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Oh god divorce him
Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. We both came out of long previous marriages (more than 20 years each). I have three adult children and he has two.
My husband is an only child and doesn't have a close relationship with his parents. My children’s father passed away suddenly three years ago and since then they have become a lot closer to us. We tend to see them a lot more than he sees his kids. My children are very close, they do almost everything together with their spouses. My husband can’t seem to get why my children do a lot together and always invite us to come along and want to spend so much time with us. He says he’s glad his children aren’t like that.
Oftentimes when I want to do something with my children, he doesn’t want to. So, more than not, we don’t go see them. My husband’s job takes him out of town here and there. I take that opportunity to go to dinner at one of my children’s houses or spend the day.
For some reason this bothers my husband. He will say to me “why do you always have to see your kids when I’m gone?” I have explained to him because most of the time he doesn’t want to, so I’m taking the opportunity while he is away. I have asked him several times why this bothers him. He can’t seem to give me a real answer.
Now he is starting to get sarcastic with me about it. As he leaves to go out of town he will say “now go see your kids” It’s getting old. Is there something I’m missing?
– No Kidding
Dear No Kidding: Your husband needs to knock it off. It’s possible he genuinely doesn’t understand why you want to be close to your kids, but it’s hardly an outrageous thing to want. His peevishness crosses the line, though. What business is this of his?
If I’m being generous, I’d say maybe he’s envious. That’s OK. But he needs to express it in a different way. Or – and this is preferable – he needs to deal with that envy on his own and make amends to you. And you can tell him that. “My relationship with my kids is very important to me. I accept that this isn’t something that’s important to you, even though I wish it was different. If there’s something that’s really bothering you, I want to know. However, I don’t want to debate it anymore. Can you agree to that?”
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My husband is an only child and doesn't have a close relationship with his parents. My children’s father passed away suddenly three years ago and since then they have become a lot closer to us. We tend to see them a lot more than he sees his kids. My children are very close, they do almost everything together with their spouses. My husband can’t seem to get why my children do a lot together and always invite us to come along and want to spend so much time with us. He says he’s glad his children aren’t like that.
Oftentimes when I want to do something with my children, he doesn’t want to. So, more than not, we don’t go see them. My husband’s job takes him out of town here and there. I take that opportunity to go to dinner at one of my children’s houses or spend the day.
For some reason this bothers my husband. He will say to me “why do you always have to see your kids when I’m gone?” I have explained to him because most of the time he doesn’t want to, so I’m taking the opportunity while he is away. I have asked him several times why this bothers him. He can’t seem to give me a real answer.
Now he is starting to get sarcastic with me about it. As he leaves to go out of town he will say “now go see your kids” It’s getting old. Is there something I’m missing?
– No Kidding
Dear No Kidding: Your husband needs to knock it off. It’s possible he genuinely doesn’t understand why you want to be close to your kids, but it’s hardly an outrageous thing to want. His peevishness crosses the line, though. What business is this of his?
If I’m being generous, I’d say maybe he’s envious. That’s OK. But he needs to express it in a different way. Or – and this is preferable – he needs to deal with that envy on his own and make amends to you. And you can tell him that. “My relationship with my kids is very important to me. I accept that this isn’t something that’s important to you, even though I wish it was different. If there’s something that’s really bothering you, I want to know. However, I don’t want to debate it anymore. Can you agree to that?”
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And you know, if he doesn't want to be close to his kids that's his deal, but given the fucked up way he treats LW over it I kinda want LW to reach out to the stepkids and ask if they're okay.
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He's a dick. I wanna believe she will have a come to Jesus talk with him of some kind, but I have to be honest, when people write to advice columns asking what to do in response to obviously dickish behavior, I think they're just starting to grasp the problems in their lives and hard boundary-setting will take a while yet.
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Would he rather she sit at home alone? And/or have only him in her life? WTF.
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It's All About Him, All The Time.
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I'm an only child. So I know that this is not about being an only child.
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I'm also interested in why LW mentioned that husband doesn't have a close relationship with his parents but didn't mention what his relationship with his children is like. You seem them less often, yeah, and why is that, LW. Maybe the children know something you're refusing to see.
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In addition to the general push to isolate, I wonder if it's specifically threatening as indicating she would have imperfect loyalty toward him wrt his own estranged kids?