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Dear Care and Feeding,
My teenage niece, Liza, is a kid who’s been through some tough times. She was removed from my brother’s home by child protective services when she was 8, and now lives with my husband (we also have a baby) and me. She is a wonderful kid in so many ways—kind, smart, driven—but is holding a decidedly unkind grudge against our dog, and we are at a loss as to what to do.
We got the dog 5 years ago, when Liza was 11 and admittedly, we didn’t handle it in the best way possible. We knew that my niece wanted a dog, so we thought she’d be excited too, but we did not adequately consult her as to which one. The dog also isn’t perfect (barking, peeing, some of which has improved with training). My niece has held the most epic grudge against this dog, perhaps because she feels like she wasn’t consulted, or maybe the dog has become a vessel for all of her feelings of sadness and fear of not having a family after what happened to her. We have tried to empathize with her feelings while also drawing limits on her behavior: no kicking or pretending to kick the dog and no, we are not abandoning the dog at a shelter, as she has suggested. We’ve tried simply letting her feelings be. We’ve tried talking to her about the root cause of her anger and offering to do a group session with her therapist. We’ve tried telling her she can pick a dog trainer. We even, in a moment of desperation, tried having the dog stay with my sister for a while; that didn’t work, as she complained about the dog just as often and even refused to go over to my sister’s house several times because of him (at great personal cost, as my niece loves my sister!)
This is about more than just a dog. When it comes to those underlying feelings, we talk to her about my brother (now deceased), and she has a great therapist. And we have made clear in every way that we love her, consider her a part of the family, and would like to adopt her if she’s open to it. We have a great relationship with her otherwise. But if anything, her dog grudge has escalated, and at a certain point (she’s 16 now), it has become pretty cruel (not to mention self-destructive) for her to carry these feelings against a poor dog, who is frankly pretty afraid of her.
—Dog Tired
Dear Dog Tired,
I may be getting chewed up in the comments for this one, I fear. But I think you need to rehome this dog or, at the very least, see if someone will foster her until Liza leaves your house. You absolutely should have consulted a young girl about what kind of dog you were bringing in the house, and you ended up getting one that she hates. Considering all that she has been through, I think it’s completely unfair that you’ve subjected her to five years with a dog that makes her so unhappy. It’s possible that her issues with the dog are a manifestation of her angst over her experiences, but it could just be that you got a breed of dog that she’s not compatible with. You want her to consider being adopted by you, but you haven’t prioritized her over this animal. A dog should fit in with an entire family and her feelings have been completely disregarded for a pup. I do think a group session with her therapist could be helpful to better understand exactly what her issue is with the dog, but I honestly think that her contempt for her is enough to let her go. Would you keep a dog for five years if your biological child hated it? I think that’s something to consider. Please, prioritize Liza’s feelings and get another dog. There are plenty of loving people willing to adopt a dog that needs a home. She will be fine, Liza may not.
—Jamilah
Link
My teenage niece, Liza, is a kid who’s been through some tough times. She was removed from my brother’s home by child protective services when she was 8, and now lives with my husband (we also have a baby) and me. She is a wonderful kid in so many ways—kind, smart, driven—but is holding a decidedly unkind grudge against our dog, and we are at a loss as to what to do.
We got the dog 5 years ago, when Liza was 11 and admittedly, we didn’t handle it in the best way possible. We knew that my niece wanted a dog, so we thought she’d be excited too, but we did not adequately consult her as to which one. The dog also isn’t perfect (barking, peeing, some of which has improved with training). My niece has held the most epic grudge against this dog, perhaps because she feels like she wasn’t consulted, or maybe the dog has become a vessel for all of her feelings of sadness and fear of not having a family after what happened to her. We have tried to empathize with her feelings while also drawing limits on her behavior: no kicking or pretending to kick the dog and no, we are not abandoning the dog at a shelter, as she has suggested. We’ve tried simply letting her feelings be. We’ve tried talking to her about the root cause of her anger and offering to do a group session with her therapist. We’ve tried telling her she can pick a dog trainer. We even, in a moment of desperation, tried having the dog stay with my sister for a while; that didn’t work, as she complained about the dog just as often and even refused to go over to my sister’s house several times because of him (at great personal cost, as my niece loves my sister!)
This is about more than just a dog. When it comes to those underlying feelings, we talk to her about my brother (now deceased), and she has a great therapist. And we have made clear in every way that we love her, consider her a part of the family, and would like to adopt her if she’s open to it. We have a great relationship with her otherwise. But if anything, her dog grudge has escalated, and at a certain point (she’s 16 now), it has become pretty cruel (not to mention self-destructive) for her to carry these feelings against a poor dog, who is frankly pretty afraid of her.
—Dog Tired
Dear Dog Tired,
I may be getting chewed up in the comments for this one, I fear. But I think you need to rehome this dog or, at the very least, see if someone will foster her until Liza leaves your house. You absolutely should have consulted a young girl about what kind of dog you were bringing in the house, and you ended up getting one that she hates. Considering all that she has been through, I think it’s completely unfair that you’ve subjected her to five years with a dog that makes her so unhappy. It’s possible that her issues with the dog are a manifestation of her angst over her experiences, but it could just be that you got a breed of dog that she’s not compatible with. You want her to consider being adopted by you, but you haven’t prioritized her over this animal. A dog should fit in with an entire family and her feelings have been completely disregarded for a pup. I do think a group session with her therapist could be helpful to better understand exactly what her issue is with the dog, but I honestly think that her contempt for her is enough to let her go. Would you keep a dog for five years if your biological child hated it? I think that’s something to consider. Please, prioritize Liza’s feelings and get another dog. There are plenty of loving people willing to adopt a dog that needs a home. She will be fine, Liza may not.
—Jamilah
Link
"The thing about 'transference' is that it's close but no cigar," Freud, probably
Unsurprising that respite from the dog "for a while" didn't stop the complaints; the problem wasn't resolved, and came with having to refuse more than once to visit it. Why do you still hate your job, you had all weekend and work only bugged you a couple times!
So far they've tried everything! Ignoring her concerns. Declaring half-measures good enough. Negotiating about her behavior (absolutely the dog shouldn't be kicked or threatened; but is she able to reduce her exposure to the dog, or limit her responsibility for it?). Lastly, they've tried defining the real problem as Liza's emotions.
But by emotions they don't mean annoyance and disregard, they mean the trauma of "not having a family". Though she's lived with them for the second half of her life so far, they don't know if she'd "be open to being adopted" in the last 18mos she's got left of high school, so I'm not even sure if they mean losing her abusive natal family, or being kept at a distance since. LW, who do you see as your first child?
Lastly, why is rehoming the dog not an option? "Tolerate this nuisance you've been assigned" vs. "Abandon it" may indeed resonate emotionally (eyes LW), but do you think Liza's taking that dog with her when she moves out?