agonyaunt | (no subject)

My ex and I have two high school kids together. I now know he was unfaithful throughout our marriage. He divorced me when he got his now-wife pregnant. They have three kids together. Because she stays at home, most of our scheduling conversations end up going through her. I’ve tried talking to him, I’ve tried written communication but the only thing that seems to stick is a phone call or physical conversation with her. I send a recap to their shared email to cover all my bases. It’s exhausting but the only thing that seems to work. He got another woman pregnant. Maybe they’ll work it out, maybe they won’t.

But every conversation with his wife now starts with complaints and sometimes sobbing about how hard it is. I have zero sympathy for her. She seems to think we can bond about him, mostly because I was always neutral to her. I only did that because I knew that being nasty would just be embarrassing and unhelpful and maybe hurt my kids. I do not like her. I believe she shouldn’t be surprised by him. I’m mostly just grateful my kids are almost grown and we won’t have to split child support a million ways as he continues to be selfish and careless. But her behavior is driving me up the wall and I’m worried I’m going to snap and tell her what I really think. How do I stay cool about this? I should be happy that karma is coming for her but mostly I’m just annoyed that she’s complaining about being on the other side of the coin.

—Annoyed

Dear Annoyed,

You can remind her that you’re the wrong person to vent to about this without lashing out, being nasty, insulting her, or doing anything else to sabotage your coparenting relationship. Try this, the next time she comes to you crying: “I completely understand. I’ve been there. When I learned that he got you pregnant, I was devastated and didn’t know how I’d go on.” And then just let the (hopefully awkward, if she’s aware enough to recognize that) silence speak for itself.

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God, this dude sounds like such a fucking piece of work. Like, it's not just the cheating, he also sounds like an all-around terrible dad. How does he keep finding people willing to help him cheat on his wives?

If the columnist's script doesn't work for LW and she has to be blunt, I'd... well, I'd be blunt: "I'm sorry you thought he wouldn't do to you what he did to me, but I can't be your friend about this. Because we're not really friend, and you know that. You need to call an actual friend, and if you don't have any of those you need to make an appointment with your therapist."

Maybe he's a charming wastrel.

Maybe he should go fuck himself for a change, and leave the women alone.

True that.

Maybe he's a charming wastrel.

The “I can fix him!” urge can be a powerful one, and has spurred megatons of fanfiction—-not to mention a massive body of folklore (Scheherazade comes to mind) and published romantic fiction (1). This makes the idea that, after those previous eight treacherous bitches, you’ll be *THE ONE!* an effective anglerfish lure for a serial deadbeat to dangle.

Unfortunately, real people tend to be a lot more intractable; before you know it, congratulations—-you’ve been cast as Treacherous Bitch #9 in his spiel to #10.

(1) And then there’s a Taylor Swift song.

Edited 2024-07-29 23:02 (UTC)

I think your script is better; Prudie's invites her to think it's something they have in common and can bond over (which does sometimes happen, but not with this LW, I think.)

I'll give the LW her credit for keeping her - justified! - anger so far under wraps that this other woman apparently doesn't know about it.

I like your script better.

Your script is a million times better than the columnist’s.