Ask Amy: Friend wonders about racist pals

[minoanmiss]

Q. I have two friends I’ve been extremely close to over the past 10-15 years. These two don’t know each other, but each has been an important part of my life — though they are not my only close friends.

Based on comments made over the years, I’ve suspected that these two people are racists, but only recently have they overtly — almost proudly — declared it, and now I can no longer step over something I’ve tried to ignore.

While I completely disagree with them, I don’t believe I could change their minds; they seem to feel completely justified in their views.

I believe racism is abhorrent and cannot conceive of any justification for it. I am struggling with how I could possibly stay friends with them and not feel like a hypocrite. I’m feeling sad at the thought of ending these friendships, yet I already feel myself pulling back.

Does a true friend consider racism a character flaw and accept them as they are, or have I outgrown these relationships?

A. Yes, loved ones can sometimes learn to accept and forgive character flaws. But what you’re talking about doesn’t fall under the “character flaw” category.

Racism is a choice, and a racist person has many opportunities to learn, reflect, and change their mind.

You describe yourself as “antiracist.” An antiracist has an ethical duty to try to engage with racist people and institutions in order to inspire this kind of change.

The Smithsonian National Museum of African American History and Culture has published a guide about how to incorporate antiracist ideals into your own life. They suggest: Seek clarity: “Tell me more about ____.” Offer an alternative perspective: “Have you ever considered ____.” Speak your truth: “I don’t see it the way you do. I see it as _____.” Find common ground: “We don’t agree on _____ but we can agree on _____.” Give yourself the time and space you need: “Could we revisit this conversation about ____ tomorrow.” Set boundaries: “Please do not say _____ again to me or around me.”

In order to live your ideals, it would involve you continuing to communicate with these racist friends.

I might put this effort into the category of “life’s too short,” but the final decision will be up to you.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

I posted this for two reasons. 1) This is about to become very topical in the United States where a lot of people will become emboldened to be vocally racist and sexist, on top of how many were in 2016, for the same spraytanneed reason.

2) LW, in my expereince: tell them off, cut your losses, and walk away. I can tell you what's going to happen.

1) If you are the same race they are, and/or if you are White, they will regard you as a race traitor for not agreeing with them that other people are beneath you.

2) If you are not the same race they are, especially if you are the race they're despising I doubt this since you even wonder if racism is merely a character flaw to be endured but I am not omnipotent just old they will cast you from the group of "one of the good ones" and break your heart.

Ask me how I know.

[conuly]

Outreach doesn’t work if you just pussyfoot around the problem. If you’re listening to their racism and not pushing back, the racists will decide this is because you agree with them.

LW has two choices. They can confront these people in some way that might cause them to learn a thing, or they can cut ties. But spending over a decade enabling them? That’s not one of the good choices!

[kiezh]

"Can I continue blithely ignoring that people I have actively chosen to be close to for many years are bigots who think that other human beings are beneath them and deserve to suffer?"

No.

Why were you ignoring that in the first place, LW? You clearly don't believe racism is "abhorrent" - you believe that *talking about racism* is in bad taste (which is why you never challenged them on the topic, I suspect), but as long as they just live their contempt and hatred for others mostly out of your sight and hearing, it's just a quirk you can overlook.

Look, many of us have suffered the conflicts of dealing with beloved family members who are raging bigots. The reason this is a conflict is because we got that love deeply ingrained as children, and then later understood that they had terrible morals (or in some cases, they fall off a moral cliff and refuse to be pulled back); even so, most of us eventually get tired of trying to argue loved ones out of egregious evil and go low or no contact.

These aren't people who raised you or grew up right beside you. They're people you chose, and kept choosing. Why are you continuously choosing bigots? Why are you making excuses for them? Why are you so desperate to keep the good opinion of terrible people? Why do you talk about wanting to be a true friend to your racist friends, and completely elide the idea of being in solidarity with the people they target? (Are the people they target real to you at all?)

You don't think you could change their minds? Fine. Speak up anyway. Alienate the fucking racists who think you're just fine with their horrifying views. Show some goddamn spine.

Or just whine about feeling like a "hypocrite" and give up on actually being a good person.

(Aaaargh this letter hit a nerve. Or maybe I'm all exposed nerves right now. I feel like screaming "none of this is a game, people! political opinions are not sports teams! this is life and death!!!! why doesn't it matter to you that people are really suffering" in a lot of faces right now.)

[dine]

now that it's more blatant, LW is uncomfortable, but ignoring their behavior for 10 years proves LW isn't bothered enough by the racism. find a backbone and call them out directly.

or don't, and just accept that you're a a hypocrite who values "friends" more than your stated beliefs

[mrissa]

The thing is that an antiracist engages with racists, tries to stop racism...but that doesn't mean continual engagement with the same racists. There are plenty of racists to go around. So I think LW as a self-proclaimed antiracist has a duty to deal with them on this topic for a while but not indefinitely.

If you don't change their mind about race, you will at least change their mind about whether "everybody" secretly agrees with them or about whether this is not a big deal.

[princessofgeeks]

HUGS

[magid]

Your parenthetical screaming is exactly what I've been wondering for a long time, but you put it more clearly than I have.

[dissectionist]

Based on comments made over the years, I’ve suspected that these two people are racists, but only recently have they overtly — almost proudly — declared it, and now I can no longer step over something I’ve tried to ignore.

“My friends kept being honest about who they were by making enough racist comments that I knew they were racist, but I was able to ignore it and pretend they weren’t. But after a decade of no resistance from me to their racist overtures, they wore white hoods right in front of me! The hoods were a bit much; I think people should keep their racism just quiet enough that I can ignore it. Can we still be friends?”

[feldman]

Seconded

[ashbet]

this!!!!