Carolyn Hax: Husband has been lying for entire marriage about wanting kids

[kshandra]

[Posting this because I'm in love with the line "I have so much 'wow,' I could get arrested for intent to distribute." AND it's one with an update.]

Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have been married for eight years. We started dating when I was a senior in high school and he was a senior in college, and we got married after I completed dental hygienist training — always with the plan to have many kids. I have always been upfront about my deep desire for kids, and he always said he wanted them, too.

We’ve been trying for five years now with no luck, and he’s very unsympathetic and just keeps saying it’s no big deal. Last week we fought about his not getting tested, while I have had multiple tests. Everything came up 100 percent normal with me.

He finally admitted that he won’t get tested because he’s been lying about wanting kids the entire time we’ve been together, but thought he could “adapt if we had them.” This whole time, he’s been overjoyed that I’m not pregnant while I’ve been distraught.

My biggest fear has been that I’ll never be a mom, and it turns out that my husband is okay with that. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to in life now. I love him with all my heart, but I don’t know how to get past this. Since the fight, he seems very remorseful, but that doesn’t really fix my broken heart, does it?

— Brokenhearted

Brokenhearted: It’s your heart, so I can’t say.

But as you dissect this holy-crap sandwich he just handed you, make sure you identify all the problem components:

· He big-fat-lied to you. He did not fib, shade or spin.

· The topic was something you regard as the core of your being.

· The lie caused you to suffer visibly to him over a span of five years. Five. Years. He watched you manage suffering he could have eased but chose not to because he liked his life better when you were suffering. Not even a, “There, there.”

· Instead, he kept the lie going.

I have so much “wow,” I could get arrested for intent to distribute.

I will take your loving him “with all my heart” on faith, but hope you’ll give the lovability of such searing cruelty a good think. I can’t make promises, but with all the people on Earth, I believe there are many you could love who would actually love you back.

Readers’ thoughts:

· Gently — are you totally sure he hasn’t had a vasectomy?

· Get out. Make your plans, set aside your funds, talk to a lawyer, file and get out. I went through the same thing with my now-ex-wife. Took about three years to pull the truth out of her, a few more of her fake commitments and a wasted decade before the divorce was final. It’s the ultimate betrayal. File, get free and don’t look back.

Update from the next chat:

Dear Carolyn: So, my marriage is over. I asked my husband to please get tested, and he said there’s no point. He won’t explain why or look into donor sperm or adoption. Children won’t happen with him as my husband, so I’m leaving. I’m moving to my mom’s this weekend because he’s screaming at me all the time asking why he’s not enough for me. Wish me luck. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I’m heartbroken 10 different ways.

— Heartbroken again

Heartbroken again: I am so sorry. Please be very careful. This sounds like a volatile situation: 800-799-SAFE, thehotline.org.

I hope you’re feeling better soon and write back again.

Comments

[haggis]

I hate this man so much. He has lied to her, repeatedly. He has allowed her to suffer pointlessly when he could have alleviated it (by being honest) years sooner. He has wasted her limited time and used her energy selfishly. And then he has the audacity to pretend she is being unjust to him by living the values she has always professed.

It doesn't feel like it now but raising children with a cowardly, lazy, selfish, cruel man would have been worse.

[conuly]

Wow, so, yeah, this dude clearly needs to get his head screwed on straight. The issue isn't that he's not enough for her, the issue is that he's a lying liar who lies and lies and lies.

[ironymaiden]

A selfish coward. He may have not always known that he didn't want kids, but he was afraid to be truthful when he did know - and then he thought that his problem was solved by the infertility.

Basically his fear was that she cared more about imaginary children than her real live husband *and he was right.* I'm not saying he was behaving correctly here, since he's literally stolen years of her fertility with his lies. But I also know as a person who never felt the longing for children that her very real pain is hard to understand and he may have no concept of his cruelty.

[minoanmiss]

Even though he didn't want children he still watched her put herself through every test, most likely with self-recriminations and self-loathing, and he could have eased a lot of her misery with the truth. Even if he kept thinking, "why is my wife metaphorically banging her head on an unimportant wall by keeping on trying." he could at least have seen all the emotional bruises she had from all the trying, I think. I think that part of his cruelty he could at least have seen.

[cereta]

Emotional and physical bruises. Some of the basic fertility tests are really fucking unpleasant (see: hysterosalpingogram).

[minoanmiss]

winces

[rymenhild]

Yeah, dude had a vasectomy.

[lilysea]

yeah,

98% chance he had a vasectomy

1% chance knows he is infertile due to mumps

1% chance infertile from other reasons that he doesn't know about and doesn't want to look into because he doesn't want kids

[conuly]

Or maybe he has some weird toxic masculinity based shame around infertility.

[melannen]

+1

[topaz_eyes]

That's beyond cruel, wtaf. I'd bet money that he got a vasectomy, probably before they married, so he knew it was almost impossible. "He could adapt if we had them," my ass. He'd probably be just as cruel to any potential children as he is to LW. I hope she's safe and in therapy.

[annotated_em]

Waaaaaait, they started dating when she was a senior in HIGH SCHOOL and he was a senior in COLLEGE?????

I mean yes, the whole thing is crap, I hope she gets out safe and clean, but y i k e s.

[kshandra]

Assuming they were both on a "traditional" academic plan, that would only be four years apart, but it is still kind of the cherry atop the Nope Sundae.

[annotated_em]

Yeah, I might not side-eye it so much if it weren't for *waves hands* Everything Else. Four years isn't much when you're 28 and 32, but it's a lot more when you're talking 18 and 22.

At least this means that the letter writer is probably young enough that she can still have kids, with a partner or otherwise.

[matsushima]

Good for LW dumping this jackoff. Even before I got to the update where he's screaming at her, he sounded like a self-centered asshole. I hope LW can get back on their feet and find a partner who will be a wonderful co-parent someday or has a support system that will help if they decide to go for IVF and solo parent.

[azurelunatic]

Welp. I am somehow unsurprised that his abuse went from passive cruelty to active.

[nineveh_uk]

Wow. Now this is a case I'd love to see a divorce based on fault and taking him to the cleaners. This man is a nasty piece of work.

ETA On the plus side, given the timing she could well be under 30 and knows there are no issues with her fertility. She has time to recover from this and meet someone else. Things could have been even worse had she been older.