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One column, two letters
Dear Prudence
1. Dear Prudence,
After my son turned 18 last year, I really hoped that the financial abuse my ex put me through would end. Despite being divorced for a decade, my ex would constantly call and try to weasel more money out of me to pay her outrageous expenses (she liked living the high life) and then use the kids if she didn’t get it. It was always Dad’s fault if they were not going to Disneyland. My daughter wised up to her mother’s ways and rarely has anything to do with her.
My son, however, got better at lying to me. I bought my son a car on the condition he paid for the insurance and didn’t let anyone else drive it—especially his mom. She had something like six wrecks in the last three years and lost her license. My son swore that it wouldn’t happened. Then he called me begging to get the car out of police impound. His mother got caught speeding and had enough warrants that she was immediately arrested. I told my son no. The immediate consequences of his lying was he was going to have to figure out to pay for the car himself or deal with hoofing it everywhere. He told me he has no savings after bailing out his mom from jail. He couldn’t just leave her there. I told him that was his choice to make and his consequences to deal with. Instead, he screamed about what a horrible parent I was and how he never wanted to talk to me again.
I would have left it at that but he went around to other family members, including my disabled mother, to get the money. Now there is family pressure for me to cover the debt instead.I feel like I am banging my head against the wall. This is exactly the same kind of stunt my ex pulled back in the day. I love my son but I can’t deal with this again and again like before. Help!
—Repeat Past
Dear Repeat Past,
Your son and his mother are both adults, and it’s time for them to deal with the consequences of their actions. I think it’s well within your rights to refuse any further financial assistance to either of them for the foreseeable future. Whatever is going on in their relationship sounds like a death spiral of chaos that you absolutely don’t need to be a part of. Tell any judgmental family members that you’re letting two adults handle their lives as they see fit, and that it’s no longer your job to interfere — and that none of them should feel obligated to pick up the bill either.
***********
2. Dear Prudence,
I’m the youngest of three, and have struggled to get my family to show up for me. I understand that my events aren’t as interesting, but I resented being dragged to all of their events, knowing I’d never get reciprocity. I got married when I was 33, and that was the first time my entire family showed up to an event of mine.
When my brother had the first grandkids, they were all my parents could focus on. My mother flew halfway across the country to help my brother and sister-in-law every weekend for the first six months. My parents continued to make the even longer journey when my brother moved two additional time zones away. When I had kids, my parents were older and uninterested in traveling. I received zero support, and they’ve met my kids about three times in total. Both of my siblings have met my kids once. (My youngest is 8.) Initially, my husband and I would fly home, but it was a lot of effort only for my parents to turn on the TV and divide their attention between us. Our presence seemed to annoy them so I quit visiting. My husband and I didn’t want to waste more money trying the same thing with my siblings so we never attempted to visit them.
My sister announced she was pregnant. I assumed that since she would be the last child to reproduce she would get the same short end of the stick that I got. Nope! My mom is flying out to see her before she gives birth. I get to witness her rush of excitement over the upcoming grandchild. She’s attending my sister’s baby shower despite not attending mine! I will not be attending because I’m too busy. I’m following my therapist’s advice to only show up for people who show up for me or when I really want to. Well, much like my family members all these years with my events, I don’t want to show up, and I don’t want to make the time.
In a twisted turn of events, my mom and sister (not my dad and brother) have now decided they’re interested in my life. They went from zero to 100 after I explained why I’d been so absent. Now they’re all supportive, and their schedules magically opened up. Not only do my mom and sister want to visit me, but they want to help after my husband recovers from major surgery next month. What? I don’t have the mental capacity to determine whether this new interest is sincere or an attempt to save face, but all of their behavior is ironically off-putting. I would have appreciated such grand gestures 30 years ago, but I mourned the family I never had and got over it. Besides, my in-laws and neighbors already stepped into those “village” roles, and I’m not interested in rejiggering things to cater to people who just woke up to the fact they haven’t treated me well. Plus I don’t trust them because they’ve flaked in the past.
I’ve sat with my mom’s and sister’s change in behavior for a while, and I’m sorry to say that I still feel nothing. Was it years of selfish behavior and indifference? I don’t know. But how do I deal with their new-found insistence that they come visit me and help? I just want them to … go away.
—It’s Too Late
Dear Too Late,
That’s quite an about-face from your family, and I don’t blame you for feeling resentful (or even distrustful) about it. I think you can be diplomatic to your family about how you don’t need the help that they’re offering because there’ll be “too many cooks in the kitchen,” that you “already have a system in place”, or that you’re simply not feeling up to being a good host.
I can understand the desire to hold your family at arm’s length given their track record, but I also wonder if their desire to change their behavior should still be taken as an opportunity (however belated) to reconnect, if there’s any part of you that still wants that. If not, then feel free to stop reading right now. But if there’s even a tiny part that does, I would suggest experimenting with giving your family members small, low-lift “jobs” to do (i.e. if you don’t want them to visit during your husband’s surgery, could you suggest they send a care package instead?) in order to feel helpful.
Because the annoying and deeply frustrating thing about families (especially parents) is that, as much as we want everyone to treat all members the same, people tend to subconsciously or very consciously favor the members whom they best understand and whom they can feel their most heroic, appreciated selves around. I’m not saying that as a way of excusing your parents’ favoritism, but to give you the cheat code for how most misguided parents operate: They want to feel appreciated, and if they don’t know what your deal is or even remotely like they’re not needed, they’re going to get defensive or back away. It might help to think of them as toddlers trying to “cook” Mom and Dad a breakfast in bed, and making a huge mess of the kitchen. It’s not really what you want or need, but they’re trying, aren’t they?
1. Dear Prudence,
After my son turned 18 last year, I really hoped that the financial abuse my ex put me through would end. Despite being divorced for a decade, my ex would constantly call and try to weasel more money out of me to pay her outrageous expenses (she liked living the high life) and then use the kids if she didn’t get it. It was always Dad’s fault if they were not going to Disneyland. My daughter wised up to her mother’s ways and rarely has anything to do with her.
My son, however, got better at lying to me. I bought my son a car on the condition he paid for the insurance and didn’t let anyone else drive it—especially his mom. She had something like six wrecks in the last three years and lost her license. My son swore that it wouldn’t happened. Then he called me begging to get the car out of police impound. His mother got caught speeding and had enough warrants that she was immediately arrested. I told my son no. The immediate consequences of his lying was he was going to have to figure out to pay for the car himself or deal with hoofing it everywhere. He told me he has no savings after bailing out his mom from jail. He couldn’t just leave her there. I told him that was his choice to make and his consequences to deal with. Instead, he screamed about what a horrible parent I was and how he never wanted to talk to me again.
I would have left it at that but he went around to other family members, including my disabled mother, to get the money. Now there is family pressure for me to cover the debt instead.I feel like I am banging my head against the wall. This is exactly the same kind of stunt my ex pulled back in the day. I love my son but I can’t deal with this again and again like before. Help!
—Repeat Past
Dear Repeat Past,
Your son and his mother are both adults, and it’s time for them to deal with the consequences of their actions. I think it’s well within your rights to refuse any further financial assistance to either of them for the foreseeable future. Whatever is going on in their relationship sounds like a death spiral of chaos that you absolutely don’t need to be a part of. Tell any judgmental family members that you’re letting two adults handle their lives as they see fit, and that it’s no longer your job to interfere — and that none of them should feel obligated to pick up the bill either.
2. Dear Prudence,
I’m the youngest of three, and have struggled to get my family to show up for me. I understand that my events aren’t as interesting, but I resented being dragged to all of their events, knowing I’d never get reciprocity. I got married when I was 33, and that was the first time my entire family showed up to an event of mine.
When my brother had the first grandkids, they were all my parents could focus on. My mother flew halfway across the country to help my brother and sister-in-law every weekend for the first six months. My parents continued to make the even longer journey when my brother moved two additional time zones away. When I had kids, my parents were older and uninterested in traveling. I received zero support, and they’ve met my kids about three times in total. Both of my siblings have met my kids once. (My youngest is 8.) Initially, my husband and I would fly home, but it was a lot of effort only for my parents to turn on the TV and divide their attention between us. Our presence seemed to annoy them so I quit visiting. My husband and I didn’t want to waste more money trying the same thing with my siblings so we never attempted to visit them.
My sister announced she was pregnant. I assumed that since she would be the last child to reproduce she would get the same short end of the stick that I got. Nope! My mom is flying out to see her before she gives birth. I get to witness her rush of excitement over the upcoming grandchild. She’s attending my sister’s baby shower despite not attending mine! I will not be attending because I’m too busy. I’m following my therapist’s advice to only show up for people who show up for me or when I really want to. Well, much like my family members all these years with my events, I don’t want to show up, and I don’t want to make the time.
In a twisted turn of events, my mom and sister (not my dad and brother) have now decided they’re interested in my life. They went from zero to 100 after I explained why I’d been so absent. Now they’re all supportive, and their schedules magically opened up. Not only do my mom and sister want to visit me, but they want to help after my husband recovers from major surgery next month. What? I don’t have the mental capacity to determine whether this new interest is sincere or an attempt to save face, but all of their behavior is ironically off-putting. I would have appreciated such grand gestures 30 years ago, but I mourned the family I never had and got over it. Besides, my in-laws and neighbors already stepped into those “village” roles, and I’m not interested in rejiggering things to cater to people who just woke up to the fact they haven’t treated me well. Plus I don’t trust them because they’ve flaked in the past.
I’ve sat with my mom’s and sister’s change in behavior for a while, and I’m sorry to say that I still feel nothing. Was it years of selfish behavior and indifference? I don’t know. But how do I deal with their new-found insistence that they come visit me and help? I just want them to … go away.
—It’s Too Late
Dear Too Late,
That’s quite an about-face from your family, and I don’t blame you for feeling resentful (or even distrustful) about it. I think you can be diplomatic to your family about how you don’t need the help that they’re offering because there’ll be “too many cooks in the kitchen,” that you “already have a system in place”, or that you’re simply not feeling up to being a good host.
I can understand the desire to hold your family at arm’s length given their track record, but I also wonder if their desire to change their behavior should still be taken as an opportunity (however belated) to reconnect, if there’s any part of you that still wants that. If not, then feel free to stop reading right now. But if there’s even a tiny part that does, I would suggest experimenting with giving your family members small, low-lift “jobs” to do (i.e. if you don’t want them to visit during your husband’s surgery, could you suggest they send a care package instead?) in order to feel helpful.
Because the annoying and deeply frustrating thing about families (especially parents) is that, as much as we want everyone to treat all members the same, people tend to subconsciously or very consciously favor the members whom they best understand and whom they can feel their most heroic, appreciated selves around. I’m not saying that as a way of excusing your parents’ favoritism, but to give you the cheat code for how most misguided parents operate: They want to feel appreciated, and if they don’t know what your deal is or even remotely like they’re not needed, they’re going to get defensive or back away. It might help to think of them as toddlers trying to “cook” Mom and Dad a breakfast in bed, and making a huge mess of the kitchen. It’s not really what you want or need, but they’re trying, aren’t they?
no subject