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Dear Amy: My husband and I don’t have children. My sister is a single mom and she has always been strict with her children. She has a rule for her kids that when they turn 18, they either pay rent or move out. Her daughter turned 18, didn’t find her footing and wasn’t working, and so my sister kicked her out. She asked to live with us and we agreed.
She is doing great at our house; she is attending a local community college and is working part time. We like having her here. We are not charging rent and are encouraging her to save her money. My sister is furious with us for undermining her rules for her children. I’m not sure how to respond.
- Caring Aunt
Aunt: Your sister’s rule was to either pay rent at home or move out. Her daughter moved out. Your sister’s basic attitude is that when her kids turn 18, they must take responsibility for their lives. As far as I can tell, this is exactly what your niece has done. I applaud your choice to offer housing and support while she continues to mature.
I suggest that you dodge your sister's fury by emphasizing that her daughter is doing well. In your sister's home, she makes the rules, and in your home, you do.
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She is doing great at our house; she is attending a local community college and is working part time. We like having her here. We are not charging rent and are encouraging her to save her money. My sister is furious with us for undermining her rules for her children. I’m not sure how to respond.
- Caring Aunt
Aunt: Your sister’s rule was to either pay rent at home or move out. Her daughter moved out. Your sister’s basic attitude is that when her kids turn 18, they must take responsibility for their lives. As far as I can tell, this is exactly what your niece has done. I applaud your choice to offer housing and support while she continues to mature.
I suggest that you dodge your sister's fury by emphasizing that her daughter is doing well. In your sister's home, she makes the rules, and in your home, you do.
Link
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If my kids are still living with me after they're adults and have graduated from high school, I expect them to contribute to the household, but the bar for kicking them out is going to be along the lines of "it's now been a couple of years; you're making no effort to find a job, even a fast-food or retail job to bring in a few bucks; you're not attending school; you're not taking a daily or weekly household task off our hands". It's not going to be "you've turned 18; pay us market rent or go on the streets." (And if one of my siblings or one of their older cousins wants to take them in? Great!)