A rare sibling missing missing reasons!

[conuly]

Dear Prudence,

Last year, my dad, my brother, and my sister got into a huge argument. I wasn’t a part of any of it and refused to be. My family is terrible at communicating or talking about our feelings. I knew what the argument was about, but I didn’t know their side of things. Now, because of the argument, my brother is refusing to have anything to do with anyone in our family.

My dad turns 80 years old this year and likely doesn’t have much longer to live. My sister-in-law sent my Dad a letter, telling him the full reason why they would not be talking to any of us ever again. The reasons are petty, and they made a lot of assumptions about things that weren’t even true. Some things were partially true, and some things… I wasn’t there for it and have no idea who is right. They have not allowed us to talk to them about any of it, explain our side, or even allow us to apologize. Still, both my dad and I have tried sending letters, my wedding invitation, etc. I sent my brother a Christmas gift, and he immediately threw it away. (My sister-in-law told my dad he did in the letter.) I did nothing to them, and my sister-in-law in her letter confessed to hating me—this is something I’ve always known—over something that happened 16 years ago.

I love my brother very much. Where do I even go from here? We were all close to my mom, and her passing just completely obliterated my family. I’m all for picking up the pieces, but how do we fix this? I was tempted to send my brother a picture that included my mom as well as a picture from when we were kids with our handprints in the cement at our old house to remind him that he is from a family that loves him, no matter what. Maybe it will further anger him, but… I’m not sure what else to do. At what point do you just give up on your family? Do you give up on your family? Do you keep trying to work on things? I don’t want to cut ties with him, even though he wants to cut me from his life.

—Where Do I Go From Here?

Dear From Here,

You never have to give up on your family. You can keep the door open to a relationship with your brother, but holding it open should not take up very much of your time or emotional energy at all. No pictures. No handprints. No guilt trips. Text or email your brother and say, “I miss you and if I owe you an apology, please tell me. I want to reconnect if you are ever ready.” Then let it go. He’s really angry. It sounds like you all have your share of trauma. Maybe he’s doing what’s best for him by taking some space from it all, or maybe his wife has influenced him to overreact to the family drama. It’s so hard, but you have to accept that you can’t force him to do anything. Turn all of your attention to your dad. You love him, he loves you, and you won’t get this time back.

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Comments

[conuly]

Usually it's estranged parents pulling this crap. At any rate, there's approximately no way LW is going to understand this advice. But let's break the letter down for fun, why don't we.

Last year, my dad, my brother, and my sister got into a huge argument. I wasn’t a part of any of it and refused to be.

LW thinks they're saying "I'm keeping this secret because it's irrelevant and for privacy reasons" but what it sounds like to me is that one side was very right and one side was very wrong and LW decided to "not get involved" because that would involve condemning Bigot Sister or Rapist Dad or something equally icky.

My family is terrible at communicating or talking about our feelings.

Well, maybe, but it sure sounds like Brother has learned because he's clearly communicated "I never want to speak to you again!" to his sister.

I knew what the argument was about, but I didn’t know their side of things.

Who is "they" in this sentence? And, moreover, how can you know what the argument is about without knowing who holds what opinion?

Now, because of the argument, my brother is refusing to have anything to do with anyone in our family.

Not because of the argument. Or not solely because of the argument, anyway.

My dad turns 80 years old this year and likely doesn’t have much longer to live. My sister-in-law sent my Dad a letter, telling him the full reason why they would not be talking to any of us ever again.

Sounds like LW knows perfectly well what went down in that argument that they say they weren't part of, then.

The reasons are petty,

Not to SIL and Brother they aren't, and even if they are, people are allowed to have their reasons.

and they made a lot of assumptions about things that weren’t even true. Some things were partially true, and some things… I wasn’t there for it and have no idea who is right.

And yet, LW has chosen a side nonetheless, despite not knowing who is right or wrong.

They have not allowed us to talk to them about any of it, explain our side, or even allow us to apologize.

LW, how can there be an "our side" to explain if you weren't part of this argument? Unless you were part of this argument and your explanation of your side is "This is petty and you're being silly"?

Still, both my dad and I have tried sending letters, my wedding invitation, etc. I sent my brother a Christmas gift, and he immediately threw it away. (My sister-in-law told my dad he did in the letter.)

So stop sending them stuff in the mail. They absolutely communicated "don't talk to us" very clearly. Why are you disregarding that?

I did nothing to them,

You sent them stuff they told you they don't want.

and my sister-in-law in her letter confessed to hating me—this is something I’ve always known—over something that happened 16 years ago.

"Something that happened." Gotta love that phrasing. Gee, what could it be? Does SIL hate LW because it rained on her wedding day? Or because Obama won the election?

No, SIL doesn't hate LW because something happened, alone and agentless, SIL hates LW because LW did something and LW knows what it was, and no matter how long ago it was or how "petty" LW would like it to be, SIL would have liked an apology at the time.

I love my brother very much. Where do I even go from here?

I don't know, therapy?

We were all close to my mom, and her passing just completely obliterated my family.

Sure, blame the dead lady.

I’m all for picking up the pieces, but how do we fix this?

You can't. Your brother doesn't think anything is broken, and his opinion matters.

I was tempted to send my brother a picture that included my mom as well as a picture from when we were kids with our handprints in the cement at our old house to remind him that he is from a family that loves him, no matter what.

When you love somebody, you respect their wishes. You don't guilt trip them in a particularly inane way.

Maybe it will further anger him, but… I’m not sure what else to do. At what point do you just give up on your family? Do you give up on your family? Do you keep trying to work on things? I don’t want to cut ties with him, even though he wants to cut me from his life.

Show him you love him by respecting his choice to cut off contact. He's not going to decide to reopen it if you harass him. (He may not ever decide to reopen it, but if he does, it'll be because LW didn't ignore his clearly stated wishes.)

[cimorene]

I've definitely read a number of accounts of siblings acting this badly back in my days of reading on DWIL at Babycenter. But it's still mind blowing how thoroughly backwards all the logic has to be for people invested in these abusive and toxic family dynamics.

[dissectionist]

And yet, LW has chosen a side nonetheless, despite not knowing who is right or wrong.

I always wonder about people like that. Do they genuinely think they’re not choosing a side when they tell themselves they’re “staying neutral”? Do they truly not understand that “staying out of it” when one or more people has suffered an injustice is choosing against supporting the harmed person?

I think about this sometimes in the context of a relative who scolded me for being estranged over “politics” from part of my family. The reality is that they’re a bunch of right-wing bigots and I’m marginalized in multiple ways that are directly targeted by right-wingers . Republicans vs non-Republicans isn’t like Coke vs Pepsi, where which one you like is just a matter of subjective taste. They want to take away my human rights, and the rights of many others. But I got accused of being petty for “letting political differences get in the way of family.”

[conuly]

But I got accused of being petty for “letting political differences get in the way of family.”

You're not the one doing that.

[dissectionist]

I don’t even think they’re doing that. I think they’re letting their hatred get in the way of family. People can have political differences without having bigotry be involved, but that’s not what they’re doing. Their politics are just an extension of their hate, and it’s really their hateful biases that are the root issue.

[dine]

it does seem like LW is eliding over an awful lot, and/or is being purposefully vague to make themself look better/more 'innocent' in whatever went down on multiple occasions. the advice given is pretty sound, but I really doubt it'll register, be followed

though, in some cases it is possible not to know exactly why one has been cut off. my brother ghosted the family almost four years ago - he's a bit younger, and the only boy, so his life experiences in the family are not entirely my own. I don't know exactly what happened/when or by whom, but once he returned home after dad died he just cut ties with everyone. I certainly didn't do anything (that I know of), nor did my sister (probably), but his apparent grudge against mom/my parents seemingly applies to us all. after he made it clear he wasn't going to respond to calls, letters, or e-mail, I send occasional holiday cards and birthday greetings, and that's it. I'm quasi in-touch with his partner, but it's again the odd card and 'how are you doing' as with the recent weather in SoCal, as flooding is a concern

[cimorene]

Wow, that is mysterious! I think the curiosity would eat me up, but it sounds like you've done the best you can there. Even having that little contact with his partner could be exactly the bridge needed if he's ever willing to talk to you.

[dine]

I admit to being pretty curious about it, but it's obvious he doesn't want anything to do with anyone, so I leave him alone. I'm not really close to his partner, but we're amicable, and I'm glad there's a way to get word to him if it's important/necessary. and a little part of me hopes that he'll reach out some day (though I'm not holding my breath)

[mrissa]

"I was tempted to guilt trip my brother about a family that has hurt him because I am unable to acknowledge that he might have any feelings other than anger" oh yeah good go with that, never gonna blow up in your face.

[gingicat]

I could have been the LW here - my sister and my Dad have been resenting one another bitterly for years. They're both wrong and Mom and I feel bruised when we are forced to be involved, so we disengage in the name of oxygen masks.

Edit: to clarify, I wouldn't hound my sister to get back in touch with me.