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Do not take this trip, LW!
Hi, Carolyn! I have been invited to join my fiancé’s family vacation for the first time. I am honored, even if a big trip with 10-plus people sounds a bit like a personal nightmare.
Here’s where I’m worried: One of my fiancé’s family’s favorite topics of conversation is how the in-law women have annoyed them during trips. I have spent a lot of time overhearing my fiancé’s family dig into these perceived transgressions. I’m terrified I’ll do something that will get discussed ad nauseam until I am deemed a villain!
I’m excited to get to know them better but worried the trip will reveal my faults. Is this even worth worrying about? I know I shouldn’t care if people talk about me behind my back because I know that is not the mature way to handle grievances. But! I don’t want my in-laws to hate me! Aside from not going or being silent the entire time, I’m not sure what to do.
— First-Timer
First-Timer: Hi! You seem so nice.
The best approach to problems has always been to get ahead of them, and this is no exception: Please vilify your in-laws before these snakes sink their fangs into you.
I am being facetious, of course. Mostly. And going into a tough social situation with all your feelings and dukes up is no way to get the most from your travel dollar.
But this family, as described, flat-out horrifies me. I wonder why it doesn’t horrify you, too, beyond the prospect of vacationing in this viper pit. Don’t you question the whole family whose “favorite” pastime is ripping everyone with the nerve to marry into it?
That, after all, is the in-laws’ common denominator: women silly enough to love someone in the original family. Now tell me the common denominator of those who sport-critique the wives. Now tell me why anyone would feel “honored” to be invited to travel with such a family.
If your fiancé is a good person and good for you (do make sure both are true before marrying), then you will have to deal with his people, barring estrangement or an asteroid. But you certainly don’t have to perform for their approval, my goodness.
Just be. And if you haven’t already, tell your fiancé your thoughts on their “favorite topic.” Tell him you want your future in-laws to like you, sure, but you’re not made of steel.
I might be more curious than you are about what he has to say, because I’m the only one talking about him.
More than your in-laws’ good reviews, you want your fiancé’s support. You want to know he’s not one of the vipers himself, and will buffer you from the pit — either by living entirely outside its influence or by standing up for you if its attention turns your way.
And you want affirmation of this before you pack for the trip, not a hanging-out-to-dry on Day 4. (Though better then than after the wedding, I guess.) If you can’t comfortably raise this with him, then are you really engagement-ready? With him or vipers.
Chasing approval (or trying to outrun disapproval) centers on others’ standards. “Just be” centers on yours, which is appropriate regardless. But to bring home my initial crack about vilifying them first: Do preemptively reject their methods — and center on “nice.” That’s my advice. It’s deceptively powerful when it’s the “nice” of basic decency vs. hustling to be liked.
If decency isn’t enough to win them over, then winning may never have been on the outsiders’ menu — which I fear with this family. Let’s hope they prove me wrong.
Link
Here’s where I’m worried: One of my fiancé’s family’s favorite topics of conversation is how the in-law women have annoyed them during trips. I have spent a lot of time overhearing my fiancé’s family dig into these perceived transgressions. I’m terrified I’ll do something that will get discussed ad nauseam until I am deemed a villain!
I’m excited to get to know them better but worried the trip will reveal my faults. Is this even worth worrying about? I know I shouldn’t care if people talk about me behind my back because I know that is not the mature way to handle grievances. But! I don’t want my in-laws to hate me! Aside from not going or being silent the entire time, I’m not sure what to do.
— First-Timer
First-Timer: Hi! You seem so nice.
The best approach to problems has always been to get ahead of them, and this is no exception: Please vilify your in-laws before these snakes sink their fangs into you.
I am being facetious, of course. Mostly. And going into a tough social situation with all your feelings and dukes up is no way to get the most from your travel dollar.
But this family, as described, flat-out horrifies me. I wonder why it doesn’t horrify you, too, beyond the prospect of vacationing in this viper pit. Don’t you question the whole family whose “favorite” pastime is ripping everyone with the nerve to marry into it?
That, after all, is the in-laws’ common denominator: women silly enough to love someone in the original family. Now tell me the common denominator of those who sport-critique the wives. Now tell me why anyone would feel “honored” to be invited to travel with such a family.
If your fiancé is a good person and good for you (do make sure both are true before marrying), then you will have to deal with his people, barring estrangement or an asteroid. But you certainly don’t have to perform for their approval, my goodness.
Just be. And if you haven’t already, tell your fiancé your thoughts on their “favorite topic.” Tell him you want your future in-laws to like you, sure, but you’re not made of steel.
I might be more curious than you are about what he has to say, because I’m the only one talking about him.
More than your in-laws’ good reviews, you want your fiancé’s support. You want to know he’s not one of the vipers himself, and will buffer you from the pit — either by living entirely outside its influence or by standing up for you if its attention turns your way.
And you want affirmation of this before you pack for the trip, not a hanging-out-to-dry on Day 4. (Though better then than after the wedding, I guess.) If you can’t comfortably raise this with him, then are you really engagement-ready? With him or vipers.
Chasing approval (or trying to outrun disapproval) centers on others’ standards. “Just be” centers on yours, which is appropriate regardless. But to bring home my initial crack about vilifying them first: Do preemptively reject their methods — and center on “nice.” That’s my advice. It’s deceptively powerful when it’s the “nice” of basic decency vs. hustling to be liked.
If decency isn’t enough to win them over, then winning may never have been on the outsiders’ menu — which I fear with this family. Let’s hope they prove me wrong.
Link
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There are families like that - where having your past embarrassments and mistakes brought back up repeatedly is sincerely a way of showing affection and acceptance - and if they are that kind of family, you'll have to figure out if you can learn to deal with that or not - and that you seem to enjoy their company otherwise says this might be the case.
Of course there are also families who do this sort of stuff to be hateful and exclusionary. Your fiance, your fellow in-laws (and also, your experience of how your fiance expresses affection and how he interacts with his family) can help be your guide as to which is is.
If you do decide they're just hateful people, it sounds like there's other in-laws around who get the same thing. You should unionize and organize your own parallel gathering.
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LW: here, borrow my Nopetopus and ride FAR AWAY.
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The problem is not that your sister-in-law-to-be all screwed up but YOU can do it RIGHT. The problem is that these people criticize for sport--not just actual transgressions but minor annoyances. You may be excited to get to know them better, but you already know that about them.
...and now, LW, now go look at where else in your life you've assumed that marginalized people being harshly criticized could just Be Good Enough to prevent it. The Answer May Surprise You.
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