Sense and Sensitivity: Should I punish my adult daughter?

[cereta]

Today seems to be a day for the "parents and adult children" tag.


DEAR HARRIETTE: I got a call late last night that my daughter was arrested while on spring break. I am incredibly disappointed in her, but her crime was nonviolent and will be taken off her record. She is of legal drinking age and got caught drinking on the beach. She paid her own bail. Should I punish her? I am honestly just grateful this wasn't any worse. -- Minor Offense, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR MINOR OFFENSE: Punishment for an adult is tough to enforce. What is more important is to talk to your daughter about what happened. Have her share with you the experience of what occurred, including the arrest and time spent in jail. Talk to her about it in as much detail as she is willing to share. Find out if she knew that it was illegal to drink on the beach. This may not be common knowledge.

Your daughter needs to have clarification on right and wrong, as this is one of the lessons that will come to her in one way or another throughout her life. It is imperative for your daughter to think about her actions and the potential consequences, especially as it relates to alcohol. She should learn where is it illegal to drink or even carry opened bottles of alcohol (which includes her vehicle) and be aware of who will be the designated driver if she is in the company of a party of drinkers.

Comments

[cereta]

Your 21-or-over daughter got arrested (for a minor matter, no less), handled the matter herself with her own money, and you want to what? Ground her? Take away her cell phone? I know we have extended adolescence in our society, but good grief.

[amireal]

OR remember that your 21+ year old daughter is a freaking adult? Maybe give a "unfortunately ignorance of the law is no excuse" talk about how that one time you did a legal uturn only to find out it wasn't legal in the next state over?

Really, unless there's a chunk of information missing, I'm not sure how it's any of the parent's business? It's not that I can't imagine situations were it WOULD be the parent's business, I'm just not seeing it here. A clarification of right and wrong? Are you kidding me? Honestly if the "child" is a decent human being they will have learned a LOT more from their experience than any condescending lecture a parent could give her.

Signed,
Suspicious how this parent would react if it had been a son.

[jadelennox]

I mean, LW only should punish her if LW can punish her. That is to say, if the adult daughter was on spring break on the LW's dime, there's a conversation which can be had about how you don't get to spend my money to break the law, etc etc. But this wasn't a DUI, this was an open containers violation, and those are literally victimless crimes. Fuck that noise.

[amireal]

That's generally what I meant by saying I could imagine situations where it could be the parent's business. :D Absolutely if they paid for the vacation then that is one of the scenarios I can imagine where they get a say of some sort, but I honestly think the "learn the local laws" conversation is MUCH more valuable in the long run than a "punishment" that they would probably have little ability to enforce and/or "lecture" that would leave most any 20+ eye rolling.

Honestly I made a "legal" U-Turn in a state where that specific scenario was not legal, cop pulled me over on a ticket hunt I suspect but I got a warning b/c I looked and sounded genuinely perplexed. THAT scenario taught me more than any grounding ever could.