agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My brother settled a lawsuit, netting him around $300,000 in a lump sum plus additional monthly payments for life. Out of the blue, he gifted me $5,000 from his settlement. Subsequently, we had a falling out, leading me to not attend his daughter’s wedding. His wife then texted me that they would prefer that I return their gift. I would be more comfortable burning the money than returning it. I do not foresee a reconciliation with my brother. Is there a moral argument in favor of me returning the gift?

—Hanging By Attached String

Dear Hanging,

In my book, a gift is a gift. You can’t place strings like this on a gift. If the family is upset because you, I don’t know, sabotaged the wedding with a swarm of killer bees, that might be a different story. But assuming that’s not the case, keep the money. It’s unfortunate that the two of you have had a falling out. If you feel you’ve done something terribly wrong, giving him the money back might be a good faith gesture. But it’s unlikely that a few thousand dollars will stand in the way of the two of you ever speaking again, if there is any chance of that happening.

Send a firm but polite response to his wife with something like, “I hope we can put this all behind us someday, but this was a gift, and I intend to keep it.” If that feels uncomfortable or you’re worried about them pushing the issue, you could tell them the money has already been put to use, and leave it at that. Whatever you do, don’t burn that money. And, hopefully, you won’t burn a permanent bridge with your brother, either.

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That must be some falling out!

But, yeah, gifts are gifts and there are no takebacks. And even if we disregard that principle for some reason, the appropriate person to ask LW for the $5k to be returned is surely Brother, not SIL.

If LW doesn't intend to return the money or ever mend fences with Brother, then LW should let their silence speak for itself. Responding to this request would only invite more communication.

100%, answering is inviting a fight. If you think it's over, block them and be done.

Even if LW is 100% at fault and was a great big jerk, one of the things adults have to accept is that sometimes we extend kindness and even generosity to people who later turn out to be jerks. Sad but true.

we had a falling out, leading me to not attend his daughter’s wedding. His wife then texted me that they would prefer that I return their gift.

Did Brother expect LW to attend the wedding despite the fallout? That almost sounds like a quid pro quo to me. Gifts are not supposed to be contingent on anything.

$5,000 is 1.7% of the money from the $300k settlement which is a fact that just kinda tickles me. It makes the ask seem much more symbolic than grounded in need, and that does make a difference for me…

A more than 300k settlement - Brother will keep getting payments.

And I agree. It’s not exactly like asking for your $5 back after getting a $300 bonus, but it’s not not like that either.

Yuuuup re: continued payments, lol.

Not that there aren't expenses that could slurp up $300k an have room for more - certain medical bills, for example. But I completely believe in the pettiness of some people to ask for that 1.7% of the money back because they're that mad.

Okay, maybe if the LW wasn't originally going to go to the wedding, citing expense/lost income, so the brother said "look, here's $5k, now you can afford to come, you don't even need to pay it back, it's a gift, now show up" ... and then the LW doesn't show up ... I can kinda see them asking for it back in that case. (And it makes mentioning not showing up relevant to the letter.) Otherwise ... probably not.

As for relative values ... a settlement for $300k plus ongoing payments could easily be something like repaying medical expenses and compensating for ongoing lost income. It doesn't inherently mean brother's a rich guy now.