Ask a Manager: My Coworker Won't Use Women's Names

[minoanmiss]

This is a weird low-stakes thing. I work in a small government office and we have a guy working here who’s been here for over 40 years and is within a year or two of retiring.


I like him well enough, but I’ve noticed he almost never calls women by their names. Any woman he speaks to, he addresses as just “you,” and if he’s talking about a woman who’s not in the room, he just says “her.” There are more women working here than men, and he always uses the men’s names or at least their surnames.

It makes it very confusing when I have no idea which “her” he means. I’m “her,” my closest colleague is “her,” our big boss is “her.”

I have no idea if he’s doing it deliberately/maliciously or if he just genuinely can’t remember any of our names, and thus no idea if I should be outraged or trying to do anything about it. If I prompt him, he usually will clarify who he’s talking about, after a bit of hesitation, and he’s not particularly sexist or anything beyond this. Is this just a weird quirk I should continue to be mildly amused and perplexed by, or should I be taking a more active stance in getting him to use women’s names?

Why not just ask him about it? “I’ve noticed you never refer to women by their names although you use men’s names. How come?”

And then maybe: “It’s really hard to know who you’re talking about when you don’t use names. Can you please use our names just like you do with men?”

Who knows why he’s doing this. Maybe he’s uncomfortable with women, maybe he sees us all as a generic block with no individuality, maybe he’s taking a stand against women being at work. I don’t know, but it’s weird and troubling and it doesn’t belong at work. You should feel free to call him out on it every time, which will make him look even weirder if he insists on continuing.

You might also point it out to your boss. I’m guessing she’s noticed, but saying it out loud might nudge her to address it herself.

Comments

[topaz_eyes]

it’s weird and troubling and it doesn’t belong at work

Even more, it's disrespectful and it does need to stop.

But imho LW should point this out to her boss first, before trying to call out the male employee. If it has gone on awhile, the boss or HR might already have discussed it in the past with him. The boss may be able to give LW some advice, or address the issue with him. LW says, If I prompt him, he usually will clarify who he’s talking about, after a bit of hesitation, and he’s not particularly sexist or anything beyond this. It may be a cultural thing, but he still has to interact with his female colleagues in a professional manner while at work.

[purlewe]

I wonder if he is face blind? It might not make sense if he knows the male names. But he might lump people into male and female in his mind and if there are fewer men he has been able to figure something out. He should be able to apply jt to everyone equally.

[matsushima]

I doubt it's face blindness. LW doesn't say he doesn't use anyone's names or only uses the names of a handful of coworkers he's known for a long time. You'd think he could at least remember his boss's name!

[magid]

Plus you'd think face blindness would be less difficult if the female coworkers have a greater variety of hairstyles, for instance, which can change infrequently.

(Also, as someone who is a little bit faceblind, it's much easier to distinguish people who you know quite well. And voices help a lot.)

[watersword]

I know government workers in the US have bigger problems right now, but I yearn for an update to this one.

[green_grrl]

Saaaaaame!

[watersword]

It's just so WEIRD.

[firecat]

My bet is that he’s doing it because he has “Ms” anxiety

[cereta]

The one and only time I took a student out into the hall to smack them down for their behavior was a male student who insisted on calling me, "Mrs." To be clear, not "Mrs. {Name}," which would have been rude enough given that I had explicitly asked the class (and reminded this student repeatedly) that I was "Dr." or "Prof." Just "Mrs." I can't say I've never felt more disrespected, because I have, but after two months of it, I was pretty well done.