agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR ABBY: I am the 18-year-old daughter (and third child) of parents who are going through a divorce after being together for 36 years. I need your insight on this because I am unsure.

My father has always craved physical love and affection, whereas my mom is more like a cat who prefers separation and independence. Even with these differences, things used to be good between them. That was until Mom decided she wanted to stop having sex due to her age and no longer enjoying it. (She also quit drinking, which he didn't like.)

My father was very upset with this and claimed it was abuse if she didn't make love with him, since "that's how people show love." He also stated she should "be more fun" by drinking with him. Mom tried to keep the family at peace and be the person he wanted her to be for a few years, but finally decided she could no longer do it. He moved on very quickly -- my father is already with another woman, even though he and Mom aren't officially divorced yet.

I've always taken my mom's side, but this has caused my relationship with Dad to dwindle significantly. He claims I am part of the reason the divorce is happening, since I "make her feel like what she's doing is OK." Should I see his perspective as well? -- TEEN OF DIVORCE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR TEEN: That your father has dragged you into the marital difficulties between him and your mother is appalling. I believe it is a form of child abuse. The person whose perspective you should seek -- and I am not saying this lightly -- is a licensed psychotherapist, to discuss this entire matter. You are NOT the reason for your parents' divorce. Their basic incompatibility and your father's manipulative nature are the reasons. Please talk to your doctor about a referral NOW.

Link

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

So, first things first, the one and only thing we can say in this man's defense is that it is valid to seek a divorce because you would like to continue having sex with your spouse and they no longer wish to have sex with you. (It may be a little churlish if the reason they don't want to have sex has to do with physical or psychological pain, of course, but most people do not sign up for a sexless marriage.)

With that said, however, LW's father is a dick. Yes, what LW's mother is doing is okay. Nobody has the right to pressure another person to stay in a marriage they want to leave, and nobody has the right to pressure another person, including their spouse, for sex. Or to drink.

Also, even if LW's mother was not in the right the cardinal rule of parenting is that you do not bash your child's other parent. Another important rule is you do not drag your barely-adult children into parental arguments. And you certainly do not, under any circumstances, blame your child for the end of your marriage.

I think there are times it is okay for parents to say negative things to their children about the other parent, and those times are

1. when the thing is true, AND
2. when the thing is a genuine safety issue.

"We left [parent] because parent was physically hurting you/physically hurting me, you need to avoid seeking out [parent], and if you see [parent] you need to run and find a grown up or a policeman and call me."

or "I am glad that you felt safe telling me that you are LGBTQ. I support you telling [other parent] if you want to, but you need to be warned that [other parent] will make you leave home and/or stop paying for your college fees if they know."

This is NOT one of those times.

Among everything else here: this teenager should NOT know this much about her parents' sex life! She is their child, not their confidante, and DEFINITELY not their marriage counselor. Ick.

The fact that LW knows doesn’t necessarily mean the parents told LW. I knew a lot more about my parents’ sex life than this, but it was from hearing them complaining at each other during their fights; they weren’t directly telling me or using me as a confidante. The things mentioned here I can easily imagine being fight-fodder for LW’s parents.

There were also times when I’d ask one parent later about something the other had said to them during a fight. In this case, if LW said something like, “Dad yelled at you that you don’t love him because you won’t have sex anymore,” it would have been valid for the mom to respond from a parental-teaching perspective, “We don’t owe our bodies to anyone, including spouses, and I’m no longer comfortable sharing mine. Trying to coerce people into sex they don’t want is wrong, and if anyone ever does that to you, you need to get away from them.” Never use your kid as a counselor, but if they ask you direct questions and it’s age-appropriate and the answer can help them learn how to keep themselves safe, it can be fine to use your own experiences to share important lessons.

But regardless of whether one or both parents were using LW as a confidante in the first place (if either or both were, it’s wrong), LW’s dad is definitely blaming LW now for the breakup. I’m in full agreement with the columnist that that is abusive and manipulative.

You make excellent points, thank you for sharing your perspective.

The advice was so accurate I had to double check the source.

Hah, same! I almost never say, “Yes, exactly!” To Abby, but this was perfectly said:
“You are NOT the reason for your parents' divorce. Their basic incompatibility and your father's manipulative nature are the reasons.”

Relationship dwindled? GOOD RIDDANCE.