agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Amy: My husband and I don’t have children. My sister is a single mom and she has always been strict with her children. She has a rule for her kids that when they turn 18, they either pay rent or move out. Her daughter turned 18, didn’t find her footing and wasn’t working, and so my sister kicked her out. She asked to live with us and we agreed.

She is doing great at our house; she is attending a local community college and is working part time. We like having her here. We are not charging rent and are encouraging her to save her money. My sister is furious with us for undermining her rules for her children. I’m not sure how to respond.

- Caring Aunt

Aunt: Your sister’s rule was to either pay rent at home or move out. Her daughter moved out. Your sister’s basic attitude is that when her kids turn 18, they must take responsibility for their lives. As far as I can tell, this is exactly what your niece has done. I applaud your choice to offer housing and support while she continues to mature.

I suggest that you dodge your sister's fury by emphasizing that her daughter is doing well. In your sister's home, she makes the rules, and in your home, you do.

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What the fuck does LW's sister want, for her daughter to be living on the goddamn street!? LW shouldn't give that woman and her nonsense the time of day. Like, seriously, stop answering the phone from her.

Yes, I think LW would be justified in saying

"Look, I didn't want my niece to be forced into hard choices to survive, like doing survival sex work just to have a roof, or dating an abusive man just to have a roof"

(I have nothing against sex work, sex work is 100% valid and valuable work, but it should be a choice, not something forced on someone to avoid homelessness)

💯 This! LW's sister's complaint is seriously alarming and calls her ability to parent into question, IMO.

In Australia they are starting to extend the age of foster care for teens who are already in the system before age 18 to last to age 21 (they can leave at 18 if they choose, but they can choose to have free housing with foster families until age 21 if they choose)

This is because they found that kicking kids out of the foster system the second they turned 18 meant that many of them could not afford to go to university or to do a trade apprenticeship

and that staying in the foster system until age 21

= more kids/young adults go to university/trade apprenticeships

= less kids/young adults end up in exploitative/abusive relationships with older men just to have housing

a lot of foster kids were having enormous difficulty getting a rental lease at age 18, and ending up homeless

Do they provide equivalent funding for foster kids who would like to live independently, with friends, or with family but can't afford to do so on their own?

No, my understanding is that it's "you can choose to continue to live with a foster family for free til age 21, or we wash our hands of you at 18"

Word She's mad that they're "undermining her rules" by Taking Care of Her Daughter. It's not about caring about her kid -- it's about control.

Go LW go!

Edited 2024-03-08 13:43 (UTC)

LW is clearly an amazing person, and as someone who comes from a very dysfunctional family, it makes me feel better about the world to see that there are people like her out there.

The correct response is that if there are younger children, you quietly let them know the deal you have with their sister also holds for them.

The way to respond is to point out that everyone in this story is an adult who gets to choose for themselves what they want to do.

Sister is allowed to tell her kids "you will not receive a free ride from me after you turn 18", but she's not allowed to tell them "I control your interactions with your extended family after you're adults".

If my kids are still living with me after they're adults and have graduated from high school, I expect them to contribute to the household, but the bar for kicking them out is going to be along the lines of "it's now been a couple of years; you're making no effort to find a job, even a fast-food or retail job to bring in a few bucks; you're not attending school; you're not taking a daily or weekly household task off our hands". It's not going to be "you've turned 18; pay us market rent or go on the streets." (And if one of my siblings or one of their older cousins wants to take them in? Great!)