank check gift, and the recipient always cashes it for more than you want them to, the solution is to stop giving a blank check gift. Put constraints on it or stop giving it, instead of seething in resentment.

[eleanorjane]

I assume upgrading a salad is "yes, I will have the optional chicken in my side Caesar salad for an extra three dollars please" and the like.

[rosefox]

The reason you have no idea what it means to upgrade a salad is that you had a privileged upbringing; it's not really a thing that happens at fancier restaurants. Honestly, if they're eating at the sort of place where salads have upgrades, the prices can't be terribly high and their stress over this seems disproportionate. I'm guessing the LW feels embarrassed about being less wealthy than Brody and his family, and is trying to deal with that by making it about Brody's manners.

[shreena]

It's interesting that you mention the cultural aspect.

I'm British and, until I started reading American messageboards, I had never heard of the idea that you should consciously order less expensive food/drink when people are treating you. Of course, going crazy just because you're not paying is obnoxious but the idea that it's rude to order as you usually would is really odd to me.