...huh?

[ysobel]

Dear Miss Manners: My son is getting married next year to a lovely person with whom I have a good relationship. They are currently perusing venues, although they are unsure how many guests they will invite. Would it be poor manners to send them a possible guest list for my son’s side, with tiers of importance — such as aunts/uncles, then cousins, and so on — so they can see what they’re in for if they move to the next tier?

My husband says they should just invite whom they feel closest to, but I see a problem with that — for example, if they choose three cousins but not all five. My heart tells me it is their wedding and they can do what they want, but I’m not sure I can deal with the fallout of hurt feelings for the next 20 years if they decide to be choosy.


To whom did your husband offer his advice? If it was only meant for you — as a way of saying that the time for parental advice has passed — Miss Manners must disagree with him.

If it was meant for your son, then we instead disagree on what constitutes good parental advice. Your son should be warned, if he does not already know, that you will not be the only one who has to listen to 20 years of hurt feelings if he distributes invitations capriciously. As to ranking the relatives, this is best done verbally; if such a list were to be written down and inadvertently forwarded, 20 years would be a light sentence for the resulting storm.

Comments

[minoanmiss]

Well, does a wedding belong to, say, the two people getting married, or are they merely an excuse and conduit for a family-reaffirming celebration which ultimately has very little to do with the actual marrying couple? Also, has the best man sharpened his sword recently and at what risk is the bride for being kidnapped?

[ysobel]

...IMO it's one thing to have a discussion about family dynamics, but they're whole-ass adults. They don't need parental dictations.

[melannen]

I feel like this is the case where there is a very easy answer, and it's you write to your son and ask if he wants any help with navigating family dynamics around the guest lists.

[lannamichaels]

I assume the son knows he has cousins. He does not need the reminder.

[conuly]

If this young man doesn’t know who is in his family then I doubt those people will expect invites.

[torachan]

I just do not understand people who would hold a grudge for 20 years about not getting an invite to some rando's wedding.

[shirou]

Surely this is a question LW could just ask her son and the fiancée with whom she has a good relationship.

"I know you're looking at venues. It's hard to guess how many people you'll have without actually creating a tentative guest list. Would you like me to send you a list of family members so you can start thinking about whom to invite?"

Then organize the list into objectively named groups, e.g. cousins, instead of subjective tiers.

[laurajv]

honestly, I thought this was the best advice to the LW: "Your son should be warned, if he does not already know, that you will not be the only one who has to listen to 20 years of hurt feelings if he distributes invitations capriciously."

Because Miss Manners is right: LW doesn't want to deal with the fallout of hurt feelings for 20 years, and probably has up until this point done a fair amount of standing between family drama and her son (even if only because the son is likely still on the young side). The son should be aware that if his invite list upsets his relatives, Mom isn't up for being the bulwark.

[katiedid717]

Unless LW is paying for the wedding, she has no say over who does/doesn't get invited. It's her son and his future spouse's decision who does/doesn't get invited, and if that means their priority tiers for guests are different than hers, well...so be it. And if anyone gives her grief about it, she can just not engage.