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Carolyn Hax: Husband has been lying for entire marriage about wanting kids
[Posting this because I'm in love with the line "I have so much 'wow,' I could get arrested for intent to distribute." AND it's one with an update.]
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have been married for eight years. We started dating when I was a senior in high school and he was a senior in college, and we got married after I completed dental hygienist training — always with the plan to have many kids. I have always been upfront about my deep desire for kids, and he always said he wanted them, too.
We’ve been trying for five years now with no luck, and he’s very unsympathetic and just keeps saying it’s no big deal. Last week we fought about his not getting tested, while I have had multiple tests. Everything came up 100 percent normal with me.
He finally admitted that he won’t get tested because he’s been lying about wanting kids the entire time we’ve been together, but thought he could “adapt if we had them.” This whole time, he’s been overjoyed that I’m not pregnant while I’ve been distraught.
My biggest fear has been that I’ll never be a mom, and it turns out that my husband is okay with that. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life now. I love him with all my heart, but I don’t know how to get past this. Since the fight, he seems very remorseful, but that doesn’t really fix my broken heart, does it?
— Brokenhearted
Brokenhearted: It’s your heart, so I can’t say.
But as you dissect this holy-crap sandwich he just handed you, make sure you identify all the problem components:
· He big-fat-lied to you. He did not fib, shade or spin.
· The topic was something you regard as the core of your being.
· The lie caused you to suffer visibly to him over a span of five years. Five. Years. He watched you manage suffering he could have eased but chose not to because he liked his life better when you were suffering. Not even a, “There, there.”
· Instead, he kept the lie going.
I have so much “wow,” I could get arrested for intent to distribute.
I will take your loving him “with all my heart” on faith, but hope you’ll give the lovability of such searing cruelty a good think. I can’t make promises, but with all the people on Earth, I believe there are many you could love who would actually love you back.
Readers’ thoughts:
· Gently — are you totally sure he hasn’t had a vasectomy?
· Get out. Make your plans, set aside your funds, talk to a lawyer, file and get out. I went through the same thing with my now-ex-wife. Took about three years to pull the truth out of her, a few more of her fake commitments and a wasted decade before the divorce was final. It’s the ultimate betrayal. File, get free and don’t look back.
Update from the next chat:
Dear Carolyn: So, my marriage is over. I asked my husband to please get tested, and he said there’s no point. He won’t explain why or look into donor sperm or adoption. Children won’t happen with him as my husband, so I’m leaving. I’m moving to my mom’s this weekend because he’s screaming at me all the time asking why he’s not enough for me. Wish me luck. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I’m heartbroken 10 different ways.
— Heartbroken again
Heartbroken again: I am so sorry. Please be very careful. This sounds like a volatile situation: 800-799-SAFE, thehotline.org.
I hope you’re feeling better soon and write back again.
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have been married for eight years. We started dating when I was a senior in high school and he was a senior in college, and we got married after I completed dental hygienist training — always with the plan to have many kids. I have always been upfront about my deep desire for kids, and he always said he wanted them, too.
We’ve been trying for five years now with no luck, and he’s very unsympathetic and just keeps saying it’s no big deal. Last week we fought about his not getting tested, while I have had multiple tests. Everything came up 100 percent normal with me.
He finally admitted that he won’t get tested because he’s been lying about wanting kids the entire time we’ve been together, but thought he could “adapt if we had them.” This whole time, he’s been overjoyed that I’m not pregnant while I’ve been distraught.
My biggest fear has been that I’ll never be a mom, and it turns out that my husband is okay with that. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life now. I love him with all my heart, but I don’t know how to get past this. Since the fight, he seems very remorseful, but that doesn’t really fix my broken heart, does it?
— Brokenhearted
Brokenhearted: It’s your heart, so I can’t say.
But as you dissect this holy-crap sandwich he just handed you, make sure you identify all the problem components:
· He big-fat-lied to you. He did not fib, shade or spin.
· The topic was something you regard as the core of your being.
· The lie caused you to suffer visibly to him over a span of five years. Five. Years. He watched you manage suffering he could have eased but chose not to because he liked his life better when you were suffering. Not even a, “There, there.”
· Instead, he kept the lie going.
I have so much “wow,” I could get arrested for intent to distribute.
I will take your loving him “with all my heart” on faith, but hope you’ll give the lovability of such searing cruelty a good think. I can’t make promises, but with all the people on Earth, I believe there are many you could love who would actually love you back.
Readers’ thoughts:
· Gently — are you totally sure he hasn’t had a vasectomy?
· Get out. Make your plans, set aside your funds, talk to a lawyer, file and get out. I went through the same thing with my now-ex-wife. Took about three years to pull the truth out of her, a few more of her fake commitments and a wasted decade before the divorce was final. It’s the ultimate betrayal. File, get free and don’t look back.
Update from the next chat:
Dear Carolyn: So, my marriage is over. I asked my husband to please get tested, and he said there’s no point. He won’t explain why or look into donor sperm or adoption. Children won’t happen with him as my husband, so I’m leaving. I’m moving to my mom’s this weekend because he’s screaming at me all the time asking why he’s not enough for me. Wish me luck. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I’m heartbroken 10 different ways.
— Heartbroken again
Heartbroken again: I am so sorry. Please be very careful. This sounds like a volatile situation: 800-799-SAFE, thehotline.org.
I hope you’re feeling better soon and write back again.
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