agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 6-year-old is obsessed with shaving. I discovered that he’d been shaving his legs and arms with my razor in the shower. I’ve explained why we’re not going to do it—firstly, because it’s not safe, and secondly, because it is changing his body by removing his fine hair and causing different, darker, courser hair to grow. This, to me, is different than the way I allow him to express himself with haircuts, nail polish, clothes, temporary tattoos, etc. For me, it feels like modifying his body, closer to an ear piercing than a haircut.

He says he just wants to because he likes to do it. He’s a sensory seeker and also tends to love things that are off-limits (of course). I think he likes how it feels during shaving and how it feels after, though he’s seeing the courser stubble coming through, and I feel like that’s making an impact to see that I’m not just making things up. Am I overreacting and should I just let him get down with an electric razor if he wants to? At the moment, I’ve taken to just hiding all the razors.

—Hairless

Dear Hairless,

First off, it’s a myth that shaving makes the hair grow in darker and courser. Yes, the stubble makes it feel that way because of the edge that shaving created and the width of the hair at that part of the shaft, but the hair composition isn’t changing. So, you can put to rest your concern about him altering his body.

I answered a related question a few months back about a 7-year-old girl who wanted to shave because she was being teased for her body hair. In that column, I referenced a social media conversation in my neighborhood where the moms overwhelmingly supported a young local girl’s choice to shave. One of the more common refrains was the fact that we are trying to teach kids bodily autonomy, and that this right should extend to certain aspects of their appearance.

I recognize your son’s situation is a bit different than the girls I reference above. However, if your son is allowed to cut and style his head hair how he wants, why is his limb hair off limits? Is it possible that, despite your (excellent) openness to gender-nonconforming aesthetics, shaving one’s legs is a bit too far for you? Sit with that, perhaps. If it really is just about body alteration, my first paragraph here should take care of that.

I suppose you could always see if some other kind of sensory stimulation would satisfy him as a substitute. But to me, there is no harm in allowing him to shave.

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So many thoughts!

1. As stated, the "hair grows back darker and coarser" story is a myth and should not impact LW's decisions.

2. However, I'm really raising an eyebrow at "for me, it feels like modifying his body, closer to an ear piercing than a haircut" because I'd absolutely let a six year old get their ear(s) pierced, so long as I had no concerns about hygiene. I'm not a big fan of pierced ears on babies... but a six year old is not a baby.

3. The comments are full of people up in arms that LW didn't mention how dangerous a safety razor is. Which... okay... listen, if you don't want to let your preteen child shave because the razor might cut them, fair enough, but unless they're trying to hurt themselves the worst that will happen... is a cut. They won't bleed out. I've had worse cuts, seen worse cuts, on children who happened to trip and fall running down the street.

I agree with all of this but I know it's common for parents to not allow their kids any body modifications until they're older. When I was a teen in the 90s-00s I remember 13 was oddly common, but I heard about limits of 15 and 16, too.

There are also plenty of safety razors that are well-night impossible to cut yourself with. They tend to be the ones with the replaceable razor heads, too, so less waste.

I'm so confused about #2. How is shaving his body hair more like ear piercings (which often leave a permanent scar even if/when the piercing closes) than a hair cut? Unless, of course, LW still believes #1, that shaving permanently changes the color and texture of body hair.

It's possible to give yourself a pretty bad cut with a modern safety razor (I have a little scar on my foot from dropping my razor just wrong) but the solution to that isn't telling LW's son he's not allowed to shave - it sounds like he'll sneak and do it anyway - but to say, "I only want you using a razor with supervision" like any other potentially dangerous tools young(ish) kids learn to use, like steak knives or whatever.

As stated, the "hair grows back darker and coarser" story is a myth and should not impact LW's decisions.

And more profuse—-let’s not forget that detail. (If that worked, why don’t people with pattern baldness shave their heads to stimulate hair growth—-as opposed to doing so to finish the job, as it were?)

Hm. I've heard of people in some cultures shaving the baby's head for this reason.

fwiw, almost no good piercers where I am will do body mods on anyone under 13. there's 1 lady who specializes in children, and she won't take any kids under 10. options for under-10s are either pediatricians (many of whom will not do piercings but some do -- often ONLY lobe piercings on children for whose parents this is a cultural practice) and places like Claire's. This is why my 12 year old doesn't have pierced ears: they can wait til they're old enough to go to the close, good piercer that I trust.

Now I'm curious if any piercers in my area would...I suspect with the variety of options in a big city it's possible to find one who would pierce a kid's ear lobes with the kid's and parent's consent. I remember talking my parents into letting me get my ears pierced for my fourth birthday and being thrilled about it, even though it happened at the mall with a piercing gun, which was way more painful than a professional body mod shop would have been.

The teen fanperson got hers done at 11 at a reputable tattoo-and-piercing place. Interestingly, the same place (where she's since gotten a septum nasal piercing as well as more ear piercings) refused to do snakebites until she turns 18.

it's pretty common IME for good piercing places to only do ears and noses til age 18. the ones around here all have that same rule.

Yeah, I'm in a medium-sized city and there's lots of sketchy piercers but only a handful of really good ones whose safety practices I think are solid. And any random mall or Claire's, of course, will do it -- but having had that myself for my earlobes, there's no way in hell I'm doing it for a kid of mine.

In England and Wales, ear piercing is legal at any age with parental permission, but most of the parents I know through daughter's school said "not till you're 10-11" and got it done during the summer holidays, to give it time to heal before the start of term (as the primary school didn't allow earrings). My nephews all had theirs done as babies though. My daughter (nearly 12) isn't interested as yet.

Daughter's secondary school (11-16) doesn't allow jewellery (or retainers) in piercings other than one small stud per ear, and I think that's quite common.