Another letter I hope is fake

[conuly]

I have a seven-year-old son who’s extremely sensitive to certain smells and foods. It’s been quite challenging navigating his needs. The other day at the playground, I found myself in an awkward situation with another mother. I know that her daughter’s lunch had a strong smell that has been bothering my son, so I decided to mention it, even though I felt awkward doing so. I tried to explain how these odors were disrupting his school day and affecting his appetite. I approached her politely, hoping for some understanding. However, she completely dismissed my concerns and suggested that my son could just move away if he didn’t like it. I was taken aback; it felt like she didn’t care about my son’s well-being at all.

My husband thinks I could have handled it better, but I’m not sure what else I could have done. I was just trying to advocate for my son. His sensitivity to smells and foods is already such a challenge, and these strong odors are making his school days unbearable. He shouldn’t have to suffer because this other mother packs food that is not appropriate for a child’s school lunch. I approached the other mother calmly, hoping she might change her mind out of common decency. Instead, she refused to consider any changes; she even resorted to profane language.

I hate seeing my son struggle like this. I refuse to let him dread school lunches because of someone else’s insensitivity. What else can I do to get the other mother to comply with my request? I’m open to any and all suggestions, even if I have to go over her head or pursue legal options. I know it may sound drastic, but my child’s welfare is at stake, and I need somebody aside from me to take this situation seriously.

—One Angry Mama Bear

Dear Mama Bear,

I can imagine how difficult it must be for you to watch your son struggle with his sensitivity, but that’s not reason enough for another parent to change what they send their child for lunch. It’s one thing if we’re talking about a play date, but it’s not fair to expect other children to adapt what they eat just because he’s in the vicinity. You don’t know what sort of food-related issues the other kids may be dealing with that may require them to eat foods you consider odorous. You don’t say what this food was, but it’s also worth considering that so-called “ethnic” food is often pungent, leading kids who bring it to school to be teased about it. It would be culturally insensitive to suggest that they start bringing other dishes.

Is there perhaps a scent that your son can smell when he’s triggered by something unpleasant, like an essential oil that he can carry in his backpack. You should talk to your son’s teacher and perhaps principal about making adequate accommodations for him; unfortunately, that may have to entail him sitting by himself. It may suck, but if that’s the only way you can avoid him dealing with uncomfortable smells, then it’s necessary. Perhaps he can have an assigned seat in the cafeteria where other kids have to maintain their distance, or maybe he can eat by himself in a classroom. Sorry to say, but there isn’t much else you can do. I realize that many classrooms have gone nut free to accommodate student allergies, but a sensitivity to smell is much more subjective and difficult to plan around. The specific smells that repulse your child may be carried by the foods his classmates need to survive.

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Comments

[conuly]

There are two questions here: First, whether or not LW's son has a serious sensory sensitivity to smells, and second, whether or not LW is a racist ass.

The only way to know the answer to the first is to have him assessed, and then LW can see about formal accommodations. However, this would probably mean having the kid eat lunch separately, so I hope she's okay with that!

As for the second, the answer is obviously yes. If a child is eating the food then it is obviously not inappropriate for a child's lunch.

That Bad Advice

[minoanmiss]

Dear LW

Please sue your swarthy foreigner fellow parent for feeding her child INAPPROPRIATE food, and notify your local journalists when you do. They'll want to cover this case!

ETA Re: That Bad Advice

[minoanmiss]

Yes, smell sensitivity is very real. There are reasons I don't wear perfume. But this mother is willing to consider legal action against another family before trying to think of a single thing she can modify in her son's daily routine. I not only find that snarkworthy I suspect she feels she has a societal advantage ove the other family.

I do hope she listens to the advice but I'm not sure I'd bet a nickel on it.

Re: ETA Re: That Bad Advice

[lilysea]

p.s. as someone for whom perfume = migraines that can last 3 or 4 days

THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for not wearing perfume.

I wish more people were like you!

(and that men in their teens/20s would stop wearing Axe/Lynx bodyspray, which is one of the worse migraine triggers in scents)

Re: ETA Re: That Bad Advice

[flemmings]

There's a reason I keep an N95 mask handy even outdoors.

Re: ETA Re: That Bad Advice

[cereta]

It took me years to plead with my mother to go easier on the perfume when I was visiting, because it aggravates my migraine. In fairness, she stopped using it at all when I was there. So THANK YOU.

[lilysea]

Look, smell sensitivity is a real thing

but you only get to police what lunch someone takes to school

with eg very young kids who can't be trusted not to share their food with other kids and life threatening peanut allergies

or little kids who eat peanut butter, don't wash their hands, and then toss a basketball to the allergic child = deadly reaction (yes, this has really happened)

Incidentally, I have smell sensitivity to some foods (nausea, migraine)
and the foods that are most likely to set me off are
English/British foods or foods mainly eaten by white people

eg vegetables boiled into submission, either unflavoured or covered

in a cheesey white sauce.

eg cooked brussel sprouts

other cooked vegetables;

Barbeque (it's the smoke smell);

steak (especially, but not only, Osso Buco)

beef pie;

The idea that "ethnic" food = smell sensitivity is LW's racism/xenophobia showing.

For me, at least, spices or onion or garlic don't cause me smell issues.

(I can't EAT spices or onion or garlic because my digestive system sucks, but that's a seperate issue)

[lethe1]

The idea that "ethnic" food = smell sensitivity is LW's racism/xenophobia showing.

To be fair, it is not LW who brought up "ethnic", but the person who wrote the reply.

I myself was thinking more in the direction of fish or some such.

[conuly]

It’s the excuse that the food brought in was somehow “inappropriate”. That’s not a word I expect to hear about a tuna salad.

[green_grrl]

Yup. I was thinking, it’s either tuna salad sandwich or curry until I hit that line. It’s obviously curry.

[full_metal_ox]

Kimchee was another option that came to my mind.

[torachan]

I absolutely believe that the LW meant ethnic food. Like conuly said, it's the "inappropriate" that's a dog whistle.

[melannen]

Yeah, the "inappropriate" is what makes it, if not racist, then classist (but probably racist). LW is saying that this parent is sending the kind of food that "proper" parents don't send to lunch with their kids - she's showing no awareness that people from other cultures or classes may be used to eating different things when they're kids, and that this is okay.

[movingfinger]

If he can't stand food smells, he's going to have a very difficult time. I hope that LW has sought professional medical assessment of her son, with a diagnosis, because that would open the door to an accommodation such as him eating lunch alone at a special table apart from all the kids with smelly lunches.

I'm being sarcastic, but all we have here is "Mama Bear" being kinda racist and obnoxious, giving her first- or second-grader a Reputation by being That Mother, and not indicating that she has done anything but expect the world to wrap her child in HEPA filters. I hope she is not badmouthing those kids or their parents where her own child can hear her, or at all!

[full_metal_ox]

I'm being sarcastic, but all we have here is "Mama Bear" being kinda racist and obnoxious, giving her first- or second-grader a Reputation by being That Mother, and not indicating that she has done anything but expect the world to wrap her child in HEPA filters. I hope she is not badmouthing those kids or their parents where her own child can hear her, or at all!

What a parent thinks they’re whispering is what a child hears through a bullhorn.

[yalovetz]

I'm autistic and have some sensory sensitivity with regards to taste and smell, but also have a high level of sensory seeking, specifically with regards to taste.

This meant that I couldn't eat school dinners, because the vegetables were too bland (not enough taste sensation) and they included meat (the wrong texture, taste and smell, setting off my sensory sensitivities).

To get me to eat lunch, my parents took to sending me to school with food like garlic pickle sandwiches. Which I'm sure this LW would deem "inappropriate". Did the smell bother my classmates? Probably, some of them, but only the white ones, and they simply chose not to sit next to me. (Okay, they also chose to make "Pew, what is that?" comments, but I was mostly oblivious.)

So yeah, this may have been code for "ethnic" food from LW, but it also may have been about a parent with a child who has strong sensory seeking needs when it comes to taste and has to provide their child with strongly flavoured food in order to get them to eat. Who's to say your child's sensory needs trump their child's sensory needs?

[derridian]

Garlic pickle sandwiches sound great to me! (I love vinegary tasting things; I also really like sandwiches.)

[azurelunatic]

And here I was thinking that a strategically placed fan and open window might work, given a room with a window that opens.

[conuly]

And weather that’s clement year-round?

[melannen]

A window with a room that opens is a big ask these days...