agonyaunt | (no subject)

My ex and I have two high school kids together. I now know he was unfaithful throughout our marriage. He divorced me when he got his now-wife pregnant. They have three kids together. Because she stays at home, most of our scheduling conversations end up going through her. I’ve tried talking to him, I’ve tried written communication but the only thing that seems to stick is a phone call or physical conversation with her. I send a recap to their shared email to cover all my bases. It’s exhausting but the only thing that seems to work. He got another woman pregnant. Maybe they’ll work it out, maybe they won’t.

But every conversation with his wife now starts with complaints and sometimes sobbing about how hard it is. I have zero sympathy for her. She seems to think we can bond about him, mostly because I was always neutral to her. I only did that because I knew that being nasty would just be embarrassing and unhelpful and maybe hurt my kids. I do not like her. I believe she shouldn’t be surprised by him. I’m mostly just grateful my kids are almost grown and we won’t have to split child support a million ways as he continues to be selfish and careless. But her behavior is driving me up the wall and I’m worried I’m going to snap and tell her what I really think. How do I stay cool about this? I should be happy that karma is coming for her but mostly I’m just annoyed that she’s complaining about being on the other side of the coin.

—Annoyed

Dear Annoyed,

You can remind her that you’re the wrong person to vent to about this without lashing out, being nasty, insulting her, or doing anything else to sabotage your coparenting relationship. Try this, the next time she comes to you crying: “I completely understand. I’ve been there. When I learned that he got you pregnant, I was devastated and didn’t know how I’d go on.” And then just let the (hopefully awkward, if she’s aware enough to recognize that) silence speak for itself.

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God, this dude sounds like such a fucking piece of work. Like, it's not just the cheating, he also sounds like an all-around terrible dad. How does he keep finding people willing to help him cheat on his wives?

If the columnist's script doesn't work for LW and she has to be blunt, I'd... well, I'd be blunt: "I'm sorry you thought he wouldn't do to you what he did to me, but I can't be your friend about this. Because we're not really friend, and you know that. You need to call an actual friend, and if you don't have any of those you need to make an appointment with your therapist."

Maybe he's a charming wastrel.

Maybe he should go fuck himself for a change, and leave the women alone.

True that.

Maybe he's a charming wastrel.

The “I can fix him!” urge can be a powerful one, and has spurred megatons of fanfiction—-not to mention a massive body of folklore (Scheherazade comes to mind) and published romantic fiction (1). This makes the idea that, after those previous eight treacherous bitches, you’ll be *THE ONE!* an effective anglerfish lure for a serial deadbeat to dangle.

Unfortunately, real people tend to be a lot more intractable; before you know it, congratulations—-you’ve been cast as Treacherous Bitch #9 in his spiel to #10.

(1) And then there’s a Taylor Swift song.

Edited 2024-07-29 23:02 (UTC)

I think your script is better; Prudie's invites her to think it's something they have in common and can bond over (which does sometimes happen, but not with this LW, I think.)

I'll give the LW her credit for keeping her - justified! - anger so far under wraps that this other woman apparently doesn't know about it.

I like your script better.

Your script is a million times better than the columnist’s.

This is a tangent, but I've seen a few things about the place which has made me wonder.

Women in divorces/separations are often told "don't badmouth your ex to the children", which I think is good advice. But then they don't tell their kids that the father is delinquent on child support or alimony, that the father could come to the kid's concerts and presentation days but chooses not to, that the father has cheated on his next wife. Except that means the kid often grows up with only the father's side of the story, because the mother is so busy Not Badmouthing The Ex that she's also not telling them the plain facts of the matter.

Where do most people draw the line between "badmouthing" and "telling the facts"?

Kids aren't dumb. They can *see* that Dad didn't show up for their concerts even though the kid asked them to.

As for being late on the child support or the maintenance (it's not called alimony anymore, and you're not likely to get it) checks, it depends on the situation, I think.

I have a friend who could pretty much have written this letter, except that her kids are about 12 and 10, and yes, I think they began to notice about four years ago that dad may try to be the fun parent, but he doesn't always turn up when he said, and doesn't remember their likes and dislikes, and treats them (especially younger one) less well than their half-sister, and ...

I don't know about "most people," but when this has come up with friends of mine--which it has, oh lord, it has--to me the line is sticking to the facts and not putting opinion in.

It comes up with non-parents, too--one of my best friends has a sister who would promise to take Bestie's kid to the zoo or the movies or whatever and then not show up, and she just had to practice saying, "I don't know, buddy, she told me she was coming today too. I don't know where she is." "Maybe she's doing something super-important!" "Maybe. But I want you to know that spending time with you is important too."

(Yeah, the last bit is an opinion. But it's an opinion about the kid and the parent speaking, not an opinion like, "Your aunt is an unreliable jackass, sweetheart, and she doesn't care if she hurts you.")

I have read, but not fully verified, that abusive fathers are more likely to get child custody than divorced fathers with no history of abuse. Because it's really really hard to prove child abuse, but it's pretty easy to prove so-called parental alienation. So if the other parent says anything at all about the father being abusive, even down to believing the kids when they report, they can lose custody and put the children in even more danger.